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TWO EGGS A Ten-Minute Play
By Stephen Bittrich
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E-mail: SBittrich@aol.com
Copyright © 2000,
by Stephen Bittrich.
(Draft: November, 2001)
Finalist in Actor's Theatre of Louisville's
2002 Ten Minute Play Contest.
To perform this play, you must request a royalty agreement with me. (Royalty information.)
"TWO EGGS"
BY STEPHEN BITTRICH
SETTING:
Living room in the apartment of JANE on
the Upper West Side.
AT RISE:
JANE is tidying up the room when the
doorbell rings.
JANE
Who is it?
KISS ASS SKIP (O.S.)
It's your neighbor, uh, Skip.
JANE
Skip?
KISS ASS SKIP (O.S.)
Yes, I live right below you.
JANE
Oh, right.
(JANE opens the door. Standing in
the doorway are KISS ASS SKIP and
DEPRESSED SKIP. THEY are both
dressed exactly the same except
for the color of their
turtlenecks. KISS ASS SKIP has a
bright yellow turtleneck, and
DEPRESSED SKIP has a blue
turtleneck. THEY move as if they
are one. KISS ASS SKIP is in
front while DEPRESSED SKIP is
glued, body to body, just behind
and to the left. KISS ASS SKIP
is lively and energetic, while
DEPRESSED SKIP seems to be asleep
or dormant. DEPRESSED SKIP'S
head rests on the left shoulder
of KISS ASS SKIP. Jane doesn't
notice anything particularly out
of order about SKIP's appearance)
JANE (cont'd)
Hi, how are you. I've seen you in the lobby. Skip, right?
KISS ASS SKIP
(speaking in a sort of saccharine
staccato)
Yes, Skip...or Skippy. Call me whatever you want, really.
Skippy is fine...or Skipper. Or maybe you just like Skip. I'm
not picky.
JANE
I just like Skip, actually. I'm Jane.
(JANE sticks out her hand to
shake. When KISS ASS SKIP
extends his hand, DEPRESSED
SKIP'S arm goes out as well, but
the hand remains limp)
KISS ASS SKIP
Jane, oh, Jane, how nice. What a lovely, terrific name! Jane!
JANE
Well, you know, pretty basic. Plain Jane.
KISS ASS SKIP
Plain. Oh never! Beautiful, tremendous Jane. Great Jane! If-
you don't mind me saying. What a super-duper place you have,
Jane. So clean.
JANE
Thank you.
KISS ASS SKIP
I--I--I work in a laboratory, Jane. What do you do?
JANE
Well, I'm back in school actually. Rethinking careers...after
many years of working as a--
KISS ASS SKIP
Jane, you are so brave. So courageous! Such a trouper!
JANE
Was there something I could do for you...Skip?
KISS ASS SKIP
Or Skippy, Skipper. Yes, actually, Jane, there is. I was
making a cake, you see--right in the middle of mixing it. A
tremendous, super-duper recipe actually. I'd love to invite you
over for a--a cakefest after it's done, but, well, this is
embarrassing, I've run out of a crucial ingredient. I need two
eggs.
JANE
Two eggs. Well, that's easy enough. I just went shopping this
morning.
KISS ASS SKIP
Did you? Oh Jane, you are so nice. So fabulous. Such a good
neighbor.
JANE
Well, Skip Skip Skipper. It's not a problem at all.
(JANE turns to get the eggs from
the kitchen area. KISS ASS SKIP
goes instantly to sleep, while
DEPRESSED SKIP wakes up)
DEPRESSED SKIP
You're making fun of me, aren't you?
JANE
(stopping and turning back to him)
Hmmm?
DEPRESSED SKIP
"Skip Skip Skipper. Skip Skip Skipper." I try my best to give
people, you know, options. Everybody's different. You may not
like Skip. You may have dated a--a "psycho Skip" at one time.
So I say, have a choice. How about "Skippy" or "Skipper"? I
mean the chances of somebody having rotten associations with a
"Skip," "Skippy," and a "Skipper" are--are infinitesimal.
JANE
Skip, I was just...don't take it that way.
DEPRESSED SKIP
Oh, who am I kidding? It's my pathetic need to get people to
like me which makes me an object of ridicule.
JANE
I wasn't ridicul--
DEPRESSED SKIP
Do you have any Valium?
JANE
Valium? No.
DEPRESSED SKIP
Vicadin?
JANE
No.
DEPRESSED SKIP
Any...any drugs of any kind?
JANE
No, sorry.
DEPRESSED SKIP
I have to sit down. I don't feel well.
(The TWO SKIPS make their way to
the couch to sit down)
JANE
Oh...well...are you sick?
DEPRESSED SKIP
I have a pain...in my head. I just need, need a little
compassion. I didn't name myself. That lofty task was left to
my parents. Two bunglers who should never have mated. It
wasn't easy growing up with a name like Skippy. I was beaten up
on a regular basis. I tried "Skipper" on for size for a while,
you know, like I was the "skipper of my own ship--the captain-
the guy in charge." But I had such trouble with my "S's" as a
kid that I couldn't pull it off. "Sthkipper." Not very manly.
JANE
(placating him)
Skip, I'm sorry. I wasn't really making fun. I was
being...enthusiastic. When you walked in the door you were so
happy-go-lucky, and, you know, I caught the Skippy fever. And
Skip really is a happy sort of name, if you think about it.
DEPRESSED SKIP
(simultaneously, going to sleep)
...stho sthleepy...
KISS ASS SKIP
(simultaneously, waking up)
That's okay, Jane. I knew you were a fantastic person the
minute I laid eyes on you.
JANE
(a little confused)
Thank you.
KISS ASS SKIP
Don't mention it!
JANE
You're okay then?
KISS ASS SKIP
I am, if you're okay.
JANE
I'm okay.
KISS ASS SKIP
You certainly are! Great Jane!
(beat)
Would you go out with me?
JANE
Let me get your eggs...two eggs...then you can get back to your
cake.
(KISS ASS SKIP goes down, while
DEPRESSED SKIP wakes up)
DEPRESSED SKIP
You want me to leave, don't you? You're trying to get rid of
me. I've out-stayed my welcome...
JANE
Uh...no, no, that's not it at all.
DEPRESSED SKIP
Not that I blame you. I'm dirt, I'm scum.
JANE
Skip!
DEPRESSED SKIP
I fart all the time, constantly.
JANE
Little too much info there, neighbor.
DEPRESSED SKIP
I can't help it. I have bad digestion, but I'm labeled a freak
because of it. See there. I just did it. Silent killer.
Between the farting and the name thing--
JANE
Skip, I'm going to go get your two eggs. You've got a cake
waiting!
(JANE exits to the kitchen.
DEPRESSED SKIP conks out, while
KISS ASS SKIP wakes up)
KISS ASS SKIP
You're okay, Jane! Jane?
(smelling the fart)
Oh my God...Jane.
(HE gets up from the couch with
the dormant DEPRESSED SKIP
attached, of course, and moves
around to the back of the couch,
fanning the air and looking
around the room)
What a super-terrific apartment, Jane! You're a woman of
singular taste, I can tell.
JANE
(from the kitchen)
Thanks, Skip.
(KISS ASS SKIP goes out, while
DEPRESSED SKIP wakes up)
DEPRESSED SKIP
Me, there's nothing singular about me.
JANE
Your eggs. Now, I hate to be rude, but I'm really going have to
scoot you on out of here.
DEPRESSED SKIP
You hate me, don't you?
JANE
(starting to get frustrated)
Skip, uh, you know, I don't even know you. I just need you to
leave, so I can get ready...
DEPRESSED SKIP
You're going out!
JANE
Yes, I have a date coming over. Sorry I can't be more
neighborly right now.
DEPRESSED SKIP
What about us?
JANE
Us?
(there is a sort of violent
vomiting sound that emits from
the SKIPS, but it doesn't come
from the mouths of either KISS
ASS or DEPRESSED SKIP. KISS ASS
SKIP wakes up, and they speak
simultaneously as if in slow
motion)
KISS ASS SKIP
(simultaneously)
NOOOOOO!
DEPRESSED SKIP
(simultaneously)
NOOOOOO!
(THEY squirm and wriggle, fighting
to keep the vomit down)
JANE
Uh, Yeeees. Skip, I'm not joking around. Time to leave.
(there is another vomiting sound
from the SKIPS)
KISS ASS SKIP
(simultaneously)
STAY DOWN!
DEPRESSED SKIP
(simultaneously)
DON'T COME UP!
(As THEY are standing behind the
couch, the head of MISOGYNIST
CAVE MAN SKIP pops up between the
two SKIP HEADS. They try to push
him down, but HE fights his way
back up, snapping with his teeth
at their fingers. HE wins the
battle to stay. HE wears a red
turtleneck)
MISOGYNIST CAVE MAN SKIP
You two timing, bitch!
JANE
What?
KISS ASS SKIP
Jane! I didn't mean that! I'm sorry! That was an accident!
MISOGYNIST CAVE MAN SKIP
NOT!
(DEPRESSED SKIP tries again to
push MISOGYNIST CAVE MAN SKIP
down, but runs out of energy and
falls asleep)
JANE
Skip, it's been real, it's been fun. There's the door.
MISOGYNIST CAVE MAN SKIP
Got any cocaine?
KISS ASS SKIP
Ha, ha, not that I use that stuff.
MISOGYNIST CAVE MAN SKIP
I hunger, I thirst. More eeeegggzzz! More eeeegggzzz!
(MISOGYNIST CAVE MAN SKIP moves
forcefully towards the kitchen,
while KISS ASS SKIP struggles
toward the door)
JANE
Skip, you are starting to freak me out.
KISS ASS SKIP
Oh, it's no problem, Jane, I'm just leaving now to make my cake.
It was so super meeting you. You'll have to come up for cake
later...after your date...or anytime really. It doesn't have to
be on the same night as your date. Tomorrow night is good...or
the next night...
MISOGYNIST CAVE MAN SKIP
(breathing heavily)
Show me your tits!
KISS ASS SKIP
Ha, ha, just a little joke. Don't--don't--don't show them. Not
that they aren't tremendous. No, I don't mean tremendous, I
mean super-duper...oh darn...
(MISOGYNIST CAVE MAN SKIP laughs
cruelly at the plight of KISS ASS
SKIP. KISS ASS SKIP finally does
a backhanded kung fu blow to the
face of MISOGYNIST CAVE MAN SKIP,
and his head falls unconscious)
...thanks so much, neighbor. I'm leaving now.
JANE
Yes, I think it's best.
KISS ASS SKIP
I hope we can still be friends.
JANE
Sure, sure, Skip.
(DEPRESSED SKIP wakes up.
The SKIPS have made their way in
front of the door by now)
DEPRESSED SKIP
(tearfully)
Oh, who am kidding? It's over between us.
(JANE opens the door for him)
JANE
(sarcastically)
No, I think we've still got a chance, Skip. Good-bye.
DEPRESSED SKIP
We do? We've got a chance?
(BARRY WHITE type music starts up.
Like the parting of the Red Sea,
the other SKIPS roll into the
background, while BARRY WHITE
SKIP, in a white turtleneck,
slides to the front. HE is
smooth like silk)
BARRY WHITE SKIP
(singing or talk singing in that
deep, rich Barry White-esque
voice)
Baby!
OTHER SKIPS
(the background singers)
Baby!
BARRY WHITE SKIP
I know we've had our ups and downs.
I said, "Baby!"
OTHER SKIPS
Baby!
BARRY WHITE SKIP
My love expands for you by leaps and bounds.
Oh, yeah, Baby!
OTHER SKIPS
Baby!
BARRY WHITE SKIP
When you opened up your door, Baby, and let me slide inside.
When you offered up your eggs, Baby, and took me for a ride.
I knew our love was real, Baby, I knew that it was fate.
And now there is no doubt, Baby, I've finally found my mate!
(beat; speaking voice)
Send your date home early...baby. I'll be by at midnight...with
cake.
(BARRY WHITE SKIP smoothly takes
her hand and kisses it. SHE's so
amazed that SHE lets him with no
resistance. As HE and the OTHER
SKIPS exit, HE starts up his
"song" again)
Well, well, well, Baby!
OTHER SKIPS
Baby!
BARRY WHITE SKIP
'Til the next time that we meet.
Oh yeah, Baby!
OTHER SKIPS
Baby!
BARRY WHITE SKIP
I'll bring you something sweet.
(HE vamps on "Baby, Baby, Baby"
backing out of the room while
maintaining eye contact with
Jane)
They say that cat, Skip, is a bad mother.
OTHER SKIPS
Shut yo mouth!
BARRY WHITE SKIP
I'm just talking 'bout Skip.
OTHER SKIPS
We can dig it!
(The SKIPS exit. JANE stands
there flabergasted--a little in
awe--and not completely
disinterested as the lights fade
to black)
(END OF PLAY)