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COWBOY SOUTH OF HOUSTON By Stephen Bittrich
5701 W Slaughter Lane
Suite A130-204
Austin, TX 78749
Tel: (646) 245-4507
E-mail: SBittrich@aol.com
Copyright © 1995,
by Stephen Bittrich
(Draft: January, 2003)
Back to PLAYS page Back to One-Acts page
COWBOY SOUTH OF HOUSTON By Stephen Bittrich
5701 W Slaughter Lane
Suite A130-204
Austin, TX 78749
Tel: (646) 245-4507
E-mail: SBittrich@aol.com
Copyright © 1995,
by Stephen Bittrich
(Draft: January, 2003)
"COWBOY SOUTH OF HOUSTON"
BY STEPHEN BITTRICH
SETTING:
An art gallery in Soho.
AT RISE:
RAPUNZEL, a Soho artist, stands down
left center staring forward blankly
into space. JIMMY, a tourist from
Texas, enters down left. HE looks
forward at an imaginary square four
feet in front of him; HE makes a sour
face. HE looks to his right, notices
RAPUNZEL and slides over beside her-
not too close. HE looks at another
imaginary square now directly in front
of him, steps back, squints his eyes,
turns his head sideways, steps forward
two steps to get close, and looks at a
spot just below the lower right hand
corner of this imaginary square. HE
looks up, squints his eyes again, looks
again below right of the square, steps
back and shakes his head.
JIMMY
Damn.
RAPUNZEL
(Without breaking her blank
stare)
"Bloody Sneeze."
(HE looks at her in surprise.
Then HE turns again to the
square, squints--a light bulb
comes on in his head--)
JIMMY
(Nodding)
Yep. Yeah. . . damn.
HE STEPS BACK, GOES BEHIND
HER TO LOOK AT ANOTHER
IMAGINARY SQUARE TO HER
RIGHT. THIS SQUARE IS MORE
MASSIVE THAN THE PREVIOUS
TWO. IT'S TOO BIG TO TAKE
IN. HE STEPS BACK, THEN
STARTS HIS SAME SQUINTING
ROUTINE
RAPUNZEL
"Castration at Dawn."
(JIMMY does a double-take to
her, then looks again at the
square. An expression of
horror slowly seeps over his
face)
JIMMY
Goddamn.
(Beat)
Makes ya wanna lose yer lunch.
RAPUNZEL
(Pleased)
Yes.
JIMMY
(Looking down right of this
square)
Twenty-two hundred! Twenty-two hundred! Damn. That's some
balls, huh?
(HE looks at the square again
and winces)
RAPUNZEL
Some balls?
JIMMY
(Quickly)
Oh, sorry ma'am, I meant--
RAPUNZEL
I know what you meant.
JIMMY
Twenty-two hundred!
(HE goes back to her square and
again looks to the lower right
of it)
Damn! Look at that! Two-thousand! Two-thousand for a
goddamned bloody sneeze!
RAPUNZEL
It's a farce, really.
JIMMY
You'd have ta be crazy.
(Beat)
I mean--would you--?
RAPUNZEL
No, I wouldn't.
JIMMY
No, ma'am. Damn straight.
(Beat)
It's not like it takes any--ya know, anybody could--
RAPUNZEL
A monkey could do it.
JIMMY
Well, hell, I could do it. All ya gotta do is take a brush,
dip it in some paint and--
(HE flicks his wrist at the
square)
RAPUNZEL
You think that's paint?
JIMMY
Oh yeah, it's. . . well. . . you don't think that's--
(HE looks up close)
Naaah.
(HE looks down at the lower
right corner again)
Bloody Sneeze. Yeah, like it's real blood. Dudn't even look
like a bloody sneeze, if ya ask me.
RAPUNZEL
Yeah? What would you call it?
JIMMY
(After a beat; squinting)
"Oooops."
RAPUNZEL
(Coming out of her trance and
seriously considering this
prospect with some excitement)
"Oooops"! Yeah. Yeah! "Oooops in Red."
(SHE takes out a felt tip pen,
squats beside the "painting"
and begins to write on the
label at the lower right
corner. JIMMY looks around
the gallery anxiously)
JIMMY
Hey. Now miss--?
RAPUNZEL
Keep an eye out for me. "Oooops in Red." I like it!
(Indicating the price)
What about this?
JIMMY
What?
RAPUNZEL
Two thousand? You wouldn't go that high?
JIMMY
I wouldn't pay two bits for it.
RAPUNZEL
How about one bit?
JIMMY
(Chuckling)
Yeah, okay.
RAPUNZEL
(Writing it in)
One bit.
JIMMY
Lady, you got some nerve.
RAPUNZEL
I know.
(Finished, SHE stands)
There. "Oooops--in Red."
JIMMY
I think you got away with it.
RAPUNZEL
(Moving left)
How about this one?
JIMMY
Now, don't go doin' any more writin'.
RAPUNZEL
What would you call it?
JIMMY
I wouldn't call it anything.
RAPUNZEL
But you know what? You know what you have to do? You have
to see it from--they hung it wrong. Completely wrong.
JIMMY
Looks straight to me.
(SHE lies on the floor) JIMMY
(Continued)
You gotta be kiddin' me.
RAPUNZEL
Come down here.
JIMMY
Yeah, right.
RAPUNZEL
I am not lying. They hung it wrong. You have to see it from
the floor. There should be signs up or something.
(Semi-seductively)
Come on down here, Cowboy.
JIMMY
Now be serious.
RAPUNZEL
Now don't be a sissy.
JIMMY
A sissy--I ain't.
RAPUNZEL
Well, come on. Please, pretty please. I'll give you a big
kiss.
JIMMY
Makes more sense down there, huh?
RAPUNZEL
It's as clear as the universe.
JIMMY
(HE looks around)
Well, all right.
(HE lies down beside her)
This is real stupid.
RAPUNZEL
Give a chance, Partner.
JIMMY
You work here or something?
RAPUNZEL
Concentrate!
(HE concentrates. After a
pause--)
JIMMY
Two people humping.
(SHE bursts into hilarious
laughter)
JIMMY
Did I get it right?
RAPUNZEL
(Still laughing)
Perfect!
JIMMY
Hell, I kinda like that one.
RAPUNZEL
What's your name, Partner?
JIMMY
Jimmy.
RAPUNZEL
Jimmy? Zel.
JIMMY
Zel?
RAPUNZEL
Z-E-L.
(THEY shake hands from this
prone position)
JIMMY
Pleased ta meet you.
RAPUNZEL
So, Jimmy, with tongue or without?
JIMMY
What?
RAPUNZEL
That kiss I promised.
JIMMY
(Popping up)
Well, you don't have ta, no, you don't have ta do that.
RAPUNZEL
(Getting up as well)
A promise is a promise.
JIMMY
Zel, really, you don't have to--oh, all right.
(HE takes her off guard as HE
suddenly kisses her-
passionately--now with
reckless abandon for the
gallery owners or any of the
patrons. Then just as
abruptly--HE quits and turns
his attention back to the
painting. SHE stands there a
little stunned)
JIMMY
Yep, a coupla folks humpin'.
RAPUNZEL
"The Beast with Two Backs."
JIMMY
Say what?
RAPUNZEL
That's the real title.
JIMMY
It is?
(HE looks down at the tag at
the bottom)
RAPUNZEL
But I'm changing it to "Two People Humping."
(Handing him the pen)
Here, go ahead and change it.
JIMMY
I ain't gonna change it.
RAPUNZEL
It's okay. You can. I'm the one who painted it.
JIMMY
You--? You're "Rapunzel?"
RAPUNZEL
Zel for short.
JIMMY
And you painted all--?
(Beat)
Oh, damn. I'm real sorry, miss.
RAPUNZEL
Zel.
JIMMY
Zel. Aw man, I'm real sorry.
(Indicating the "Humping
Painting")
Zel, I like this one. . . on the floor.
RAPUNZEL
Now don't be lying, Jimmy. We just got started.
JIMMY
Zel, for real, I think this one's real nice. How much is it?
(Looking--it's too much for
this Cowboy)
Three thousand.
RAPUNZEL
How much would you pay?
JIMMY
Well, uh, now that I know how to appreciate it better--like a
true arteest--
RAPUNZEL
Tell the truth, Jimmy.
JIMMY
I really don't know.
RAPUNZEL
Would you pay two bits?
JIMMY
Oh, yeah, sure--
RAPUNZEL
Sold!
JIMMY
Now, come on--
RAPUNZEL
Two bits.
JIMMY
Zel, this is worth--this is valuable. You could make a lot--
somebody's gonna buy this one, Zel.
RAPUNZEL
Nobody's buying anything, Jimmy. Nobody's buying anything.
Nobody's even looking. This show is a complete disaster.
JIMMY
You shoulda got 'em down on the floor.
(SHE doesn't appreciate the
joke) JIMMY (Continued)
Zel, I don't know diddle-dee-squat about art, okay? I'm from
Texas. I mean, ta me them velvet Elvises you can buy in the
K- Mart parkin' lot back home are like Rembrandt's or
something.
RAPUNZEL
Velvet--?
JIMMY
The reason I came in Zel, was cause I saw you standin' there
from outside. You were starin' at that Castration at Dawn
like it was the center of the universe, and you looked like
some kinda beautiful, perfect work of art yerself. And
that's why I came in. Ta get a better look. But now that
I'm here, Zel, and now that I understand this Two Backing
Beast a little better--I think it's about the best damn
painting I ever saw. And I'm tellin' the God's honest truth.
RAPUNZEL
You are so sweet. I could just lasso you by the feet and hog
tie you.
JIMMY
You are gonna make it, Zel. You just keep painting. And
don't ever give up. And don't ever sell yerself short.
These are priceless.
RAPUNZEL
Jimmy.
JIMMY
Yes.
RAPUNZEL
Jimmy, riding back to Texas right away or anything are you?
I've got this mondo idea to do with velvet, and I need you to
pose.
JIMMY
You need me ta--
RAPUNZEL
--Pose.
(Mini-beat)
Would you? Please, pretty please?
JIMMY
Zel?
RAPUNZEL
Yes?
JIMMY
I can keep my boots on?
RAPUNZEL
Jimmy. . . you must keep your boots on.
JIMMY
Then you got a deal.
(SHE smiles at him as the
lights fade quickly to black)
(END OF PLAY)