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5701 W Slaughter Lane
Suite A130-204
Austin, TX 78749
Tel: (646) 245-4507
E-mail: SBittrich@aol.com
Copyright © 2000,
by Stephen Bittrich
(Draft: February, 2004)
"ON THE SHELF FOR THE HOLIDAYS"
BY STEPHEN BITTRICH
SETTING:
Bimbel's, the largest department store
in New York City and perhaps the world.
A lonely shelf on Christmas Eve where
only two "toys" remain unpurchased.
AT RISE:
Two brightly colored human size boxes
sit center stage. One box reads "New
York Cabbie Bob" and the other reads
"The New Activist Bambi." Both boxes
have thin, clear plastic covering major
areas on the front, and we can almost
make out the features of the motionless
dolls inside. Some Christmas music
jingles cheerfully in the background,
but it suddenly comes to an abrupt and
disturbing halt as a SACCHARINE VOICE
comes over the loudspeaker.
SACCHARINE VOICE (VO)
Attention holiday shoppers. Bimbel's will now be closing.
Please bring all of your final purchase selections to the
nearest register. Thank you, and have a very, Merry
Christmas.
(There is rather lengthy pause
before one of the toys
speaks...)
CABBIE BOB
Well, that sucks.
(Beat)
Hey, yo, Bitsy. You still there?
(Beat)
Bingy? Come on. I know you're there.
(Beat)
Wanna make out?
(Beat)
Damn it's hot in here. You hot?
(Under his breath)
Ya frigid bitch.
(HE lights up a cigarette
inside his package)
ACTIVIST BAMBI
Are you smoking?!?!?!?!
CABBIE BOB
I knew you were still there.
ACTIVIST BAMBI
Do you KNOW, like, how many people have DIED OF CANCER from
second hand smoke? Not to mention that you are in a card
board box. Can you say fire code violation?
CABBIE BOB
Aaaah, don't get yet panties in a bunch.
ACTIVIST BAMBI
I have a good mind to report you to the Taxi and Limousine
Commission.
CABBIE BOB
All right, all right, I'm putting it out.
(Beat)
So, looks like you and me, kid, alone on Christmas Eve.
ACTIVIST BAMBI
It is not you and me. I'm, like, out of here in just a few
minutes. One of the employees has had his eye on me for the
entire day.
CABBIE BOB
Who? The lothario that works the register over there?
ACTIVIST BAMBI
Like, how do you even know a word like "lothario"?
CABBIE BOB
Yeah, I thought that was him. Oh yeah, he'll be back. You
just keep dreamin', sweet britches.
ACTIVIST BAMBI
You are, like, such a cretin.
CABBIE BOB
Yeah, and you are, like, the one of the very last toys in
Bimbel's on Christmas Eve. So what does that say about you?
What's your, like, defect, babe?
ACTIVIST BAMBI
The Activist Bambi does not have any defects. We are perfect
in every way. We are the most altruistic of all the dolls in
the Bambi series.
CABBIE BOB
Well, there you go! That's your problem right there. You're
too damn perfect. What kid would want a self-righteous
little prig like you looking over her shoulder every time she
wants to have a smoke?
ACTIVIST BAMBI
Children do not and should not smoke.
(Using a Swiss Army Knife,
CABBIE BOB starts to cut a
hole in the clear plastic
window around his upper body)
ACTIVIST BAMBI (cont'd)
What are you doing?!?!
CABBIE BOB
I'm gettin' a little claustrophobic in here.
ACTIVIST BAMBI
You can't deface your packaging!
CABBIE BOB
I'm not defacing it. I'm just making some renovations.
ACTIVIST BAMBI
I hope they send you back to the factory.
CABBIE BOB
Makes no difference to me.
ACTIVIST BAMBI
Well, it should make a difference. Me, I want to be a part
of the great community of Bambi dolls throughout this great
land. Did you know that the average girl in America has 6.7
Bambi dolls?
CABBIE BOB
Yeah, I think you mighta mentioned it 8 or 9 times.
ACTIVIST BAMBI
How many Cabbie Bob dolls does the average American boy have?
CABBIE BOB
Like I give a shit about the average American boy. Kid's on
a three dollar a week allowance. He's a lousy tipper.
(Beat)
Hey when you say 6.7 does that mean there's like some Bambi
doll with three tenths missing? Does she have like no tits
or something? What are you? About a C cup?
ACTIVIST BAMBI
You are perhaps the most crass individual I've ever met.
CABBIE BOB
I like a doll with a little meat on her, you know? Nice to
have something to hang onto.
(CABBIE BOB opens the door of
his box)
Hey, I think I've found the way outta here.
(HE comes out)
ACTIVIST BAMBI
Get back in your box! There might still be shoppers in the
store.
CABBIE BOB
Ya gotta face it, Blondie, the fat lady has sung on Christmas
night.
ACTIVIST BAMBI
When my handsome salesman comes back, I don't want you to
ruin it for me.
CABBIE BOB
Relax. I won't make a peep. Man, I needed a stretch. I've
been in that cab all day.
ACTIVIST BAMBI
I hate to tell you, Cabbie Bob, but you've been in a
cardboard box all day. You don't have a cab.
CABBIE BOB
(Rather hurt)
Yeah, but I can dream, can't I? One of those new passenger
van models. Sweet. Rides high off the ground. You don't
feel every friggin' pothole joltin' yer ass. Plenty of room
for the driver and for the customers. Brand new AC, CD.
Vent going back to the back seat complying with TLC
regulations. A lovely automatic recording at the end of each
ride--
(In an even thicker, New York
accent)
"Thank you for riding with the New York Taxi and Limousine
Commission. Please remember to gather all your belongings as
you leave the taxi, and don't forget to get a receipt." The
voice of the TLC Angel.
ACTIVIST BAMBI
I hope those new vans have lower octane emissions.
(CABBIE BOB makes a "jacking
off" gesture)
CABBIE BOB
I got your emission right here. Like you really take public
transportation whereever you go, Princess.
ACTIVIST BAMBI
If I did go anywhere other than this box, then, yes, I would
take public transportation.
CABBIE BOB
I can't talk to you like this. Come on out of there.
ACTIVIST BAMBI
Leave my box alone.
CABBIE BOB
Like I'm really interested in your box. I prefer hookers.
they don't mind gettin' a little dirty.
ACTIVIST BAMBI
You are, like, the worst slime of humanity, exploiting poor,
downtrodden women who have drug habits.
(CABBIE BOB unsnaps some
buttons and pulls the plastic
aside around Bambi's upper
body area. SHE is wearing a
fluffy sweater with an AIDS
ribbon, breast cancer
bracelet, and anti-fur button)
ACTIVIST BAMBI (cont'd)
Leave that alone! There are still customers here!
CABBIE BOB
There you go. Doesn't that feel better to get a little air?
ACTIVIST BAMBI
I can't believe you just vandalized my packaging.
CABBIE BOB
Don't worry about it. It goes right back. The Styrofoam
thing just snaps right back on there.
ACTIVIST BAMBI
Styrofoam! My box is biodegradeable, I'll have you know.
(The lights start clicking off
in sections until the toys are
left in the dark. ACTIVIST
BAMBI speaks while they are
going off--)
ACTIVIST BAMBI (cont'd)
What? This can't be right! Hey, turn the lights back on!
Someone's got to buy me.
CABBIE BOB
Correct me if I'm wrong, Activist Bambi, but to keep the
lights on all night would be a wanton waste of electricity.
We wouldn't want to waste anything. That would be
politically incorrect.
ACTIVIST BAMBI
Aaah, bite me.
(ACTIVIST BAMBI comes out of
her box)
CABBIE BOB
Hey, how'd you do that?
ACTIVIST BAMBI
I can't believe that son-of-a-bitch flirted with me, like,
the whole damn day, and then left me here alone.
CABBIE BOB
I didn't want to tell you, but he was playing you against
LaWanda, the African Princess Doll, all day.
ACTIVIST BAMBI
Two timing bastard. You got an extra ciggie?
CABBIE BOB
Sure.
(CABBIE BOB obligingly smacks
the top of his cigarette pack,
and one pops up. HE whips out
his light in one swift motion
and BAMBI takes his hand to
hold it steady while SHE is
lighting up. SHE blows out
smoke with great pleasure)
ACTIVIST BAMBI
Man, that's more like it. I wasn't cut out for this activist
crap.
CABBIE BOB
No?
ACTIVIST BAMBI
I know this doll from my factory, had a floor length
chinchilla I woulda killed for. It was all I could do to
keep from jumping out of my box and mugging her.
CABBIE BOB
Yeah?
ACTIVIST BAMBI
She was sent to Texas somewhere. I'll bet she got bought.
Even though my heart was never in the whole activist thing, I
thought geography might be kind. You know, the Big Apple. I
figured there'd be some little activist in training somewhere
in the city interested in me.
CABBIE BOB
Well, you played it to the hilt. You shouldn't fault
yourself.
ACTIVIST BAMBI
Thanks.
CABBIE BOB
So...you married?
ACTIVIST BAMBI
You kiddin' me? You ever seen the Kent doll they set me up
with? Doesn't take a rocket scientist to see that he's gay.
Good looking, impeccably groomed, fantastic dresser. I wish
he'd just quit yanking my chain. "Bambi, wanna go dancing
Friday night? You could wear your black and white Chanel."
He just needs to be outted. That's all there is to it. He'd
feel a lot better, and we could just go out dancing and have
a good time without all these coy games.
(Beat)
He got purchased...the impeccably dressed, effeminate man
with the wife and two kids.
CABBIE BOB
Yeah, I saw.
ACTIVIST BAMBI
Oh well, fuck it.
CABBIE BOB
I truly misjudged you.
ACTIVIST BAMBI
Yeah? Likewise. You've got a sensitive side, haven't you?
CABBIE BOB
Yer makin' me blush, lady.
ACTIVIST BAMBI
We should just let this whole competitive "being bought"
thing go and enjoy the spirit of Christmas. The season of
giving.
CABBIE BOB
I think yer right. It's not worth stressing over. You'll
get bought.
ACTIVIST BAMBI
I'm not gonna worry about it. It's a zen thing. Just go
with the flow.
CABBIE BOB
We've got each other.
ACTIVIST BAMBI
Yeah...you've got a fake cab. I lost my virginity in an 18
inch yellow bulldozer.
CABBIE BOB
Whoah!
ACTIVIST BAMBI
It was an experience. It had a lot of working parts...as do
I.
CABBIE BOB
Yeeooww-sa!
ACTIVIST BAMBI
What say we go for a spin through the park. You can keep
your meter running.
CABBIE BOB
This is the best Christmas...ever!
ACTIVIST BAMBI
You better believe it. Let's cruise, Cabbie Bob.
(CABBIE BOB opens his box door
for her and turns out to the
audience)
CABBIE BOB
God bless us...one and all.
(LIGHTS FADE TO BLACK)
(END OF PLAY)