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TOFU By Stephen Bittrich & Jeff P. Weiss
5701 W Slaughter Lane
Suite A130-204
Austin, TX 78749
Tel: (646) 245-4507
E-mail: SBittrich@aol.com
Copyright © 1992,
by Stephen Bittrich & Jeff P. Weiss
(Draft: November, 1994)
"TOFU"
BY STEPHEN BITTRICH & JEFF P. WEISS
BY SETTING:
The fiftieth story of a building under
construction. A narrow platform high
enough off the ground to allow the
actor's feet to dangle is needed.
AT RISE:
Two construction workers are sitting on
a girder. One guy, SAMUEL, is eating
lunch. He wears glasses and is a very
careful eater--the kind of person who
would chew thirty-two times. The other
guy, CHARLIE, is looking down at the
street with a pair of binoculars. HE
is "scoping babes."
CHARLIE
(In a strong Brooklyn accent)
Holy shit. Holy shit. Look at this, Sam. Look at this.
SAMUEL
I really would rather not.
CHARLIE
YO! YO! YO! BLONDIE!
(To himself)
Fuckin' deaf bitch.
(Yelling to "Blondie" again)
HOW'S ABOUT SITTIN' ON MY FACE, BABY?
SAMUEL
(Giving him a sharp look of
disapproval)
Charles, is that necessary?
CHARLIE
You think I'm gonna let the fuckin' carpenters have all the
fun?
(SAM shakes his head. HE takes
out his sandwich and carefully
begins to eat. CHARLIE
catches a glimpse of SAM's
sandwich out of the corner of
his eye)
CHARLIE (cont'd)
What is that?
SAMUEL
What?
CHARLIE
That! What is that?
SAMUEL
This?
CHARLIE
Yeah, that.
SAMUEL
It's a sandwich.
CHARLIE
Doesn't look like a sandwich.
SAMUEL
Yeah. Want a bite?
CHARLIE
No. What the fuck is that?
SAMUEL
(After a pause)
Tofu.
CHARLIE
Foh-foo?
SAMUEL
Tofu.
CHARLIE
Toe-foo. . . toe-foo?
SAMUEL
Yes, you've heard of it.
CHARLIE
What the fuck is toe-foo?
SAMUEL
Do you mean to tell me, Charles, that someone as worldly and
knowledgeable as yourself has never heard of tofu?
CHARLIE
Yeah, I hearda tofu, yeah.
SAMUEL
I thought so. It's good. You want some?
CHARLIE
No. No. No. I don't want some--toe-foo! Are you kidding?
SAMUEL
Okay.
(SAM continues eating. CHARLIE
shakes his head. HE takes out
his own sandwich--a massive
sub filled with cold cuts)
CHARLIE
You know what this is?
SAMUEL
That?
CHARLIE
Yeah, this!
SAMUEL
Yeah, I know.
CHARLIE
Now this...this...this is a sandwich!
SAMUEL
That, my friend, is a one way ticket to the hospital.
CHARLIE
Bet I've chowed down about a thousand of these babies.
(Pounding his chest)
It takes a licking, but it keeps on ticking!
(HE takes a huge bit of his
sandwich and talks with his
mouth full--)
You can really get your mouth around it. Now that's a
sandwich!
(HE finishes chewing a little
and mutters--)
Toe-foo.
(HE looks across to another
girder and yells--)
Hey, Vinnie...toe-foo!
SAMUEL
It's quite delicious.
CHARLIE
I'll bet.
SAMUEL
(Offering seaweed chips)
And I bought seaweed chips to go along with it.
CHARLIE
(Overlapping)
Seaweed chips?
SAMUEL
(Overlapping)
Did you know that seaweed chips have been scientifically
proven to lower the serum cholesterol levels of laboratory
rats?
CHARLIE
What a fuckin' break through for lavatory rats.
SAMUEL
What's good for the rat is good for the human being.
CHARLIE
You eat seaweed?
SAMUEL
I eat seaweed chips.
CHARLIE
Fuckin' fish don't eat seaweed!
SAMUEL
Well, actually, there are many types of fish. . . the
goldfish, for example eats aquatic plants--
CHARLIE
What are seaweed chips, like shit from a seaweed or
something?
SAMUEL
Well--
CHARLIE
Like cow chips--
SAMUEL
No, well--
CHARLIE
Bull chips--
SAMUEL
No, what they do actually is--it's a rare delicacy that comes
from Japan--
CHARLIE
Sam, Sam, I don't wanna know, all right? I don't wanna know
about fuckin' seaweed chips, all right? Jeez.
(HE gets up and pulls a
Budweiser out of his cooler.
HE pops it open and is about
to drink, but decides to be
polite--)
CHARLIE (cont'd)
Wanna beer?
SAMUEL
Uh. . . what?
CHARLIE
I got extras.
SAMUEL
No, thank you--
(CHARLIE drinks)
SAMUEL (cont'd)
Aren't you a afraid that beer might disrupt your perception
of balance?
CHARLIE
Naah. This is like mother's milk to me. In fact, when I
used to drink from my mother's tits--beer came out.
(Beat)
I'm lookin' for a girlfriend like that. Squeeze 'em-
Budweiser on tap.
SAMUEL
I wonder what Freud would say about you.
CHARLIE
What kind of--what kind of animal do they get toe-foo from?
SAMUEL
Tofu is not an animal product. It comes from bean curd.
CHARLIE
Bean curd?
(Pause)
You're not the average construction worker, Sam.
SAMUEL
What do you mean?
CHARLIE
What are you really, Sam?
SAMUEL
Are you commenting on the quality of my work?
CHARLIE
Fess up, Sam.
SAMUEL
(After a pause)
I'm a writer.
CHARLIE
Ahhhhh. So you're a writer, eh, Samuel?
SAMUEL
Yes, I write novels, short stories, plays, and I'm working on
a screenplay at the moment.
CHARLIE
Screenplay, huh?
SAMUEL
Yes, I, uh--
CHARLIE
What, what, like what kind of movie is it--lotta babes?
SAMUEL
Well, yes, there are some--
CHARLIE
Karate--any karate in it--action--action movie--
SAMUEL
Well, it's more of a character study.
CHARLIE
Character study???
SAMUEL
Yes, you see there's an elderly gentleman who is a professor
at a renowned and distinguished ivy league university--
CHARLIE
Does it have any construction workers in it, Sam?
SAMUEL
No, no, I--
CHARLIE
I think you ought to add some construction workers in it,
Sam.
SAMUEL
(Laughing)
No, no, I really don't there's any room in this particular
film--
CHARLIE
You got something against construction workers?
SAMUEL
Not at all. Au contraire, Charles. I think of you as
somewhat of an artist yourself. I respect your ability as an
iron worker and even envy it. Your skill with a blow torch
and the unerring way you can pound in a rivet--I think it's,
well, to coin a phrase, poetry in motion--if one likes to
look for poetry in everyday life as I myself am prone to do--
(CHARLIE burps)
CHARLIE
I think burping is an art form.
(Beat)
What do you think, Sam? Burping as an art form?
SAMUEL
That's pushing it a bit far.
CHARLIE
(Burps)
Why not, huh? Burping in museums and shit. Have a little
frame around you--you'd be burping.
SAMUEL
I wish you wouldn't do that.
CHARLIE
(Burps)
Why?
SAMUEL
It's very distasteful.
CHARLIE
(Burps)
Tastes like Bud.
SAMUEL
Would you like the rest of my sandwich?
CHARLIE
That toe-foo make you too full?
SAMUEL
No, I've just lost my appetite.
(CHARLIE looks at the buildings
across with his binoculars)
CHARLIE
Fuckin' Rockefeller Center. Fuckin' Japs takin' over the
fuckin' country.
SAMUEL
Charles, our employers are Japanese.
CHARLIE
Yeah, well, don't think I'm takin' it lying down. I'm doing
my part. Skippin' a rivet here--a rivet there. This
building's gonna be a piece of shit when we finish with it.
We'll show those squinty eyed fuckers to come buying us off.
SAMUEL
(Looking at him incredulously
and after a pause--)
Skipping a rivet--? Charles--
CHARLIE
Yo.
SAMUEL
Was there any particular reason you felt you've had to dine
with me for the past three days?
CHARLIE
Just, uh...just tryin' to be friendly, Sam.
SAMUEL
This wouldn't have anything to do with the little accident
the other day?
CHARLIE
You mean when you saved my life?
SAMUEL
Charles, I did not save your life. I, uh, I was just there,
uh, and I just yelled. . . anybody would have--
CHARLIE
You saved my life.
SAMUEL
Well, if you insist, if you insist: I saved your life, but
it's not like you owe me anything. I don't expect--
CHARLIE
I don't take this lying down. You saved my life. That
means...that means...we have a bond...a life long bond--
SAMUEL
(Gulping)
Life?
CHARLIE
We're like bosom buddies now or blood brothers. There was a
tombstone out there with my name on it. And you changed
things around. Three little words. Three beautiful, little
words: "Watch out, asshole!" Who knows? You mighta changed
the whole world by yelling out like you did the other day.
SAMUEL
That is the most ridiculous thing--
CHARLIE
Lemme tell you something, Samuel. See that building over
there, that building over there, that one there? I built
those buildings. And now I got another one here which'll
make its mark on the skyline--for better or for worse. If
you hadn't been around to yell those three little words:
Look out asshole--
SAMUEL
It's not because of you those buildings were built, Charles.
If it hadn't been you, it would have been somebody else!
CHARLIE
(Actually hurt)
Yeah, yeah. . . I guess you're right.
SAMUEL
Look, I'm sorry, Charles. I didn't mean to...to negate your
contribution. Without a cooperative effort, well, we
wouldn't have such wonders as the great pyramids of Egypt,
for example.
CHARLIE
You oughtta be on a fuckin' game show or something, Sam. you
could win a fortune.
SAMUEL
(Laughing)
Yes, well, I guess--
CHARLIE
I'm serious. Jeopardy or something. You gotta girlfriend,
Sam?
SAMUEL
(Taken aback)
What?
CHARLIE
Girl. You gotta girl? Old lady. Ball and chain.
SAMUEL
Ball and--
CHARLIE
You're not a fag, are you, Sam?
SAMUEL
What? Uh, uh, no, no--
CHARLIE
Sound a little hesitant there, Samuel.
SAMUEL
No, I'm not! But that shouldn't--
CHARLIE
All right. Cuz if you was a fag, I toss you straight off the
side of this girder.
SAMUEL
Huh?
CHARLIE
Just shittin' with you, Sam. No seriously, you got an old
lady?
SAMUEL
No, no, actually, no. I don't have an old lady. Not really
anyway.
CHARLIE
No? Well, maybe I can help, Sam.
SAMUEL
That's not really necessary.
CHARLIE
Hey, what are bosom buddies for? I'm gonna find you a fox.
SAMUEL
You're going to find me a girl with binoculars? I somehow
doubt we'll have the same taste, Charles.
CHARLIE
Oh, pardon me. Excuse me. You obviously want a woman who
likes foh-foo.
SAMUEL
Tofu.
CHARLIE
Whatever. You wanna look?
SAMUEL
Charles, I really don't see the point--
CHARLIE
No, no, enlighten me. I would like to learn the fine art of
scoping babes from one who is obviously a master such as
yourself. Please.
(HE offers him the binoculars)
SAMUEL
(Deciding to humor him)
Well...okay.
(HE takes the binoculars)
All right. Let's see.
(HE gets up and peers down to
the street with the
binoculars)
CHARLES
Teach me, O Great One.
SAMUEL
Give me a minute, please.
(Looking)
All right, all right, now here's an attractive girl. Very
attractive.
CHARLIE
Yeah. . . tits?
SAMUEL
(Sarcastically)
Two--it looks like. What do you think?
CHARLIE
Okay, so you're on the right track. What about attitude?
SAMUEL
Attitude?
CHARLIE
Yeah. Does she have that "tie me up attitude"? That "I
wanna be on top attitude"?
SAMUEL
Charles, this woman is much more refined--
CHARLIE
Let me see.
SAMUEL
Will you please calm down?
CHARLIE
All right. Okay. Yell something at her.
SAMUEL
Yell?
CHARLIE
Go on yell. Yell something at her. Get her attention.
SAMUEL
No, I'm not going to yell.
CHARLIE
Come on. Be bold. You wanna meet her or not?
SAMUEL
This is ridiculous. I couldn't possibly--
(Suddenly feeling a burst of
courage--though still
embarrassed--)
HI! HI! THE WEATHER'S NICE UP HERE!
CHARLIE
The weather? Sam, Sam, you don't yell out a fuckin' weather
report when you're on the make.
SAMUEL
Look, Charles, you have your style, and I have--
CHARLIE
You gotta be more provocative.
SAMUEL
HELLO! THAT'S A NICE PURSE YOU'RE WEARING!
CHARLIE
That's provocative? Fashion tips?
SAMUEL
Well, it is.
CHARLIE
Stand back. Stand back. YO, BABY! HOW'S ABOUT SITTIN' ON
MY FACE?
SAMUEL
Oh, that's very impressive.
CHARLIE
That's how I got my first wife.
SAMUEL
(Looking through the
binoculars)
I'm sure we lost her on that--
(Astonished)
--she's waving.
CHARLIE
Oh man, oh man, you got her! You got her hooked!
SAMUEL
She's actually waving.
CHARLIE
Now it's time to reel her in. Come on. Let's moon her.
SAMUEL
Moon her?
CHARLIE
(Turning around and preparing
to "moon")
Come one! Get crazy with me! She'll love it!
SAMUEL
Charles, don't do that!
CHARLIE
Come on, Sam. Moon her with me.
SAMUEL
(Looking through the binoculars
again)
She's laughing.
CHARLIE
She's...she's what?
SAMUEL
Yeah, it looks like she's laughing.
CHARLIE
Lemme see those things!
(HE takes the binoculars)
Holy shit! That's my sister!
SAMUEL
Your sister?
CHARLIE
I told my sister to sit on my face.
SAMUEL
Your sister.
CHARLIE
What, you think my ma took one look at me and tied the tubes?
There are other Jabrinski's out there in the world.
SAMUEL
She's pretty.
CHARLIE
You surprised, Samuel? Aaaaayyyy!
SAMUEL
Your sister.
CHARLIE
So, so what? You wanna meet her...my bosom buddy?
(Beat)
What? You'll like her. She went to college. She's not like
me. She probably even eats tofu.
(Yelling down)
YO, PAULINE! YOU EAT TOFU?
(HE waits for a response, then
back to SAM)
Yeah, see?
SAMUEL
Why not? All right. All right. Yes, I would like to meet
your sister.
CHARLIE
There's a guy.
(Yelling down)
PAULINE, DON'T LEAVE! WE'LL BE RIGHT DOWN!!!
(The lights snap quickly to
black)
(END OF PLAY)
TOFU
____
A One-Act Play By Stephen Bittrich and Jeff P. Weiss
Copyright © 1992, Stephen
Bittrich By Stephen Bittrich 176
West 87th Street and Jeff P. Weiss
Apartment 11E REVISED DRAFT NOV/1994
New York, New York 10024 Tel: (212)
874-6368