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CORYBUNGUS A Ten-Minute Play
By Stephen Bittrich
5701 W Slaughter Lane
Suite A130-204
Austin, TX 78749
Tel: (646) 245-4507
E-mail: SBittrich@aol.com
Copyright © 1991,
by Stephen Bittrich
(Draft: February, 1994)
"CORYBUNGUS"
BY STEPHEN BITTRICH
SETTING:
A large, over-priced bookstore on Fifth
Avenue.
AT RISE:
The RETURNS MAN is busily organizing
books behind the Returns Counter. MR.
WEINER comes in lugging a copy of the
Oxford English Dictionary. HE steps up
to the counter and begins drumming his
fingers noisily.
RETURNS MAN
Yes sir, how may I help you?
MR. WEINER
I've got a defective O-E-D.
RETURNS MAN
I'm very sorry, sir. And what exactly is a defective O-E-D?
(MR. WEINER slams the O-E-D
down on the counter)
RETURNS MAN (CONTINUED)
Ah yes, the Oxford English Dictionary.
MR. WEINER
O-E-D.
RETURNS MAN
Yes, I see. And what exactly is the matter with your O-E-D,
sir?
MR. WEINER
It's missing words.
RETURNS MAN
Really? Missing--
MR. WEINER
Missing words.
RETURNS MAN
I see. Well, what kinds of words is it missing, exactly?
MR. WEINER
All kinds of words.
RETURNS MAN
Hmmmm, well, is the book missing pages? Is that the way in
which it's defec--
MR. WEINER
Just words!
RETURNS MAN
Aaaaall right, well, did you want to exchange the book, sir,
or receive store cred--?
MR. WEINER
Exchange.
RETURNS MAN
Of course, of course. Allow me to just--
(The RETURNS MAN speaks into a
phone--)
Roger, please send up a copy of the Oxford English Diction
ary-- right away.
MR. WEINER
(Under his breath)
O-E-D.
RETURNS MAN
Well, sir, that book will be sent right up.
(MR. WEINER sighs heavily and
looks at his watch)
RETURNS MAN (CONTINUED)
Well. . . if I may ask, sir, what words did you find missing
from your. . . O-E-D?
MR. WEINER
I couldn't find "corybungus."
RETURNS MAN
You don't say.
MR. WEINER
Yes, I do.
RETURNS MAN
"Corybungus."
MR. WEINER
It isn't in there. Look for yourself.
RETURNS MAN
No, no, I believe you.
MR. WEINER
I mean, there's really no point of having an O-E-D if it's
missing important words.
RETURNS MAN
Of course.
(Beat)
Now, what exactly does "corybungus" mean? I don't know that
one.
MR. WEINER
You think I made it up?
RETURNS MAN
I believe you! I just don't know the word.
MR. WEINER
(Condescendingly)
Oh really? Well, I find it embarrassing to say.
RETURNS MAN
Oh, it's. . . it's an embarrassing word?
MR. WEINER
Well, I really don't know you well.
RETURNS MAN
No.
MR. WEINER
I find it embarrassing to say.
RETURNS MAN
Of course.
MR. WEINER
(After a beat)
Bum.
RETURNS MAN
Excuse me?
MR. WEINER
Bum! Buttocks! Butt! Derriere! Posterior! Ass! OKAY?
RETURNS MAN
(Embarrassed; looking around
the store)
Oh. . . I see. That's corybungus.
MR. WEINER
Yes.
RETURNS MAN
I never heard that one.
MR. WEINER
Well, it's a biggy.
RETURNS MAN
Yes.
(Beat)
Sir, do you suppose that corybungus will be in the dictionary
they're sending up?
MR. WEINER
Why not?
RETURNS MAN
Well--
MR. WEINER
You trying to unload defective dictionaries?
RETURNS MAN
No, no, not to my knowledge.
MR. WEINER
Because I could shop some place else.
RETURNS MAN
Sir, I'm not suggesting that in the least. It's just that, I
was thinking, perhaps corybungus might be considered to be
too much of a. . . colloquialism to be included in the--
MR. WEINER
Colloquialism? What do I look like--some sassifersing hick?
RETURNS MAN
No sir, I didn't mean--
MR. WEINER
Corybungus! Corybungus!
RETURNS MAN
Sir!
MR. WEINER
I'll have you know Shakespeare used corybungus in Coriolanus.
RETURNS MAN
No.
MR. WEINER
Act 5, Scene 2, Line 77. Corybungus! "I beg you take withal
my wanton heart/But touch you not my virgin Corybungus."
RETURNS MAN
Really?
MR. WEINER
Milton used corybungus at least twice in Paradise Lost.
RETURNS MAN
Milton?
MR. WEINER
CORYBUNGUS IS IMPORTANT!
RETURNS MAN
Please, sir, you don't need to shout.
MR. WEINER
Oh? And what makes you so blankyfrank snifferudinous?
RETURNS MAN
Snifferud--
MR. WEINER
You don't pay my disturbennents. I pay my own! I don't have
to take juppers from you.
RETURNS MAN
Look, sir, I'm going to have to ask you to leave if you--!
MR. WEINER
Leave? You smelly corybungus!
RETURNS MAN
Now don't you call me that!
MR. WEINER
Corybungus! Corybungus! Your mother's got barnicrusts on
her tits!
RETURNS MAN
Look you--dickhead! If you want your money back--
MR. WEINER
Trilly frilly poopoopacks on her dangustrucks--
RETURNS MAN
You'll have to show me a receipt--
MR. WEINER
Receipt?
RETURNS MAN
Otherwise, I'll have security escort you out right now.
MR. WEINER
Here's my receipt.
(The RETURNS MAN snatches the
receipt)
RETURNS MAN
This wasn't bought here.
MR. WEINER
I know that.
RETURNS MAN
YOU CAN'T RETURN A BOOK YOU DIDN'T BUY HERE!
MR. WEINER
Why not? You do have the O-E-D, don't you?
RETURNS MAN
THAT'S BESIDE THE POINT! YOU CAN'T EXCHANGE--
MR. WEINER
Corybungushead.
RETURNS MAN
GET OUT OF HERE! GET OUT OF HERE RIGHT NOW!
(Picks up the intercom)
SECURITY TO THE RETURNS DESK! SECURITY TO THE RETURNS DESK!
MR. WEINER
Oh, don't get your ziddles in an uproar. I'm leaving.
RETURNS MAN
I don't want to see you in here again!
MR. WEINER
(Leaving)
I would never shop here anyway.
RETURNS MAN
And there's no such word as corybungus!
MR. WEINER
"And there rose from the forbidding sea the great white
Leviathan--as white as the whitest of corybungi in our
swarthy crew."
RETURNS MAN
I don't want to hear it!
MR. WEINER
Moby Dick.
RETURNS MAN
Up yours, pal!
MR. WEINER
(Fading away as HE walks out
the door)
"I think that I shall never see,/A corybungus as on thee--/So
sweet, so firm, so grand to touch,/It is the bum I dream to
clutch."
RETURNS MAN
(Into the phone)
Roger, cancel that O-E-D. And Roger, while I've got you on,
look up the word, "Corybungus."
(The lights fade to black)
(END OF PLAY)