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SOME WORDS OF ADVICE A Ten-Minute Play
By Stephen Bittrich
5701 W Slaughter Lane
Suite A130-204
Austin, TX 78749
Tel: (646) 245-4507
E-mail: SBittrich@aol.com
Copyright © 1993,
by Stephen Bittrich
(Draft: February, 1994)
"SOME WORDS OF ADVICE"
BY STEPHEN BITTRICH
SETTING:
Subway station for the number one line bound
downtown in New York.
AT RISE:
A WOMAN WAITING FOR THE TRAIN sits in the middle
of a bench in the station reading a brainy, yet
hot current best seller. There are empty seats on
either side of her. JOEY and FREDDY enter, already
in conversation, and sit on either side of the
WOMAN--
JOEY
That's all.
FREDDY
That's it.
JOEY
That's it. Period.
FREDDY
Naw, I know.
JOEY
That's it.
FREDDY
I know.
JOEY
You don't have ta 'pologize to her.
FREDDY
Naw, I know.
JOEY
All right then.
FREDDY
(After a beat)
But she's gonna know what's up.
JOEY
Do you care?
FREDDY
No, I don't care.
JOEY (OVERLAPPING)
That's it.
FREDDY (CONT)
It's no skin off me. I'm jus' saying.
JOEY
So.
FREDDY
I'm jus' saying.
JOEY
So.
FREDDY
I'm jus' saying.
JOEY
So fuck her.
FREDDY
I know.
JOEY
That's all.
FREDDY
I know.
JOEY
That's it. Ya know?
FREDDY
I know.
JOEY
Whatta you care. Am I right?
FREDDY
Right.
JOEY
That's it. Am I right?
FREDDY
I don't care.
JOEY
That's all.
FREDDY
That's right. I'm jus' gonna tell her--
JOEY (OVERLAPPING)
That's it.
FREDDY (CONT)
When she comes up--
JOEY (OVERLAPPING)
And you know she will.
FREDDY (CONT)
--when she comes up. I'm jus' gonna tell her--
JOEY (OVERLAPPING)
That's all.
FREDDY (CONT)
--I didn't get paid today.
JOEY
Period.
FREDDY
Period. That's it.
JOEY
You got it.
FREDDY
Cuz I don't need this shit.
JOEY
That's all.
FREDDY
And she always owes me twenty from the week before.
JOEY
That's what I'm saying.
FREDDY
And you know I'm never gonna see that.
JOEY
That's gone, man.
FREDDY
That's it.
JOEY
It's like a continuous cycle.
FREDDY
That's right.
JOEY
It never ends.
FREDDY
Every friggin' week.
JOEY
That's all. That's why you gotta put your foot down.
FREDDY
That's it. Nothing else.
JOEY
Fuck her if she knows, ya know?
FREDDY
That's all. "Didn't get paid."
JOEY
Period.
FREDDY
"No dinero."
JOEY
You don't gotta explain further.
FREDDY
That's the whole story.
JOEY
She'll get the hint.
FREDDY
She's not gonna believe me.
JOEY
Freddy, what am I saying, huh?
FREDDY
Naw, I know.
JOEY
What am I telling you?
FREDDY
I heard ya.
JOEY
Fuck her. Fuck her. That's all.
FREDDY
I know.
JOEY
Ya see, ya see, you let her get that shit over you--
FREDDY (OVERLAPPING)
Naw, I know.
JOEY (CONT)
--she hangs that shit over you, then it never ends, ya know?
FREDDY
I know.
JOEY
It never ends. Like I said--continuous cycle. And she's
always holding that shit--
FREDDY
I know.
JOEY
--holdin' it out there--
FREDDY
That's it.
JOEY
--maybe, maybe, maybe, maybe--got ten dollars?
FREDDY
Yeah.
JOEY
Ya know?
FREDDY
I know.
JOEY
But chew don't play that.
FREDDY
Naw.
JOEY
You don't play that shit.
FREDDY
That's all.
JOEY
"Didn't get paid today."
FREDDY
Plain and simple.
JOEY
That's it. "Did not get paid."
FREDDY
That's all.
JOEY
It's nunna her business.
FREDDY
No.
JOEY
Ya know?
FREDDY
I know.
JOEY
If she knows--fine. It's nunna her fuckin' business.
FREDDY
I know.
JOEY
Are you married?
FREDDY
No.
JOEY
She ever put out for you?
FREDDY
I know.
JOEY
"Did not get paid." Period.
FREDDY
That's it.
(Beat)
You know, I know, I know what she's gonna do.
JOEY
What?
FREDDY
I know what she's gonna do. She's gonna run straight to
Artie.
JOEY
Awww, man.
FREDDY
Straight to him.
JOEY
She thinks it's a game.
FREDDY
Yeah.
JOEY
It's like a fuckin' game to her.
FREDDY
That's it.
JOEY
She's playing monopoly.
FREDDY
And Artie's such a nice guy--
JOEY
He's a prince.
FREDDY
He'll give it to her.
JOEY
Ya know...
FREDDY
Give her anything she wants.
JOEY
She's a witch, man. She's a like a saucerous.
FREDDY
She'll just reel him in.
JOEY
Well, that's Artie.
FREDDY
Yeah...but you know--
JOEY
No, I don't know nuthin'. That's Artie, right?
FREDDY
Yeah.
JOEY
Am I right?
FREDDY
Yeah.
JOEY
Artie's Artie. Your Freddy. You don't play that shit.
FREDDY
(Unsure)
I know. I know. I know.
JOEY
(Long beat)
You're a fuckin' pussy.
FREDDY
What?
JOEY
She got you.
FREDDY
She don't got me!
JOEY
Awww, you fuckin' pussy! She's got your number. That ten
bucks is--hell, why don't you just write her name on it right
now?
FREDDY
She don't got me. So shut the fuck up.
JOEY (OVERLAPPING)
(To WOMAN WAITING)
Here, here, you gotta pen? That's all. Just sign it over to
her.
FREDDY
You don't know, Joey.
JOEY
"From Freddy, the push-over, with love."
FREDDY
You're full-a-shit, man.
JOEY
So, prove me wrong.
FREDDY
I am.
JOEY
So handle it.
FREDDY
I am.
JOEY
That's all.
FREDDY
(Beat)
I'm just thinkin' about Artie, that's all.
JOEY
You're jus' thinkin' about Artie.
FREDDY
He's a good guy.
JOEY
What, I don't get it. What's that to you?
FREDDY
I'm jus' sayin'.
JOEY
He could be the nicest guy in the world. He could come over
to my house and cut my grass and kiss my ass. What's that to
me?
FREDDY
What are you talkin' about?
JOEY
I'm not talkin' about anything. I'm just saying, you don't
give a shit about Artie.
FREDDY
What does cuttin' grass have to do with it?
JOEY
Bottom line is you think Artie's got a shot. She's got the
two a yous on a leash. Little puppy dogs--with your little
puppy weiners thinkin' you got a shot. Meanwhile, she's
stealin' all yer dog food.
FREDDY
Will you shut the fuck up? You got people lookin'.
JOEY
Hey, I'm out of it. All right? You axed me. I tole you.
That's all. Jus' don't come runnin' ta me.
FREDDY
Don't worry, Joey. I got it under control. I'm a stone,
Joey, I'm a blocka goddamn ice, and she ain't gettin' shit.
JOEY
Now yer talkin'.
FREDDY
That's all.
JOEY
That's it.
FREDDY
That's it. Period.
JOEY
Now you got it!
FREDDY
(After a beat)
You think she put out for Artie?
(JOEY just shakes his head in
disgust at FREDDY. Lights
fade to black)
(END OF PLAY)