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SOME WORDS OF ADVICE

A Ten-Minute Play

By Stephen Bittrich

 

 

5701 W Slaughter Lane
Suite A130-204
Austin, TX 78749
Tel: (646) 245-4507
E-mail:
SBittrich@aol.com

 

Copyright © 1993,
by Stephen Bittrich
(Draft: February, 1994)

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                              "SOME WORDS OF ADVICE"
                               
                               BY STEPHEN BITTRICH

            SETTING:

                              Subway station for the number one line bound
                              downtown in New York.

            AT RISE:

                              A WOMAN WAITING FOR THE TRAIN sits in the middle
                              of a bench in the station reading a brainy, yet
                              hot current best seller.  There are empty seats on
                              either side of her. JOEY and FREDDY enter, already
                              in conversation, and sit on either side of the
                              WOMAN--

                                JOEY
            That's all.

                                FREDDY
            That's it.

                                JOEY
            That's it.  Period.

                                FREDDY
            Naw, I know.

                                JOEY
            That's it.

                                FREDDY
            I know.

                                JOEY
            You don't have ta 'pologize to her.

                                FREDDY
            Naw, I know.

                                JOEY
            All right then.

                                FREDDY
                          (After a beat)
            But she's gonna know what's up.

                                JOEY
            Do you care?

                                FREDDY
            No, I don't care.

                                JOEY (OVERLAPPING)
            That's it.

                                FREDDY (CONT)
            It's no skin off me.  I'm jus' saying.

                                JOEY
            So.

                                FREDDY
            I'm jus' saying.

                                JOEY
            So.

                                FREDDY
            I'm jus' saying.

                                JOEY
            So fuck her.

                                FREDDY
            I know.

                                JOEY
            That's all.

                                FREDDY
            I know.

                                JOEY
            That's it.  Ya know?

                                FREDDY
            I know.

                                JOEY
            Whatta you care.  Am I right?

                                FREDDY
            Right.

                                JOEY
            That's it.  Am I right?

                                FREDDY
            I don't care.

                                JOEY
            That's all.

                                FREDDY
            That's right.  I'm jus' gonna tell her--

                                JOEY (OVERLAPPING)
            That's it.

                                FREDDY (CONT)
            When she comes up--

                                JOEY  (OVERLAPPING)
            And you know she will.

                                FREDDY (CONT)
            --when she comes up.  I'm jus' gonna tell her--

                                JOEY (OVERLAPPING)
            That's all.

                                FREDDY (CONT)
            --I didn't get paid today.

                                JOEY
            Period.

                                FREDDY
            Period.  That's it.

                                JOEY
            You got it.

                                FREDDY
            Cuz I don't need this shit.

                                JOEY
            That's all.

                                FREDDY
            And she always owes me twenty from the week before.

                                JOEY
            That's what I'm saying.

                                FREDDY
            And you know I'm never gonna see that.

                                JOEY
            That's gone, man.

                                FREDDY
            That's it.

                                JOEY
            It's like a continuous cycle.

                                FREDDY
            That's right.

                                JOEY
            It never ends.

                                FREDDY
            Every friggin' week.

                                JOEY
            That's all.  That's why you gotta put your foot down.

                                FREDDY
            That's it.  Nothing else.

                                JOEY
            Fuck her if she knows, ya know?

                                FREDDY
            That's all.  "Didn't get paid."

                                JOEY
            Period.

                                FREDDY
            "No dinero."

                                JOEY
            You don't gotta explain further.

                                FREDDY
            That's the whole story.

                                JOEY
            She'll get the hint.

                                FREDDY
            She's not gonna believe me.

                                JOEY
            Freddy, what am I saying, huh?

                                FREDDY
            Naw, I know.

                                JOEY
            What am I telling you?

                                FREDDY
            I heard ya.

                                JOEY
            Fuck her.  Fuck her.  That's all.

                                FREDDY
            I know.

                                JOEY
            Ya see, ya see, you let her get that shit over you--

                                FREDDY (OVERLAPPING)
            Naw, I know.

                                JOEY (CONT)
            --she hangs that shit over you, then it never ends, ya know?

                                FREDDY
            I know.

                                JOEY
            It never ends.  Like I said--continuous cycle.  And she's
            always holding that shit--

                                FREDDY
            I know.

                                JOEY
            --holdin' it out there--

                                FREDDY
            That's it.

                                JOEY
            --maybe, maybe, maybe, maybe--got ten dollars?

                                FREDDY
            Yeah.

                                JOEY
            Ya know?

                                FREDDY
            I know.

                                JOEY
            But chew don't play that.

                                FREDDY
            Naw.

                                JOEY
            You don't play that shit.

                                FREDDY
            That's all.

                                JOEY
            "Didn't get paid today."

                                FREDDY
            Plain and simple.

                                JOEY
            That's it.  "Did not get paid."

                                FREDDY
            That's all.

                                JOEY
            It's nunna her business.

                                FREDDY
            No.

                                JOEY
            Ya know?

                                FREDDY
            I know.

                                JOEY
            If she knows--fine.  It's nunna her fuckin' business.

                                FREDDY
            I know.

                                JOEY
            Are you married?

                                FREDDY
            No.

                                JOEY
            She ever put out for you?

                                FREDDY
            I know.

                                JOEY
            "Did not get paid."  Period.

                                FREDDY
            That's it.
                          (Beat)
            You know, I know, I know what she's gonna do.

                                JOEY
            What?

                                FREDDY
            I know what she's gonna do.  She's gonna run straight to
            Artie.

                                JOEY
            Awww, man.

                                FREDDY
            Straight to him.

                                JOEY
            She thinks it's a game.

                                FREDDY
            Yeah.

                                JOEY
            It's like a fuckin' game to her.

                                FREDDY
            That's it.

                                JOEY
            She's playing monopoly.

                                FREDDY
            And Artie's such a nice guy--

                                JOEY
            He's a prince.

                                FREDDY
            He'll give it to her.

                                JOEY
            Ya know...

                                FREDDY
            Give her anything she wants.

                                JOEY
            She's a witch, man.  She's a like a saucerous.

                                FREDDY
            She'll just reel him in.

                                JOEY
            Well, that's Artie.

                                FREDDY
            Yeah...but you know--

                                JOEY
            No, I don't know nuthin'.  That's Artie, right?

                                FREDDY
            Yeah.

                                JOEY
            Am I right?

                                FREDDY
            Yeah.

                                JOEY
            Artie's Artie.  Your Freddy.  You don't play that shit.

                                FREDDY
                          (Unsure)
            I know.  I know.  I know.

                                JOEY
                          (Long beat)
            You're a fuckin' pussy.

                                FREDDY
            What?

                                JOEY
            She got you.

                                FREDDY
            She don't got me!

                                JOEY
            Awww, you fuckin' pussy!  She's got your number.  That ten
            bucks is--hell, why don't you just write her name on it right
            now?

                                FREDDY
            She don't got me.  So shut the fuck up.

                                JOEY (OVERLAPPING)
                          (To WOMAN WAITING)
            Here, here, you gotta pen?  That's all.  Just sign it over to
            her.

                                FREDDY
            You don't know, Joey.

                                JOEY
            "From Freddy, the push-over, with love."

                                FREDDY
            You're full-a-shit, man.

                                JOEY
            So, prove me wrong.

                                FREDDY
            I am.

                                JOEY
            So handle it.

                                FREDDY
            I am.

                                JOEY
            That's all.

                                FREDDY
                          (Beat)
            I'm just thinkin' about Artie, that's all.

                                JOEY
            You're jus' thinkin' about Artie.

                                FREDDY
            He's a good guy.

                                JOEY
            What, I don't get it.  What's that to you?

                                FREDDY
            I'm jus' sayin'.

                                JOEY
            He could be the nicest guy in the world.  He could come over
            to my house and cut my grass and kiss my ass.  What's that to
            me?

                                FREDDY
            What are you talkin' about?

                                JOEY
            I'm not talkin' about anything.  I'm just saying, you don't
            give a shit about Artie.

                                FREDDY
            What does cuttin' grass have to do with it?

                                JOEY
            Bottom line is you think Artie's got a shot.  She's got the
            two a yous on a leash.  Little puppy dogs--with your little
            puppy weiners thinkin' you got a shot.  Meanwhile, she's
            stealin' all yer dog food.

                                FREDDY
            Will you shut the fuck up?  You got people lookin'.

                                JOEY
            Hey, I'm out of it.  All right?  You axed me.  I tole you.
            That's all.  Jus' don't come runnin' ta me.

                                FREDDY
            Don't worry, Joey.  I got it under control.  I'm a stone,
            Joey, I'm a blocka goddamn ice, and she ain't gettin' shit.

                                JOEY
            Now yer talkin'.

                                FREDDY
            That's all.

                                JOEY
            That's it.

                                FREDDY
            That's it.  Period.

                                JOEY
            Now you got it!

                                FREDDY
                          (After a beat)
            You think she put out for Artie?

                          (JOEY just shakes his head in
                           disgust at FREDDY.  Lights
                           fade to black)


                          (END OF PLAY)

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