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BRINGING UP LESTER By Stephen Bittrich
5701 W Slaughter Lane
Suite A130-204
Austin, TX 78749
Tel: (646) 245-4507
E-mail: SBittrich@aol.com
Copyright © 2001,
by Stephen Bittrich
(Draft: May, 2001)11 pages
Back to PLAYS page Back to One-Acts page
BRINGING UP LESTER By Stephen Bittrich
5701 W Slaughter Lane
Suite A130-204
Austin, TX 78749
Tel: (646) 245-4507
E-mail: SBittrich@aol.com
Copyright © 2001,
by Stephen Bittrich
(Draft: May, 2001)11 pages
"BRINGING UP LESTER"
BY STEPHEN BITTRICH
SETTING:
A run down apartment in New Jersey.
AT RISE:
MOTHER enters, haggard, with a suitcase
that has travel stickers all over it.
FATHER, wearing a very soiled white
tank top T-shirt, is in his recliner
facing the audience, watching t.v.
FATHER
Who is it? Who's there?
MOTHER
It's...it's me, Charles. I have returned.
FATHER
Eh? Who? Who is it?
MOTHER
It's me. It's Marge, your wife.
FATHER
Margie?
MOTHER
I know...I know I've been gone a long time. I know I did you
wrong. There's not much I can say. Things didn't work out
with...my lover.
(beat)
I'm asking you...I'm asking you to...
FATHER
Can you get me a beer? It's about to kick off...
MOTHER
I know I have no right. I know I'm standing on thin ice.
I'm asking for your forgiveness, Charles. I made a mistake.
FATHER
Yeah, okay. Sure. What about the beer? It's about to kick
off--
(yelling)
IT'S ABOUT TO KICK OFF!!!
MOTHER
I can hear you. You needn't shout. I know you're hurt,
angry, feeling inadequate...
FATHER
(as if yelling at someone else
entirely)
HURRY UP! HURRY UP! IT'S ABOUT TO KICK OFF!
MOTHER
It wasn't you. It was me. I was incapable of love, true
love...got married way too young...without ever discovering
myself...what makes me special.
(beat)
And then he came along, teaching the tango and the cha-cha,
flashing those pearly whites, that dark immaculate hair...
(The LOVER enters and Cha-chas
with her, smiling broadly all
the while)
Suddenly, I who was devoid of real emotion, a bland little
haus frau, was suddenly a part of something special...part of
a team...that moved in perfect unison to the cha, cha,
cha...the cha, cha, cha of perfection. I got swept up in
the rhythm--in the fever--of the fantasy. I thought it was
real, but it was an illusion...
(beat)
...and now I've come back...back on my hands and knees to ask
for your--
FATHER
AWWWW! IT JUST KICKED OFF!
(BABY enters. HE is a grown
man of pleasing girth, a happy
face, completely bald and
wearing only a big white
diaper and an odd little knit
scarf. HE carries a gigantic
bowl, spoon, an economy sized
Fruit Loops, and a container
of milk that must be 5
gallons)
BABY
I heard you. I heard you.
(to MOTHER)
Oh, hi Ma.
MOTHER
Eh?
BABY
(to FATHER)
We're almost out of Fruit Loops. Did you hear me, Pop?
We're almost out of Fruit Loops.
MOTHER
Who is this man?
FATHER
I heard you, but where's my beer? Did you forget it? It
kicked off, dammit! Dammit to hell!
BABY
I got your beer, Pops. Don't have a hernia.
(HE pulls the beer out of the
back of his diaper)
Here you go.
MOTHER
Charles. Charles, who is this man?
FATHER
(somewhat puzzled at her
ignorance)
Mother, this is your son. This is Baby Lester.
BABY
Hi.
(HE sits on the couch)
MOTHER
Charles...what are you talking about?
FATHER
You've been gone a long time, Marge. I had to take care of
things, you know. Believe you me, it's hard running a
nontraditional household in this backwards society. The
looks I'd get at the market, the kiddie birthday parties with
with me the only man, the lonely parent conferences...but I
did it, Marge. I learned how to do the laundry...work the
vacuum and that damn mixer. I learned how to can peaches,
iron a pair of underwear, and knit.
BABY
He knit me this scarf.
FATHER
It wasn't easy, but it made me a better man. I am a Mr. Mom,
hear me roar.
BABY
(all the while preparing a huge
bowl of cereal)
You tell 'um, Pop!
MOTHER
Charles...
FATHER
Mother?
MOTHER
We don't have a son.
(The TWO men laugh
uproariously)
MOTHER (cont'd)
We don't have a son, Charles!
BABY
Good one, Ma!
FATHER
Ha, ha, yeah! "Hi, I'm home after twenty-two years...p.s.,
we don't have a son!" Ha, ha!
MOTHER
Twenty-two years?
FATHER
Don't dribble on the couch, Lester! Put a newspaper down.
BABY
Sure thing, Pop.
(HE rises to fetch a newspaper)
FATHER
(knowingly)
Kids!
MOTHER
Charles, who is that big bald man? Why is he in our home?
Why is he wearing a diaper?
FATHER
We did miss you, you know Marge? It wasn't the sex, though
we did miss that, even though you just lay there like a
brick...and it wasn't the cooking, though regular as
clockwork, everything had a distinctly over boiled
taste...and it wasn't the company, since you never liked "the
game" and basically never talked to us.
(beat)
It was your motherhood, Marge. That's what we missed, me and
the boy. We did our best. We carried on, but there was an
emptiness that couldn't be filled with Fruit Loops and hugs.
There is no substitute for Mom.
MOTHER
What in the hell are you talking about?
(BABY returns with newspaper
and starts spreading it out)
FATHER
There you go, Baby Lester. Don't want any more spills on the
couch...all out of Stain Be Gone!
MOTHER
Charles, I would know if I had a child...if anyone would.
And I never had a child!
FATHER
Mother, that Latin cha-cha artist smack you in the head? You
gone daffy?
MOTHER
Besides which, I have only been gone for three months...
FATHER
Three months...
(The MEN laugh)
BABY
So where all did you go, Ma? From all the travel stickers on
your suitcase, it looks like you went around the whole dang
world. Jeepers! What's it like, Ma, that world of ours? Is
it amazing? You go to the leaning tower of Pisa?
MOTHER
That's really none of your business.
FATHER
Boy's just curious, Margie. Can't blame him. Cooped up in
this sorry shack for 22 years. No money for fancy things
like world travel. Just the necessities...Wonderbread and
Fruit Loops. And of course plenty of Vitamin D milk. He's a
growing boy.
BABY
Can I have a sip of your beer, Pop?
FATHER
Baby Lester, don't test me.
BABY
I was only kidding.
MOTHER
Charles, you need to be honest with me. If I no longer have
a place here in this home...
FATHER
You hurt me something bad, Margie. I ain't gonna lie. When
you left us for that twinkle toes, that fancy boy...it hurt
my male pride, but I had to set that aside. Had to keep my
boy in diapers. Had to quit my job at the mill. I couldn't
afford day-care, so I found a job from the t.v. set licking
envelopes from home.
BABY
I help lick!
FATHER
He's a good boy. So that's how we made do these 22 years...I
got the scabs on my tongue to prove it.
MOTHER
I left in October.
FATHER
Boy's been home-schooled. Didn't send him to no fancy
schools. But he reads like there's no tomorrow. All the
classics...Superman, Batman, Aquaman...
BABY
Superman's from the planet Krypton!
FATHER
That's right, Baby Lester! He sure is.
BABY
I have a red cape.
FATHER
I made it out of an old sheet.
MOTHER
My red sheets?
FATHER
Yeah, he wanted to wear a little bit of "mother" round his
wee neck. Can't blame the boy. Got him to stop sucking his
toes with the cape. He promised to stop that day, and I'll
be darned if he didn't.
BABY
Sucking your toes can make your teeth all crooked.
FATHER
Yes, it can!
MOTHER
Am I still welcome here, Charles?
FATHER
Well, of course, Margie. I told you so already. It will
take some time to heal the family, but we'll go on. Boy
needs a mom.
MOTHER
How long is he staying?
FATHER
Boy's not ready to leave the nest, Margie. He's still
growing. But he's no free-loader. He's got a job...
BABY
...licking envelopes.
(HE pretends to lick a few
envelopes with great speed and
dexterity)
MOTHER
So what you're saying is, this man is staying in our home?
FATHER
Don't ask me to choose between you, Marge. DON'T ASK ME TO
DO THAT! BECAUSE YOU WILL LOSE!
MOTHER
I'm sorry. I know I have no right. I know I left with just
a note.
BABY
(referring to the wall)
We framed it!
MOTHER
For me to come back here and expect things to be the
same...you framed it?
(during the course of the next
two speeches, the LOVER re
enters and soon begins dancing
with MOTHER...dancing the CHA
CHA!)
BABY
(reading)
"Dear Charles. We were very young when we got married. I
thought I loved you, and you thought you loved me.
(MOTHER continues to "read" the
letter as if SHE is writing is
for the first time, while BABY
mouths the words)
MOTHER
But neither one of us really ever knew what love was. All
our lives seem to be about was cooking, laundry, and the ever
present "game" on the t.v. set. But now I know there is
more...ever since I started taking dance lessons with Cha-cha
Master, Julio Astaire. He has taught me that life is a
dance. And to live life to the fullest you must live in the
rhythm.
BABY
(finishing the letter)
It's nothing against you, Charles...or the baby, but I'm
running off with Julio..."
(the LOVER dances out)
MOTHER
Wait a minute! "Or the baby"? I didn't say that!
BABY
Yes, you did, Ma. It says so right here.
(SHE crosses to the framed
letter)
MOTHER
I didn't write that! I said nothing about a baby!
BABY
It's framed and everything, Ma--
MOTHER
Stop calling me "Ma"! I did not write that, Charles.
FATHER
That's not your letter?
MOTHER
Yes, that's my letter, but I did not write that part about
"or the baby." You added that part in. It's been added in
different color ink!
FATHER
Marge, that's the letter I got, plain and simple, pinned to
Baby Lester's little basket.
MOTHER
So this note was pinned to what exactly?
FATHER
Funny thing is, I didn't even know you were pregnant, Marge.
I just thought you were getting fat.
MOTHER
I was getting fat.
FATHER
Then one day, out of the blue, you leave me this note and a
baby, and my whole life changes...I become a father. I took
my first look at that little tike, and it wasn't about me,
beer, and "the game" anymore...it was about sharing "the
game" with the blood of my blood.
(suddenly there is something on
the t.v. which engages both
the men)
BABY
PASS IT! PASS IT!
FATHER
GO! GO!
BABY
CATCH IT! CATCH IT!
FATHER
GO! GO!
BABY & FATHER
RUN! RUN! RUN! HOOOOO HAAAAAAAAH!
(THEY high five)
BABY
I love you Pop!
FATHER
I love you son!
(to MOTHER)
I'm not afraid to say "I love you" to my son.
BABY
Uh oh...I think I made a messy.
FATHER
Aw, Baby Lester, you're supposed to tell me first!
BABY
I got excited.
FATHER
Well, it's going to have to wait until after the
game...unless your mother wants to help out. God knows I
changed enough diapers these past 22 years.
MOTHER
He doesn't know how to use the bathroom? What's wrong with
him?
FATHER
There's nothing wrong with him! Marge, you aren't exactly
being very motherly.
BABY
I never even got to breast-feed.
FATHER
Yeah, Margie. The boy never even got to breast-feed. Of
course he's got a few developmental issues. I did my best!
MOTHER
You know...maybe it was a bad idea...my coming back.
BABY
What? What's she saying, Pop?
MOTHER
You seem to have started a new life for yourself. A life
without me.
FATHER
Fine, Marge. Fine. We survived for 22 years without
you...with cheap hookers as the only mother substitute...
BABY
(naughty)
Heh, hookers...
(suddenly a little confused)
...they touched me down there.
FATHER
I imagine we can make it another 22 years...
BABY
Remember Rhonda with the pretty face? She had a pee pee like
me.
FATHER
What?! She told me she was just shy.
(suddenly the t.v. catches
their attention)
BABY
OHHHHH! KICK IT!
FATHER
OOOOOOOO! BOB AND WEAVE! BOB AND WEAVE!
(MOTHER gets her suitcase and
leaves)
BABY
KICK IT! KICK!
FATHER
BOB! WEAVE!
BABY & FATHER
HOOOOOO HAAAAAAAAH!
(THEY high five, hug, and jump
up and down)
FATHER
And that's what it's all about, Marge. Father and
son...bonding...family time..."the game." Margie? Marge?
BABY
Where'd she go, Pop?
FATHER
It's just me and you again, kiddo.
BABY
No mom?
FATHER
I afraid not. But we'll make due, son. We'll make due. We
always have.
(beat)
Baby Lester, you made a real stinky.
BABY
I told you.
FATHER
Let's go get you changed.
BABY
Thanks Dad! You're the best!
(Lights fade to black)
(END OF PLAY)