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THE RISE AND FALL
OF THE ROMAN EMPIREBy Stephen Bittrich
5701 W Slaughter Lane
Suite A130-204
Austin, TX 78749
Tel: (646) 245-4507
E-mail: SBittrich@aol.com
Copyright © 2002,
by Stephen Bittrich
(Draft: November, 2002)
"THE RISE AND FALL OF THE ROMAN EMPIRE" By Stephen Bittrich SETTING: What appears to be Ancient Rome...kind of. AT RISE: Two beautiful, buff Roman lovers say their good-byes. LACEY My love, your strong embrace buoys my spirits. (the trumpets of war sound in the background) LANCE LONGER Hark! The trumpets of war. LACEY I heard nothing. LANCE LONGER Caesar marches on Gaul...and I must away. LACEY It was a lark nothing more. Stay, my love. (the trumpets of war sound again...nothing like a lark) LANCE LONGER (cupping her face) My dear, sweet Libidinous. Your love will steel my great weapon in bloody battle. I shall return to you. LACEY Take me, Maximus. Take me now before the grim, grimy grip of war steals you from me. (cheesy 70's type music starts playing as the actors kiss and begin to awkwardly remove their togas, but before they can get too far, a goatlike man dressed somewhat like Pan dances around the lovers playing a fife. The lovers do their best to continue with the business of lovemaking, but it is next to impossible to ignore the distraction. Finally from the back of the "soundstage" comes a voice...) ARTIE (O.S.) Cut, cut, cut! What the hell? LANCE LONGER I can't work like this! (LANCE storms into the upright corner. LACEY pulls out some gum and begins chewing. ARTIE walks onto the set. HE wears a silk shirt, hip hugger, bell bottomed disco slacks, and zip up boots) ARTIE Hey man, what's your deal? You're a background player, man. You're supposed to be playing in the background. This is like the fifth time I've had to cut for you today. Film ain't cheap, ya know. Sheep Dude. THE GOAT Sorry, Mr. Winchell...The Goat. ARTIE Huh? THE GOAT That's my stage name. ARTIE Okay...Goat. Why are you hassling me? You're scenery. You're just part of the tableau. You know? THE GOAT Right, right, like a tableaux vivants? (ton of bricks just hit him) Okay, okay, BAM! Duh! (mini beat) But what's my motivation here? ARTIE What? To play music while they fuck. THE GOAT Okay, okay, fair enough. Fair enough. Music. Play music. To create a moooood, right? I'm a master of mood. We're in ancient Rome. There is an amorous mood afoot. ARTIE That's the idea. THE GOAT I am the God Pan... ARTIE Okay, if you say so. You're a guy dressed as a goat. THE GOAT The God of Fertility... ARTIE Right on. Okay-- THE GOAT I've got to get the juices flowing. ARTIE Yes. Hold that thought... (mini-beat) hey, Joey-- (ARTIE goes over to JOEY to discuss the camera work, but THE GOAT keeps talking to him and the other actors) THE GOAT I'm the goddamn God of Fertility! These two horny Romans are counting on me to help 'um get their groove on. You know what I'm saying, man? I'm the goddamn son of Hermes, man! I'm not just going to sit back and la, la, la, play my reed, la, la, la. Right? I'm gonna fuckin' dance and hop and wiggle. You know? Get the LUUUUUV groove a flowin'! Let's make some babies! HOOOO-YAH! ARTIE Whoah, whoah, whoah. Goat Guy, the Goat, we don't want people thinkin' babies in a porno flick. No babies. That kills the mood. We want them thinkin' about sex, pussy, dick, blah, blah, blah. THE GOAT Ah, I gotcha, man. A sex free for all. A cornucopia of lust--a-ring-a-ding-ding. I'm all about stomping grapes and chasin' wood nymphs. I'm all about gettin' it on! Yeah! ARTIE Okay, so you're with me. Just "get it on" quietly in the background. THE GOAT I'm with ya, man! ARTIE Cool. (ARTIE is about to walk off THE GOAT Excuse me, Mr. Winchell. ARTIE Yes. Call me Artie, man. THE GOAT Artie, there's just a little something...I mean greatness is in the details, right? (mini-beat) This is a fife. ARTIE Yeah, so don't stick it anywhere it shouldn't be. THE GOAT Well, I spoke to the prop guy...who gave me some attitude, but whatever...and I tried to get something a little more accurate for my character. See, Pan wouldn't play a fife. He'd play a reed. ARTIE Would he? (trying to do two things at once) Cue sound! THE GOAT Oh yeah. You see Pan chased the nymph Syrinx through the forest of Arcadia... (dramatically) "among Nonacrine nymphs and Hamadryad naiads." This would be a great dream sequence, by the way. We should talk later. Anyway, before he could thrust his goatliness upon her, her sister nymphs rushed in and turned her into a reed. And thus the reed became Pan's instrument of choice. ARTIE Places everybody! (to GOAT) I'm with you, man. Use all that. Keep it right in here. (ARTIE pats THE GOAT on the heart and starts toward the back. LANCE and LACEY get back into place) THE GOAT I'm just sayin' that's all. Camera may not even really pick it up. ARTIE From the top of the scene. THE GOAT Not a problem, Artie. I can do a substitution to get to where I need to go. ARTIE (coming back on set) You know, second thought, Goat Dude, come downstage right and turn your back to the camera. Right here...and just toot on the reed. Silently. Think tableaux vivants. THE GOAT Okay. Fife. Not really a reed...reed's what I want...but I gotcha. Back to the camera? Right here? ARTIE Perfect. JOEY THE CAMERAMAN (O.S.) Rolling. Speed. ARTIE (backing off the "soundstage") And...action! LACEY My love, your strong embrace...uh...buttresses up my spirits. (The trumpets of war sound in the background...but the tape is distorted this time and way too loud) LANCE LONGER Hark! The trumpets of war. LACEY I heard nothing. (THE GOAT mugs in profile in the foreground--reacting dramatically to the trumpets of war) LANCE LONGER Caesar marches on Gaul...and I must away. LACEY It was a lark nothing more. Stay, my love. (The trumpets of war sound again...nothing like a lark...in fact like nothing on this earth) LANCE LONGER (cupping her face) My dear, dear, dear, dear Libidinous. Your--your love will- will--will, uh, make hard my great steel--that is to say, steel my great weapon in bloody battle. I shall return to you. LACEY Take me, Maximus. Take me now before the grim grimy grip of war steals you from me. (THEY embrace. LANCE's back is to us, LACEY cuts it quickly) LACEY Okay, cut! ARTIE (O.S.) I'm supposed to say that! Cripes! LACEY Well, I've got an erection problem here. LANCE LONGER It's not my fault. It's this damn goat! (turning to THE GOAT) IT'S YOU! (ARTIE comes on stage again and JOEY is right behind him) ARTIE Where's the fluffer? JOEY THE CAMERAMAN She threw up and had to go home. Apparently Lance is drinking the wheat grass again. ARTIE The Gods are against me! THE GOAT Excuse me, Artie... ARTIE THERE ARE NO GODDAMN REEDS! THE GOAT Cool. No. I was just going to say...I can take care of the guy if you need a fill in fluffer. I don't mind... LANCE LONGER (horrified) Artie...this extra is ruining my movie! THE GOAT Just saying...if you need me. LACEY Artie, I've got a dialogue problem. I was just thinking about my line...he says "steel my great weapon," then I say "grip of war steals you away." "Steel" twice, you know? I was thinking-- ARTIE Lacey, honey, you're not paid to think, okay? LACEY I'm not paid to sleep with you either, Mr. Premature Ejaculation. (LACEY storms off into the corner, and THE GOAT goes after her) ARTIE Lacey! Honey...it's a common problem... (exasperated, to himself) Ay-yai-yai. (beat, to LANCE) Listen, Lance...baby. You're the champ, you're the man, Okay? You're the one and only fucking Lance Longer. Right? Just take a sec, visualize, think about, you know, whatever you need to think about--naughty nurses--hitchhiking nuns-- LANCE LONGER (dreamily) Cheerleaders... (Up in the corner, LACEY has made a discovery) LACEY Oh my God! LANCE LONGER Cheerleaders playing darts... LACEY Is that thing real? (JOEY THE CAMERAMAN goes upstage to check out the commotion) ARTIE Okay, cheerleaders shooting for bulls--whatever-- JOEY THE CAMERAMAN Great Mother of God! LANCE LONGER How can I be expected to visualize with all this inane babel! ARTIE People, please. Artist at work here, okay? Do your stuff, big man. (ARTIE crosses to the other side of the stage to give LANCE some alone time, and his brother, JOEY THE CAMERAMAN, crosses downstage to him) JOEY THE CAMERAMAN Bro, that goat guy has an enormous penis! ARTIE Hmmm? Well, endowed, huh? You know how we were brainstorming earlier about the title? How about this..."Bend-Her." Get it? "Bend-Her"? JOEY THE CAMERAMAN Not just well endowed, Artie. I'm talking freakishly huge. Rhinoceros huge. Like circus-geek-jackpot-huge. ARTIE The Goat? JOEY THE CAMERAMAN Yeah! He's a monster! And look at him work, man. The ladies love him. ARTIE They do? JOEY THE CAMERAMAN No doubt. Lacey's all over him. ARTIE She's all over everybody. JOEY THE CAMERAMAN And I might add Artie, the camera loves this guy. You gotta see him through the lense. ARTIE Where'd we get this guy? JOEY THE CAMERAMAN I don't know. He's like an ex-carny or something. I think the horns are implants. ARTIE Wow. Freaky. (anxious to continue) How we doin', Lance? LANCE LONGER Just give me a second. ARTIE (to JOEY THE CAMERAMAN) What about "Romulus and Ream-us." Ream-us? No? "The Roman Aque-fucks"? JOEY THE CAMERAMAN Are you listenin' to me, Artie! We need our Marilyn Chambers, man. We need a superstar if we're gonna get on the map like the Mitchell Brothers. This Goat could be our guy. He's got moxie. He's got an appeal with the ladies... ARTIE Yeah... JOEY THE CAMERAMAN ...and a freak-a-zoid schlong! ARTIE The ladies do seem to like him. JOEY THE CAMERAMAN We could start a whole new genre. Porn flicks for the ladies. I'm tellin' you, Brother. ARTIE Or gay men. The goat seems pretty easy really. JOEY THE CAMERAMAN Yes! The guy's an animal! ARTIE Lance's boner problems are on the rise...OY! JOEY THE CAMERAMAN That's what I'm sayin'! I know you guys go way back, but he's not Lance Longer anymore. He's Lance Limpy with a hundred dollar a day cocaine habit. LANCE LONGER I think I'm ready now! (beat) No, wait. Okay, just give me a second. ARTIE AND JOEY Hey, Goat! THE GOAT Artie? Joey? ARTIE Wanna to talk with you, man. (THE GOAT crosses down to them. LACEY wantonly watches his ass as he goes) THE GOAT What's happenin', fellas? Given any thought to the Wood Nymph Fantasy? ARTIE So...this thing is a fife, huh? What the hell does a reed look like anyway? LANCE LONGER (back to audience, beating off) Okay! I'm...no wait. (beat) Never mind. (The lights fade on Starsky and Hutch type music as the new Mitchell Brothers and The Goat brainstorm) (END OF PLAY)