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By Stephen Bittrich


5701 W Slaughter Lane
Suite A130-204
Austin, TX 78749
Tel: (646) 245-4507


Copyright © 2000,
by Stephen Bittrich
(Draft: February, 2004)

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                                   "ON THE SHELF FOR THE HOLIDAYS"

                                   BY STEPHEN BITTRICH 


                                   Bimbel's, the largest department store
                                   in New York City and perhaps the world. 
                                   A lonely shelf on Christmas Eve where
                                   only two "toys" remain unpurchased.

            AT RISE:

                                   Two brightly colored human size boxes
                                   sit center stage.  One box reads "New
                                   York Cabbie Bob" and the other reads
                                   "The New Activist Bambi."  Both boxes
                                   have thin, clear plastic covering major
                                   areas on the front, and we can almost
                                   make out the features of the motionless
                                   dolls inside.  Some Christmas music
                                   jingles cheerfully in the background,
                                   but it suddenly comes to an abrupt and
                                   disturbing halt as a SACCHARINE VOICE
                                   comes over the loudspeaker.

                                   SACCHARINE VOICE (VO)
            Attention holiday shoppers.  Bimbel's will now be closing. 
            Please bring all of your final purchase selections to the
            nearest register.  Thank you, and have a very, Merry
                          (There is  rather lengthy pause
                           before one of the toys

                                   CABBIE BOB
            Well, that sucks.
            Hey, yo, Bitsy.  You still there?
            Bingy?  Come on.  I know you're there.
            Wanna make out?
            Damn it's hot in here.  You hot?
                          (Under his breath)
            Ya frigid bitch.
                          (HE lights up a cigarette
                           inside his package)

                                   ACTIVIST BAMBI
            Are you smoking?!?!?!?!

                                   CABBIE BOB
            I knew you were still there.

                                   ACTIVIST BAMBI
            Do you KNOW, like, how many people have DIED OF CANCER from
            second hand smoke?  Not to mention that you are in a card
            board box.  Can you say fire code violation?

                                   CABBIE BOB
            Aaaah, don't get yet panties in a bunch.

                                   ACTIVIST BAMBI
            I have a good mind to report you to the Taxi and Limousine

                                   CABBIE BOB
            All right, all right, I'm putting it out.
            So, looks like you and me, kid, alone on Christmas Eve.

                                   ACTIVIST BAMBI
            It is not you and me.  I'm, like, out of here in just a few
            minutes.  One of the employees has had his eye on me for the
            entire day.

                                   CABBIE BOB
            Who?  The lothario that works the register over there?

                                   ACTIVIST BAMBI
            Like, how do you even know a word like "lothario"?

                                   CABBIE BOB
            Yeah, I thought that was him.  Oh yeah, he'll be back.  You
            just keep dreamin', sweet britches.

                                   ACTIVIST BAMBI
            You are, like, such a cretin.

                                   CABBIE BOB
            Yeah, and you are, like, the one of the very last toys in
            Bimbel's on Christmas Eve.  So what does that say about you? 
            What's your, like, defect, babe?

                                   ACTIVIST BAMBI
            The Activist Bambi does not have any defects.  We are perfect
            in every way.  We are the most altruistic of all the dolls in
            the Bambi series.

                                   CABBIE BOB
            Well, there you go!  That's your problem right there.  You're
            too damn perfect.  What kid would want a self-righteous
            little prig like you looking over her shoulder every time she
            wants to have a smoke?

                                   ACTIVIST BAMBI
            Children do not and should not smoke.
                          (Using a Swiss Army Knife,
                           CABBIE BOB starts to cut a
                           hole in the clear plastic
                           window around his upper body)

                                   ACTIVIST BAMBI (cont'd)
            What are you doing?!?!

                                   CABBIE BOB
            I'm gettin' a little claustrophobic in here.

                                   ACTIVIST BAMBI
            You can't deface your packaging!

                                   CABBIE BOB
            I'm not defacing it.  I'm just making some renovations.

                                   ACTIVIST BAMBI
            I hope they send you back to the factory.

                                   CABBIE BOB
            Makes no difference to me.

                                   ACTIVIST BAMBI
            Well, it should make a difference.  Me, I want to be a part
            of the great community of Bambi dolls throughout this great
            land.  Did you know that the average girl in America has 6.7
            Bambi dolls?

                                   CABBIE BOB
            Yeah, I think you mighta mentioned it 8 or 9 times.

                                   ACTIVIST BAMBI
            How many Cabbie Bob dolls does the average American boy have?

                                   CABBIE BOB
            Like I give a shit about the average American boy.  Kid's on
            a three dollar a week allowance.  He's a lousy tipper.
            Hey when you say 6.7 does that mean there's like some Bambi
            doll with three tenths missing?  Does she have like no tits
            or something?  What are you?  About a C cup?

                                   ACTIVIST BAMBI
            You are perhaps the most crass individual I've ever met.

                                   CABBIE BOB
            I like a doll with a little meat on her, you know?  Nice to
            have something to hang onto.
                          (CABBIE BOB opens the door of
                           his box)
            Hey, I think I've found the way outta here.
                          (HE comes out)

                                   ACTIVIST BAMBI
            Get back in your box!  There might still be shoppers in the

                                   CABBIE BOB
            Ya gotta face it, Blondie, the fat lady has sung on Christmas

                                   ACTIVIST BAMBI
            When my handsome salesman comes back, I don't want you to
            ruin it for me.

                                   CABBIE BOB
            Relax.  I won't make a peep.  Man, I needed a stretch.  I've
            been in that cab all day.

                                   ACTIVIST BAMBI
            I hate to tell you, Cabbie Bob, but you've been in a
            cardboard box all day.  You don't have a cab.

                                   CABBIE BOB
                          (Rather hurt)
            Yeah, but I can dream, can't I?  One of those new passenger
            van models.  Sweet.  Rides high off the ground.  You don't
            feel every friggin' pothole joltin' yer ass.  Plenty of room
            for the driver and for the customers.  Brand new AC, CD. 
            Vent going back to the back seat complying with TLC
            regulations.  A lovely automatic recording at the end of each
                          (In an even thicker, New York
            "Thank you for riding with the New York Taxi and Limousine
            Commission.  Please remember to gather all your belongings as
            you leave the taxi, and don't forget to get a receipt."  The
            voice of the TLC Angel.

                                   ACTIVIST BAMBI
            I hope those new vans have lower octane emissions.
                          (CABBIE BOB makes a "jacking
                           off" gesture)

                                   CABBIE BOB
            I got your emission right here.  Like you really take public
            transportation whereever you go, Princess.

                                   ACTIVIST BAMBI
            If I did go anywhere other than this box, then, yes, I would
            take public transportation.

                                   CABBIE BOB
            I can't talk to you like this.  Come on out of there.

                                   ACTIVIST BAMBI
            Leave my box alone.

                                   CABBIE BOB
            Like I'm really interested in your box.  I prefer hookers. 
            they don't mind gettin' a little dirty.

                                   ACTIVIST BAMBI
            You are, like, the worst slime of humanity, exploiting poor,
            downtrodden women who have drug habits.
                          (CABBIE BOB unsnaps some
                           buttons and pulls the plastic
                           aside around Bambi's upper
                           body area.  SHE is wearing a
                           fluffy sweater with an AIDS
                           ribbon, breast cancer
                           bracelet, and anti-fur button)

                                   ACTIVIST BAMBI (cont'd)
            Leave that alone!  There are still customers here!

                                   CABBIE BOB
            There you go.  Doesn't that feel better to get a little air?

                                   ACTIVIST BAMBI
            I can't believe you just vandalized my packaging.

                                   CABBIE BOB
            Don't worry about it.  It goes right back.  The Styrofoam
            thing just snaps right back on there.

                                   ACTIVIST BAMBI
            Styrofoam!  My box is biodegradeable, I'll have you know.
                          (The lights start clicking off
                           in sections until the toys are
                           left in the dark.  ACTIVIST
                           BAMBI speaks while they are
                           going off--)

                                   ACTIVIST BAMBI (cont'd)
            What?  This can't be right!  Hey, turn the lights back on! 
            Someone's got to buy me.

                                   CABBIE BOB
            Correct me if I'm wrong, Activist Bambi, but to keep the
            lights on all night would be a wanton waste of electricity. 
            We wouldn't want to waste anything.  That would be
            politically incorrect.

                                   ACTIVIST BAMBI
            Aaah, bite me.
                          (ACTIVIST BAMBI comes out of
                           her box)

                                   CABBIE BOB
            Hey, how'd you do that?

                                   ACTIVIST BAMBI
            I can't believe that son-of-a-bitch flirted with me, like,
            the whole damn day, and then left me here alone.

                                   CABBIE BOB
            I didn't want to tell you, but he was playing you against
            LaWanda, the African Princess Doll, all day.

                                   ACTIVIST BAMBI
            Two timing bastard.  You got an extra ciggie?

                                   CABBIE BOB
                          (CABBIE BOB obligingly smacks
                           the top of his cigarette pack,
                           and one pops up.  HE whips out
                           his light in one swift motion
                           and BAMBI takes his hand to
                           hold it steady while SHE is
                           lighting up.  SHE blows out
                           smoke with great pleasure)

                                   ACTIVIST BAMBI
            Man, that's more like it.  I wasn't cut out for this activist

                                   CABBIE BOB

                                   ACTIVIST BAMBI
            I know this doll from my factory, had a floor length
            chinchilla I woulda killed for.  It was all I could do to
            keep from jumping out of my box and mugging her.

                                   CABBIE BOB

                                   ACTIVIST BAMBI
            She was sent to Texas somewhere.  I'll bet she got bought. 
            Even though my heart was never in the whole activist thing, I
            thought geography might be kind.  You know, the Big Apple.  I
            figured there'd be some little activist in training somewhere
            in the city interested in me.

                                   CABBIE BOB
            Well, you played it to the hilt.  You shouldn't fault

                                   ACTIVIST BAMBI

                                   CABBIE BOB

                                   ACTIVIST BAMBI
            You kiddin' me?  You ever seen the Kent doll they set me up
            with?  Doesn't take a rocket scientist to see that he's gay. 
            Good looking, impeccably groomed, fantastic dresser.  I wish
            he'd just quit yanking my chain.  "Bambi, wanna go dancing
            Friday night?  You could wear your black and white Chanel." 
            He just needs to be outted.  That's all there is to it.  He'd
            feel a lot better, and we could just go out dancing and have
            a good time without all these coy games.  
            He got purchased...the impeccably dressed, effeminate man
            with the wife and two kids.

                                   CABBIE BOB
            Yeah, I saw.

                                   ACTIVIST BAMBI
            Oh well, fuck it.

                                   CABBIE BOB
            I truly misjudged you.

                                   ACTIVIST BAMBI
            Yeah?  Likewise.  You've got a sensitive side, haven't you?

                                   CABBIE BOB
            Yer makin' me blush, lady.

                                   ACTIVIST BAMBI
            We should just let this whole competitive "being bought"
            thing go and enjoy the spirit of Christmas.  The season of

                                   CABBIE BOB
            I think yer right.  It's not worth stressing over.  You'll
            get bought.

                                   ACTIVIST BAMBI
            I'm not gonna worry about it.  It's a zen thing.  Just go
            with the flow.  

                                   CABBIE BOB
            We've got each other.

                                   ACTIVIST BAMBI
  've got a fake cab.  I lost my virginity in an 18
            inch yellow bulldozer.  

                                   CABBIE BOB

                                   ACTIVIST BAMBI
            It was an experience.  It had a lot of working do

                                   CABBIE BOB

                                   ACTIVIST BAMBI
            What say we go for a spin through the park.  You can keep
            your meter running.

                                   CABBIE BOB
            This is the best Christmas...ever!

                                   ACTIVIST BAMBI
            You better believe it.  Let's cruise, Cabbie Bob.
                          (CABBIE BOB opens his box door
                           for her and turns out to the

                                   CABBIE BOB
            God bless and all.

                          (LIGHTS FADE TO BLACK)

                          (END OF PLAY)

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