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A Ten-Minute Play

By Stephen Bittrich


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Copyright © 2000,
by Stephen Bittrich.
(Draft: November, 2001)


Finalist in Actor's Theatre of Louisville's
2002 Ten Minute Play Contest.

To perform this play, you must request a royalty agreement with me. (Royalty information.)

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                                   "TWO EGGS"

                                   BY STEPHEN BITTRICH


                                   Living room in the apartment of JANE on
                                   the Upper West Side.

            AT RISE:

                                   JANE is tidying up the room when the
                                   doorbell rings.

           Who is it?

                                   KISS ASS SKIP (O.S.)
           It's your neighbor, uh, Skip.


                                   KISS ASS SKIP (O.S.)
           Yes, I live right below you.

           Oh, right.
                         (JANE opens the door.  Standing in
                          the doorway are KISS ASS SKIP and
                          DEPRESSED SKIP.  THEY are both
                          dressed exactly the same except
                          for the color of their
                          turtlenecks.  KISS ASS SKIP has a
                          bright yellow turtleneck, and
                          DEPRESSED SKIP has a blue
                          turtleneck.  THEY move as if they
                          are one.  KISS ASS SKIP is in
                          front while DEPRESSED SKIP is
                          glued, body to body, just behind
                          and to the left.  KISS ASS SKIP
                          is lively and energetic, while
                          DEPRESSED SKIP seems to be asleep
                          or dormant.  DEPRESSED SKIP'S
                          head rests on the left shoulder
                          of KISS ASS SKIP.  Jane doesn't
                          notice anything particularly out
                          of order about SKIP's appearance)

                                   JANE (cont'd)
           Hi, how are you.  I've seen you in the lobby.  Skip, right?

                                   KISS ASS SKIP
                         (speaking in a sort of saccharine
           Yes, Skip...or Skippy.  Call me whatever you want, really. 
           Skippy is fine...or Skipper.  Or maybe you just like Skip.  I'm
           not picky.

           I just like Skip, actually.  I'm Jane.
                         (JANE sticks out her hand to
                          shake.  When KISS ASS SKIP
                          extends his hand, DEPRESSED
                          SKIP'S arm goes out as well, but
                          the hand remains limp)

                                   KISS ASS SKIP
           Jane, oh, Jane, how nice.  What a lovely, terrific name!  Jane!

           Well, you know, pretty basic.  Plain Jane.

                                   KISS ASS SKIP
           Plain.  Oh never!  Beautiful, tremendous Jane.  Great Jane!  If-
           you don't mind me saying.  What a super-duper place you have,
           Jane.  So clean.

           Thank you.

                                   KISS ASS SKIP
           I--I--I work in a laboratory, Jane.  What do you do?

           Well, I'm back in school actually.  Rethinking careers...after
           many years of working as a--

                                   KISS ASS SKIP
           Jane, you are so brave.  So courageous!  Such a trouper!

           Was there something I could do for you...Skip?

                                   KISS ASS SKIP
           Or Skippy, Skipper.  Yes, actually, Jane, there is.  I was
           making a cake, you see--right in the middle of mixing it.  A
           tremendous, super-duper recipe actually.  I'd love to invite you
           over for a--a cakefest after it's done, but, well, this is
           embarrassing, I've run out of a crucial ingredient.  I need two

           Two eggs.  Well, that's easy enough.  I just went shopping this

                                   KISS ASS SKIP
           Did you?  Oh Jane, you are so nice.  So fabulous.  Such a good

           Well, Skip Skip Skipper.  It's not a problem at all.
                         (JANE turns to get the eggs from
                          the kitchen area.  KISS ASS SKIP
                          goes instantly to sleep, while
                          DEPRESSED SKIP wakes up)

                                   DEPRESSED SKIP
           You're making fun of me, aren't you?

                         (stopping and turning back to him)

                                   DEPRESSED SKIP
           "Skip Skip Skipper.  Skip Skip Skipper."  I try my best to give
           people, you know, options.  Everybody's different.  You may not
           like Skip.  You may have dated a--a "psycho Skip" at one time. 
           So I say, have a choice.  How about "Skippy" or "Skipper"?  I
           mean the chances of somebody having rotten associations with a
           "Skip," "Skippy," and a "Skipper" are--are infinitesimal.  

           Skip, I was just...don't take it that way.

                                   DEPRESSED SKIP
           Oh, who am I kidding?  It's my pathetic need to get people to
           like me which makes me an object of ridicule.

           I wasn't ridicul--

                                   DEPRESSED SKIP
           Do you have any Valium?

           Valium?  No.  

                                   DEPRESSED SKIP


                                   DEPRESSED SKIP
           Any...any drugs of any kind?

           No, sorry.

                                   DEPRESSED SKIP
           I have to sit down.  I don't feel well.
                         (The TWO SKIPS make their way to
                          the couch to sit down)

           Oh...well...are you sick?

                                   DEPRESSED SKIP
           I have a my head.  I just need, need a little
           compassion.  I didn't name myself.  That lofty task was left to
           my parents.  Two bunglers who should never have mated.  It
           wasn't easy growing up with a name like Skippy.  I was beaten up
           on a regular basis.  I tried "Skipper" on for size for a while,
           you know, like I was the "skipper of my own ship--the captain-
           the guy in charge."  But I had such trouble with my "S's" as a
           kid that I couldn't pull it off.  "Sthkipper."  Not very manly.

                         (placating him)
           Skip, I'm sorry.  I wasn't really making fun.  I was
           being...enthusiastic.  When you walked in the door you were so
           happy-go-lucky, and, you know, I caught the Skippy fever.  And
           Skip really is a happy sort of name, if you think about it.      

                                   DEPRESSED SKIP
                         (simultaneously, going to sleep)
           ...stho sthleepy...

                                   KISS ASS SKIP
                         (simultaneously, waking up)
           That's okay, Jane.  I knew you were a fantastic person the
           minute I laid eyes on you.  

                         (a little confused)
           Thank you.

                                   KISS ASS SKIP
           Don't mention it!

           You're okay then?

                                   KISS ASS SKIP
           I am, if you're okay.

           I'm okay.

                                   KISS ASS SKIP
           You certainly are!  Great Jane!  
           Would you go out with me?

           Let me get your eggs...two eggs...then you can get back to your
                         (KISS ASS SKIP goes down, while
                          DEPRESSED SKIP wakes up)

                                   DEPRESSED SKIP
           You want me to leave, don't you?  You're trying to get rid of
           me.  I've out-stayed my welcome...

 , no, that's not it at all.

                                   DEPRESSED SKIP
           Not that I blame you.  I'm dirt, I'm scum.


                                   DEPRESSED SKIP
           I fart all the time, constantly.

           Little too much info there, neighbor.

                                   DEPRESSED SKIP
           I can't help it.  I have bad digestion, but I'm labeled a freak
           because of it.  See there.  I just did it.  Silent killer. 
           Between the farting and the name thing--

           Skip, I'm going to go get your two eggs.  You've got a cake
                         (JANE exits to the kitchen. 
                          DEPRESSED SKIP conks out, while
                          KISS ASS SKIP wakes up)

                                   KISS ASS SKIP
           You're okay, Jane!  Jane?
                         (smelling the fart)
           Oh my God...Jane.
                         (HE gets up from the couch with
                          the dormant DEPRESSED SKIP
                          attached, of course, and moves
                          around to the back of the couch,
                          fanning the air and looking
                          around the room)
           What a super-terrific apartment, Jane!  You're a woman of
           singular taste, I can tell.

                         (from the kitchen)
           Thanks, Skip.
                         (KISS ASS SKIP goes out, while
                          DEPRESSED SKIP wakes up)

                                   DEPRESSED SKIP
           Me, there's nothing singular about me.

           Your eggs.  Now, I hate to be rude, but I'm really going have to
           scoot you on out of here.

                                   DEPRESSED SKIP
           You hate me, don't you?

                         (starting to get frustrated)
           Skip, uh, you know, I don't even know you.  I just need you to
           leave, so I can get ready...

                                   DEPRESSED SKIP
           You're going out!

           Yes, I have a date coming over.  Sorry I can't be more
           neighborly right now.

                                   DEPRESSED SKIP
           What about us?

                          (there is a sort of violent
                          vomiting sound that emits from
                          the SKIPS, but it doesn't come
                          from the mouths of either KISS
                          ASS or DEPRESSED SKIP.  KISS ASS
                          SKIP wakes up, and they speak
                          simultaneously as if in slow

                                   KISS ASS SKIP

                                   DEPRESSED SKIP
                         (THEY squirm and wriggle, fighting
                          to keep the vomit down)

           Uh, Yeeees.  Skip, I'm not joking around.  Time to leave.
                         (there is another vomiting sound
                          from the SKIPS)

                                   KISS ASS SKIP
           STAY DOWN!

                                   DEPRESSED SKIP
           DON'T COME UP!
                         (As THEY are standing behind the
                          couch, the head of MISOGYNIST
                          CAVE MAN SKIP pops up between the
                          two SKIP HEADS.  They try to push
                          him down, but HE fights his way
                          back up, snapping with his teeth
                          at their fingers.  HE wins the
                          battle to stay.  HE wears a red

                                   MISOGYNIST CAVE MAN SKIP
           You two timing, bitch!


                                   KISS ASS SKIP
           Jane!  I didn't mean that!  I'm sorry!  That was an accident!

                                   MISOGYNIST CAVE MAN SKIP
                         (DEPRESSED SKIP tries again to
                          push MISOGYNIST CAVE MAN SKIP
                          down, but runs out of energy and
                          falls asleep)

           Skip, it's been real, it's been fun.  There's the door.

                                   MISOGYNIST CAVE MAN SKIP
           Got any cocaine?

                                   KISS ASS SKIP
           Ha, ha, not that I use that stuff.

                                   MISOGYNIST CAVE MAN SKIP
           I hunger, I thirst.  More eeeegggzzz!  More eeeegggzzz! 
                         (MISOGYNIST CAVE MAN SKIP moves
                          forcefully towards the kitchen,
                          while KISS ASS SKIP struggles
                          toward the door)

           Skip, you are starting to freak me out.  

                                   KISS ASS SKIP
           Oh, it's no problem, Jane, I'm just leaving now to make my cake. 
           It was so super meeting you.  You'll have to come up for cake
           later...after your date...or anytime really.  It doesn't have to
           be on the same night as your date.  Tomorrow night is good...or
           the next night...

                                   MISOGYNIST CAVE MAN SKIP
                         (breathing heavily)
           Show me your tits!

                                   KISS ASS SKIP
           Ha, ha, just a little joke.  Don't--don't--don't show them.  Not
           that they aren't tremendous.  No, I don't mean tremendous, I
           mean super-duper...oh darn...
                         (MISOGYNIST CAVE MAN SKIP laughs
                          cruelly at the plight of KISS ASS
                          SKIP.  KISS ASS SKIP finally does
                          a backhanded kung fu blow to the
                          face of MISOGYNIST CAVE MAN SKIP,
                          and his head falls unconscious)
           ...thanks so much, neighbor.  I'm leaving now.

           Yes, I think it's best.

                                   KISS ASS SKIP
           I hope we can still be friends.

           Sure, sure, Skip.
                         (DEPRESSED SKIP wakes up. 
                          The SKIPS have made their way in
                          front of the door by now)

                                   DEPRESSED SKIP
           Oh, who am kidding?  It's over between us. 
                         (JANE opens the door for him)

           No, I think we've still got a chance, Skip.  Good-bye.

                                   DEPRESSED SKIP
           We do?  We've got a chance?
                         (BARRY WHITE type music starts up. 
                          Like the parting of the Red Sea,
                          the other SKIPS roll into the
                          background, while BARRY WHITE
                          SKIP, in a white turtleneck,
                          slides to the front.  HE is
                          smooth like silk)

                                   BARRY WHITE SKIP
                         (singing or talk singing in that
                          deep, rich Barry White-esque

                                   OTHER SKIPS
                         (the background singers)

                                   BARRY WHITE SKIP
           I know we've had our ups and downs.
           I said, "Baby!"

                                   OTHER SKIPS

                                   BARRY WHITE SKIP
           My love expands for you by leaps and bounds.
           Oh, yeah, Baby!

                                   OTHER SKIPS

                                   BARRY WHITE SKIP
           When you opened up your door, Baby, and let me slide inside.
           When you offered up your eggs, Baby, and took me for a ride.
           I knew our love was real, Baby, I knew that it was fate.
           And now there is no doubt, Baby, I've finally found my mate! 
                         (beat; speaking voice)
           Send your date home  I'll be by at midnight...with
                         (BARRY WHITE SKIP smoothly takes
                          her hand and kisses it.  SHE's so
                          amazed that SHE lets him with no
                          resistance.  As HE and the OTHER
                          SKIPS exit, HE starts up his
                          "song" again)
           Well, well, well, Baby!

                                   OTHER SKIPS

                                   BARRY WHITE SKIP
           'Til the next time that we meet.
           Oh yeah, Baby!

                                   OTHER SKIPS

                                   BARRY WHITE SKIP
           I'll bring you something sweet.
                         (HE vamps on "Baby, Baby, Baby"
                          backing out of the room while
                          maintaining eye contact with
           They say that cat, Skip, is a bad mother.

                                   OTHER SKIPS
           Shut yo mouth!

                                   BARRY WHITE SKIP
           I'm just talking 'bout Skip.

                                   OTHER SKIPS
           We can dig it!

                          (The SKIPS exit.  JANE stands
                          there flabergasted--a little in
                          awe--and not completely
                          disinterested as the lights fade
                          to black)

                          (END OF PLAY)

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