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THE QUEUE By Stephen Bittrich
5701 W Slaughter Lane
Suite A130-204
Austin, TX 78749
Tel: (646) 245-4507
E-mail: SBittrich@aol.com
Copyright © 1995,
by Stephen Bittrich
(Draft: October, 2000)
Back to PLAYS page Back to One-Acts page
THE QUEUE By Stephen Bittrich
5701 W Slaughter Lane
Suite A130-204
Austin, TX 78749
Tel: (646) 245-4507
E-mail: SBittrich@aol.com
Copyright © 1995,
by Stephen Bittrich
(Draft: October, 2000)
"THE QUEUE"
By Stephen Bittrich
SETTING:
A waiting room. Five chairs are lined
up against the wall.
AT RISE:
Two men, WILLIAM and STREAM sit a few
chairs apart from each other. WILLIAM,
quite the dapper dresser, reads the
paper, the Times. STREAM, dressed in
blue jeans, a blue jean jacket, and a
blue shirt, looks over at him and
checks him up and down, smiling.
STREAM
Really going all out, eh?
WILLIAM
Beg your pardon?
STREAM
Oh, that's nice. That's good. Doing the whole thing. The
total deal.
WILLIAM
Sorry?
STREAM
The English thing. Doing the whole deal. I don't blame you.
WILLIAM
You--you don't blame me for what?
STREAM
Going all out. Hey, ya gotta do what ya gotta do.
WILLIAM
Yes, of course.
(Beat)
I beg your pardon. I have no idea what your talking about.
STREAM
The get up. The phony accent. I'm saying--more power to ya,
man.
WILLIAM
Oh, you mean...phony accent?
STREAM
Sounds pretty good. My agent tells me, "Just be yourself. No
need to give a "performance." Just be yourself. Go in and be
truthful." But let's face it. These people have no
imagination. You gotta hand it to them on a silver platter. I
don't blame ya at all.
WILLIAM
You think my accent is phony?
STREAM
Well, you're no Peter O'Toole, but it sounds pretty good.
WILLIAM
Yes, well, would you believe I really am English?
STREAM
Yeah, right.
WILLIAM
I'm quite serious. I am English.
STREAM
Okay, Bro, go for it.
WILLIAM
You don't believe me?
STREAM
(Facetiously)
Yeah, I believe you.
WILLIAM
I truly am English!
STREAM
Okay, okay. I know you're getting into character. I won't
disturb you. It's very convincing. Really.
WILLIAM
It's not meant to be convincing atall.
STREAM
Oh, that's nice. I like that. The way you said, "Atall." Like
it's one word or something. That sounds real English. Work
that one in a few times.
WILLIAM
"Work it in?"
STREAM
(In a pathetic English accent)
Yeah, and maybe you could say, "I say old chap, the tube was
rather chaotic this morning. Just arrived by the seat of my
trousers."
WILLIAM
Why on earth would I say that?
STREAM
Oh, and then as you're leaving you could say, "I don't
suppose you could direct me to the w.c.?"
WILLIAM
I don't think that's necessary atall.
STREAM
Oh yeah, you've got that "atall" down. That's right on the
money.
WILLIAM
There's no reason why it shouldn't be on the money. I've been
saying it my entire life.
STREAM
Method actor, eh? Hey. Go for it. Don't let me disturb
your..."trance."
(Like a hypnotist)
You are English. You are English.
(As if he's performing every
character in a bad Oscar Wilde
play)
"Jolly good, old chap." "Cecily, take out the rubbish." "Care
for a game of cricket, old boy?"
WILLIAM
In the first place, I don't play cricket. In the second place
I am English. Now, I don't mean to be rude, but, I'm sorry-
I'm just going to do a spot of reading before I go in...to
relax myself...and I suggest you do whatever it is you do for
your own preparations.
STREAM
Okay. Okay. Don't get your knickers in an uproar. You do your
thing. I'll do mine.
WILLIAM
Thank you.
STREAM
(After a beat)
You're next in the queue?
WILLIAM
Yes, very astute. I am the next. I understand they've taken a
short recess and will be returning promptly.
STREAM
A short recess. A short recess. Well, that really burns my
bum.
WILLIAM
I'm sorry. I'm sorry, but I really don't--
STREAM
(Pronouning "schedule" in the
English way)
Don't they realize we have a schedule to keep. Infernal
buggers.
WILLIAM
Sorry, sorry, don't mean to be rude, but I prefer not to talk
if you don't mind. These people are our colleagues, and to
speak of them in such a way is most unprofessional. I think I
know what you are trying to do, but--
STREAM
You're right. You're right.
(In a hushed tone)
It's a close knit business. Don't want to piss anybody off in
this industry. One false move--and you'll never work in this
town again. You're on "the list."
WILLIAM
Ah, yes, right. Well, as you said before, it's time to put
myself into my trance, so to speak, and to accomplish this
little feat I do require some silent meditation. It has been
nice chatting with you, and I do wish you the best of luck.
STREAM
Hey, you don't have to hit me over the head with a hammer.
WILLIAM
What a relief.
STREAM
Do your thing, old boy.
WILLIAM
Thank you ever so much.
STREAM
Not atall.
(WILLIAM unruffles his Times
and continues to read. There
is a pause)
STREAM (cont'd)
I'm sorry. Just one more thing, and then I'll let you alone.
WILLIAM
Yes?
STREAM
That get up. That jacket. Where did you--did you rent that
or--?
WILLIAM
Get up?
STREAM
Yeah, that, with the little--what are these?
(Referring to his unique ivory
buttons)
Is that ivory? Is this some kind of English hunting coat?
This is really wild.
WILLIAM
Actually, it's not English. It is an Austrian Riding jacket.
Interestingly, I didn't wear it with the purpose in mind of
appearing more English. I just happen to be fond of the
jacket. It was a gift from a very dear relative. Now, sir, if
you'll excuse--
STREAM
Stream.
WILLIAM
Pardon me?
STREAM
Stream.
WILLIAM
Stream?
STREAM
You got it.
WILLIAM
What have I got?
STREAM
Stream.
WILLIAM
I've got Stream?
STREAM
Yes.
WILLIAM
Bully for me.
STREAM
Stream Fallow. Unique, huh?
WILLIAM
Indeed.
STREAM
What's your name?
WILLIAM
(Suddenly realizing "Stream" is
his proper name)
Name? Good God, name?
STREAM
Nomen. Moniker. Title. Tag. Nom de plume.
WILLIAM
Are you saying your name is Stream Fallow?
STREAM
Bing! Survey says--good answer! Good answer!
WILLIAM
Well...that is unique.
STREAM
Yeah.
(In a hushed tone)
It's not my real name, but I'm pretending, like, that my
parents were really into the hippie-flowerchild-thing and
named me Stream out of their own personal convictions and
beliefs--their love of nature and oneness with the universe
and all. Makes for great chit chat, you know? Conversation
piece.
WILLIAM
Yes. I would imagine.
(HE is about to read his paper
again)
STREAM
My real name is Polish and has no vowels.
(Beat)
And your name was--?
WILLIAM
(Infinitely frustrated,
abruptly turning and offering
his hand to shake, although
one is not sure at first if HE
isn't going to deliver a blow
instead)
Yes! Right! William! William Devonshire at your service.
STREAM
Get out! Really? That's, like, your real name?
WILLIAM
I have no reason to fib.
STREAM
That even sounds English. William. William. William the
Conqueror. I might as well just go home right now.
WILLIAM
Yes, well, if you must.
STREAM
William Devonshire. Sir Devonshire at your service.
(In his best Sean Connery--)
Devonshire. . . William Devonshire. Martini shaken not
stirred.
(HE does a rendition of the
"James Bond theme")
WILLIAM
(Looking at his watch)
My, this is a long recess, isn't it?
STREAM
So, are you a knight?
WILLIAM
A knight? You're asking if I've been knighted?
STREAM
Yeah. A knight. That would be cool.
WILLIAM
No, I am not a knight. I am not royalty. I do not have a
title. Being knighted is not actually such a widespread
occurrence. There are many normal, everyday English chaps in
the world, and I am one of them.
STREAM
Okay. All right. It's not what I would have done. I would
have used the knight bit. It's a real grabber, you know.
They'd remember that.
They'd write down something like that in the corner of your
resume--"knighthood." "Has been knighted."
(Then holding up and imaginary
picture and resume)
"Oh, yeah, remember? This was the knight guy." But I
understand. You're going for the subtle approach. Don't wanna
hit them over the head. Just an English dude. William
Devonshire, English gentleman. Country squire.
WILLIAM
Yes.
(HE looks at his watch)
STREAM
You know you gotta be naked in this thing?
WILLIAM
Naked?
STREAM
Yep, my agent told me. Total exposure.
WILLIAM
Well, I shall keep that in mind.
STREAM
Yep. She read me the breakdown. "Needed: one English guy
willing to be nude." You gotta go naked today in fact. It's a
very important element of the play.
WILLIAM
Well, strangely, my agent said nothing about it.
STREAM
Yeah, I used to have an agent like that. Never gave me the
straight dope. Then I'd go down to an audition--and it was
like, "Drop 'em, fella." Whoah!
WILLIAM
Well, I've actually never had occasion to display my private
parts at any castings. How very unique that you have.
STREAM
Well, I'm not saying every audition, but every once in a
while. And it can be pretty embarrassing if you don't know.
Like if your knickers have little teddy bears on 'em.
WILLIAM
Look...Creek--
STREAM
Stream.
WILLIAM
Yes. I've tried my utmost to be polite, and it doesn't seem
to be getting through. This--you--you are distracting me from
the task at hand. I think it extremely unfair--
STREAM
Yeah, unfair, like how you conquered every third world
country on the globe, that kind of unfair?
WILLIAM
Personally, I've had only one occasion in my entire life to
conquer or be conquered, and that was at parochial school,
and I failed miserably, so I don't think--
STREAM
Just think you can come in here and raise our taxes. Tax our
tea? Huh?
WILLIAM
Tax--? What?
STREAM
We will fight you over land. We will fight you over sea--
WILLIAM
Yes, yes, that's very clever--
STREAM
You can eat my shorts, Devonshaiyer!
WILLIAM
Devonshire.
STREAM
You English make me sick. Think you're so smart.
WILLIAM
I don't think that atall.
STREAM
Atall. I'm William Devonshaiyer. I'm better than you are.
Nanee, nanee, boo, boo.
WILLIAM
You're being absurd--
STREAM
So pompous. So above it all.
WILLIAM
Look, that is quite enough--
(The CASTING DIRECTOR enters)
CASTING DIRECTOR
Will Devonshaiyer!!
WILLIAM
(Like Sir John Geilgud doing
King Lear)
Devonshire. That's Devonshire, you cretin!
STREAM
(Quietly)
Uh oh.
(WILLIAM wheels around to see-
that HE's blown it. He puts
his hand to his forehead,
picks up his paper, and exits
sullenly without another word
to anyone. The CASTING
DIRECTOR looks to STREAM with
confusion. STREAM responds in
his best British accent--which
is considerably better than
any HE's displayed so far--)
STREAM (cont'd)
Nasty sort of fellow. That was evident from the moment I
arrived--trying to pass himself off as an Englishman, would
you believe? Ha! But he didn't possess the refinement to
pull that off.
CASTING DIRECTOR
That's too bad. He had the right look.
STREAM
Stream. Stream Fallow's the name. At your service.
CASTING DIRECTOR
Very good. Thanks for waiting. Hope we haven't thrown you
off schedule.
STREAM
Not a problem. Not a problem atall.
(HE enters the audition room as
the lights fade to black--)
(END OF PLAY)