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THE QUEUE

By Stephen Bittrich

 

5701 W Slaughter Lane
Suite A130-204
Austin, TX 78749
Tel: (646) 245-4507
E-mail:
SBittrich@aol.com

 

Copyright © 1995,
by Stephen Bittrich
(Draft: October, 2000)

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                                   "THE QUEUE"

                                   By Stephen Bittrich

            SETTING:

                                   A waiting room. Five chairs are lined
                                   up against the wall.

            AT RISE:

                                   Two men, WILLIAM and STREAM sit a few
                                   chairs apart from each other. WILLIAM,
                                   quite the dapper dresser, reads the
                                   paper, the Times. STREAM, dressed in
                                   blue jeans, a blue jean jacket, and a
                                   blue shirt, looks over at him and
                                   checks him up and down, smiling.

                                   STREAM
            Really going all out, eh?

                                   WILLIAM
            Beg your pardon?

                                   STREAM
            Oh, that's nice. That's good. Doing the whole thing. The
            total deal.

                                   WILLIAM
            Sorry?

                                   STREAM
            The English thing. Doing the whole deal. I don't blame you.

                                   WILLIAM
            You--you don't blame me for what?

                                   STREAM
            Going all out. Hey, ya gotta do what ya gotta do.

                                   WILLIAM
            Yes, of course.
                          (Beat)
            I beg your pardon. I have no idea what your talking about.

                                   STREAM
            The get up. The phony accent. I'm saying--more power to ya,
            man.

                                   WILLIAM
            Oh, you mean...phony accent?

                                   STREAM
            Sounds pretty good. My agent tells me, "Just be yourself. No
            need to give a "performance." Just be yourself. Go in and be
            truthful." But let's face it. These people have no
            imagination. You gotta hand it to them on a silver platter. I
            don't blame ya at all.

                                   WILLIAM
            You think my accent is phony?

                                   STREAM
            Well, you're no Peter O'Toole, but it sounds pretty good.

                                   WILLIAM
            Yes, well, would you believe I really am English?

                                   STREAM
            Yeah, right.

                                   WILLIAM
            I'm quite serious. I am English.

                                   STREAM
            Okay, Bro, go for it.

                                   WILLIAM
            You don't believe me?

                                   STREAM
                          (Facetiously)
            Yeah, I believe you.

                                   WILLIAM
            I truly am English!

                                   STREAM
            Okay, okay. I know you're getting into character. I won't
            disturb you. It's very convincing. Really.

                                   WILLIAM
            It's not meant to be convincing atall.

                                   STREAM
            Oh, that's nice. I like that. The way you said, "Atall." Like
            it's one word or something. That sounds real English. Work
            that one in a few times.

                                   WILLIAM
            "Work it in?"

                                   STREAM
                          (In a pathetic English accent)
            Yeah, and maybe you could say, "I say old chap, the tube was
            rather chaotic this morning. Just arrived by the seat of my
            trousers."

                                   WILLIAM
            Why on earth would I say that?

                                   STREAM
            Oh, and then as you're leaving you could say, "I don't
            suppose you could direct me to the w.c.?"

                                   WILLIAM
            I don't think that's necessary atall.

                                   STREAM
            Oh yeah, you've got that "atall" down. That's right on the
            money.

                                   WILLIAM
            There's no reason why it shouldn't be on the money. I've been
            saying it my entire life.

                                   STREAM
            Method actor, eh? Hey. Go for it. Don't let me disturb
            your..."trance."
                          (Like a hypnotist)
            You are English. You are English. 
                          (As if he's performing every
                           character in a bad Oscar Wilde
                           play)
            "Jolly good, old chap." "Cecily, take out the rubbish." "Care
            for a game of cricket, old boy?"

                                   WILLIAM
            In the first place, I don't play cricket. In the second place
            I am English. Now, I don't mean to be rude, but, I'm sorry-
            I'm just going to do a spot of reading before I go in...to
            relax myself...and I suggest you do whatever it is you do for
            your own preparations.

                                   STREAM
            Okay. Okay. Don't get your knickers in an uproar. You do your
            thing. I'll do mine.

                                   WILLIAM
            Thank you.

                                   STREAM
                          (After a beat)
            You're next in the queue?

                                   WILLIAM
            Yes, very astute. I am the next. I understand they've taken a
            short recess and will be returning promptly.

                                   STREAM
            A short recess. A short recess. Well, that really burns my
            bum.

                                   WILLIAM
            I'm sorry. I'm sorry, but I really don't--

                                   STREAM
                          (Pronouning "schedule" in the
                           English way)
            Don't they realize we have a schedule to keep. Infernal
            buggers.

                                   WILLIAM
            Sorry, sorry, don't mean to be rude, but I prefer not to talk
            if you don't mind. These people are our colleagues, and to
            speak of them in such a way is most unprofessional. I think I
            know what you are trying to do, but--

                                   STREAM
            You're right. You're right.
                          (In a hushed tone)
            It's a close knit business. Don't want to piss anybody off in
            this industry. One false move--and you'll never work in this
            town again. You're on "the list."

                                   WILLIAM
            Ah, yes, right. Well, as you said before, it's time to put
            myself into my trance, so to speak, and to accomplish this
            little feat I do require some silent meditation. It has been
            nice chatting with you, and I do wish you the best of luck.

                                   STREAM
            Hey, you don't have to hit me over the head with a hammer.

                                   WILLIAM
            What a relief.

                                   STREAM
            Do your thing, old boy.

                                   WILLIAM
            Thank you ever so much.

                                   STREAM
            Not atall.
                          (WILLIAM unruffles his Times
                           and continues to read. There
                           is a pause)

                                   STREAM (cont'd)
            I'm sorry. Just one more thing, and then I'll let you alone.

                                   WILLIAM
            Yes?

                                   STREAM
            That get up. That jacket. Where did you--did you rent that 
            or--?

                                   WILLIAM
            Get up?

                                   STREAM
            Yeah, that, with the little--what are these?
                          (Referring to his unique ivory
                           buttons)
            Is that ivory? Is this some kind of English hunting coat?
            This is really wild.

                                   WILLIAM
            Actually, it's not English. It is an Austrian Riding jacket.
            Interestingly, I didn't wear it with the purpose in mind of
            appearing more English. I just happen to be fond of the
            jacket. It was a gift from a very dear relative. Now, sir, if
            you'll excuse--

                                   STREAM
            Stream.

                                   WILLIAM
            Pardon me?

                                   STREAM
            Stream.

                                   WILLIAM
            Stream?

                                   STREAM
            You got it.

                                   WILLIAM
            What have I got?

                                   STREAM
            Stream.

                                   WILLIAM
            I've got Stream?

                                   STREAM
            Yes.

                                   WILLIAM
            Bully for me.

                                   STREAM
            Stream Fallow. Unique, huh?

                                   WILLIAM
            Indeed.

                                   STREAM
            What's your name?

                                   WILLIAM
                          (Suddenly realizing "Stream" is
                           his proper name)
            Name? Good God, name?

                                   STREAM
            Nomen. Moniker. Title. Tag. Nom de plume.

                                   WILLIAM
            Are you saying your name is Stream Fallow?

                                   STREAM
            Bing! Survey says--good answer! Good answer!

                                   WILLIAM
            Well...that is unique.

                                   STREAM
            Yeah.
                          (In a hushed tone)
            It's not my real name, but I'm pretending, like, that my
            parents were really into the hippie-flowerchild-thing and
            named me Stream out of their own personal convictions and
            beliefs--their love of nature and oneness with the universe
            and all. Makes for great chit chat, you know? Conversation
            piece.

                                   WILLIAM
            Yes. I would imagine.
                          (HE is about to read his paper
                           again)

                                   STREAM
            My real name is Polish and has no vowels.  
                          (Beat)
            And your name was--?

                                   WILLIAM
                          (Infinitely frustrated,
                           abruptly turning and offering
                           his hand to shake, although
                           one is not sure at first if HE
                           isn't going to deliver a blow
                           instead)
            Yes! Right!  William! William Devonshire at your service.

                                   STREAM
            Get out! Really? That's, like, your real name?

                                   WILLIAM
            I have no reason to fib.

                                   STREAM
            That even sounds English. William. William. William the
            Conqueror. I might as well just go home right now.

                                   WILLIAM
            Yes, well, if you must.

                                   STREAM
            William Devonshire. Sir Devonshire at your service.
                          (In his best Sean Connery--)
            Devonshire. . . William Devonshire. Martini shaken not
            stirred.
                          (HE does a rendition of the
                           "James Bond theme")

                                   WILLIAM
                          (Looking at his watch)
            My, this is a long recess, isn't it?

                                   STREAM
            So, are you a knight?

                                   WILLIAM
            A knight? You're asking if I've been knighted?

                                   STREAM
            Yeah. A knight. That would be cool.

                                   WILLIAM
            No, I am not a knight. I am not royalty. I do not have a
            title. Being knighted is not actually such a widespread
            occurrence. There are many normal, everyday English chaps in
            the world, and I am one of them.

                                   STREAM
            Okay. All right. It's not what I would have done. I would
            have used the knight bit. It's a real grabber, you know.
            They'd remember that.
            They'd write down something like that in the corner of your
            resume--"knighthood." "Has been knighted."
                          (Then holding up and imaginary
                           picture and resume)
            "Oh, yeah, remember? This was the knight guy." But I
            understand. You're going for the subtle approach. Don't wanna
            hit them over the head. Just an English dude. William
            Devonshire, English gentleman. Country squire.

                                   WILLIAM
            Yes.
                          (HE looks at his watch)

                                   STREAM
            You know you gotta be naked in this thing?

                                   WILLIAM
            Naked?

                                   STREAM
            Yep, my agent told me. Total exposure.

                                   WILLIAM
            Well, I shall keep that in mind.

                                   STREAM
            Yep. She read me the breakdown. "Needed: one English guy
            willing to be nude." You gotta go naked today in fact. It's a
            very important element of the play.

                                   WILLIAM
            Well, strangely, my agent said nothing about it.

                                   STREAM
            Yeah, I used to have an agent like that. Never gave me the
            straight dope. Then I'd go down to an audition--and it was
            like, "Drop 'em, fella." Whoah!

                                   WILLIAM
            Well, I've actually never had occasion to display my private
            parts at any castings. How very unique that you have.

                                   STREAM
            Well, I'm not saying every audition, but every once in a
            while. And it can be pretty embarrassing if you don't know. 
            Like if your knickers have little teddy bears on 'em.

                                   WILLIAM
            Look...Creek--

                                   STREAM
            Stream.

                                   WILLIAM
            Yes. I've tried my utmost to be polite, and it doesn't seem
            to be getting through. This--you--you are distracting me from
            the task at hand. I think it extremely unfair--

                                   STREAM
            Yeah, unfair, like how you conquered every third world
            country on the globe, that kind of unfair?

                                   WILLIAM
            Personally, I've had only one occasion in my entire life to
            conquer or be conquered, and that was at parochial school,
            and I failed miserably, so I don't think--

                                   STREAM
            Just think you can come in here and raise our taxes. Tax our
            tea? Huh?

                                   WILLIAM
            Tax--? What?

                                   STREAM
            We will fight you over land. We will fight you over sea--

                                   WILLIAM
            Yes, yes, that's very clever--

                                   STREAM
            You can eat my shorts, Devonshaiyer!

                                   WILLIAM
            Devonshire.

                                   STREAM
            You English make me sick. Think you're so smart.

                                   WILLIAM
            I don't think that atall.

                                   STREAM
            Atall. I'm William Devonshaiyer. I'm better than you are.
            Nanee, nanee, boo, boo.

                                   WILLIAM
            You're being absurd--

                                   STREAM
            So pompous. So above it all.

                                   WILLIAM
            Look, that is quite enough--
                          (The CASTING DIRECTOR enters)

                                   CASTING DIRECTOR
            Will Devonshaiyer!!

                                   WILLIAM
                          (Like Sir John Geilgud doing
                           King Lear)
            Devonshire. That's Devonshire, you cretin!

                                   STREAM
                          (Quietly)
            Uh oh.
                          (WILLIAM wheels around to see-
                           that HE's blown it. He puts
                           his hand to his forehead,
                           picks up his paper, and exits
                           sullenly without another word
                           to anyone. The CASTING
                           DIRECTOR looks to STREAM with
                           confusion. STREAM responds in
                           his best British accent--which
                           is considerably better than
                           any HE's displayed so far--)

                                   STREAM (cont'd)
            Nasty sort of fellow. That was evident from the moment I
            arrived--trying to pass himself off as an Englishman, would
            you believe?  Ha!  But he didn't possess the refinement to
            pull that off. 

                                   CASTING DIRECTOR
            That's too bad.  He had the right look.

                                   STREAM
            Stream. Stream Fallow's the name. At your service.

                                   CASTING DIRECTOR
            Very good.  Thanks for waiting. Hope we haven't thrown you
            off schedule.

                                   STREAM
            Not a problem. Not a problem atall.

                          (HE enters the audition room as
                           the lights fade to black--)


                          (END OF PLAY)

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