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BABY FACTORY By Stephen Bittrich
5701 W Slaughter Lane
Suite A130-204
Austin, TX 78749
Tel: (646) 245-4507
E-mail: SBittrich@aol.com
Copyright © 1999,
by Stephen Bittrich
(Draft: October, 2000)11 pages
[ bottom ]
"BABY FACTORY"
BY STEPHEN BITTRICH
SETTING:
DR. SALAD's office at "DNA Alchemy," a
fertility laboratory.
AT RISE:
MR. and MRS. WHITE sit across the desk
from DR. SALAD. All exude an
infectious, bubbly energy.
DR. SALAD
So Mr. and Mrs. White, you're interested in a baby!
MR. WHITE
Yes, Doctor Salad.
MRS. WHITE
It's about all we can think about!
DR. SALAD
I completely understand, Mrs. White. So many of our clients
love babies, want babies, can only think about babies, if you
catch my meaning.
MRS. WHITE
I don't think I do...
DR. SALAD
We have so many glum, droopy, infertile couples come through
these doors, yearning for a little bundle of joy to call
their own. They've given up hope ever ever planting the seed
of life, but we pick them up, dust them off, and through the
miracle of science, a life is created.
MRS. WHITE
Oh, it's so exciting!
DR. SALAD
Yes, isn't it? So first order of business, a small
questionnaire.
(HE slaps down a telephone book
size questionnaire. We notice
that Dr. Salad is wearing
rubber gloves)
DR. SALAD (cont'd)
I find it best to work from general to specific, don't you?
MR. WHITE
I suppose...
DR. SALAD
You would like a healthy baby?
MRS. WHITE
Yes, of course. Doesn't everybody?
DR. SALAD
Usually, but I have to ask. Some parents find some minor
genetic defect keeps the child dependent upon them.
(Making quotation marks with
his fingers on the word
"healthy"--this is a character
trait that HE employs
throughout the play)
I'm not saying it's necessarily a "healthy" way to go...
MRS. WHITE
Oh my!
DR. SALAD
Male or female?
MR. WHITE
We'd like a...
MRS. WHITE
...a little girl!
MR. WHITE
Yes, a little girl.
(Beat)
Is that a general question?
DR. SALAD
Oh, it gets much more specific. Beautiful or ugly? Or
somewhere in between?
MR. WHITE
You can guarantee her looks?
DR. SALAD
To an extent yes. We work with the what you give us. We
filter elements of your DNA. We purify it to its essence.
Have you ever noticed ugly people with a beautiful baby?
MR. WHITE
Uh...I think...
DR. SALAD
Of course you have! Even ugly people can get lucky! But we
here at DNA Alchemy take out the element of luck. If you
want a beautiful baby, we find the DNA in your own make up
that will best make that happen. Of course, beauty is in the
eye of the beholder, but for Caucasians, such as yourselves,
we rely on the the Greek models to inform our "beauty gage."
MRS. WHITE
I...I want a beautiful baby...don't you, Honey?
MR. WHITE
Yes, well, I'd say so, yes, let's.
DR. SALAD
Excellent! A "babe" of a baby it is. As I'm sure you can
imagine, that is the most common response. So female beauty
in the Greek model. Now Mrs. White, I notice that you're
rather flat chested.
MR. WHITE
I say...
DR. SALAD
Do you want some genetic enhancement for your baby in that
area?
MRS. WHITE
On a baby?
DR. SALAD
Well, every good baby grows up! And here at DNA Alchemy we
don't just reflect on the infant life, but the whole life.
But I digress. Your chest just struck me for a moment, but
that is a more "specific" issue, and we are on the general...
tall/short?
MRS. WHITE
Uh, tall?
MR. WHITE
Tall, yes, tall. That's nice.
MRS. WHITE
Five ten.
MR. WHITE
Five ten? Well, Honey, I'm sure they can't...
DR. SALAD
Actually, we can. Five ten it is. Endomorph, Ectomorph, or
Morph-o-morph?
MRS. WHITE
Endo...what?
MR. WHITE
Oh that's the body type, right?
DR. SALAD
Yes. Many people go with the ectomorph, a more athletic type
body type.
MR. WHITE
Oh yes, we want that!
MRS. WHITE
Really? Athletic, Honey? You don't want her to be
more...feminine?
MR. WHITE
She can be a famous athlete and support us in our old age.
DR. SALAD
You know, and at this point in time, that's probably still
true! Of course, if our technology ever became the norm, as
is our hope, everybody could be an equally superior athlete.
Ha ha! Fortunately for you, economics still rule who can and
can't afford this technology.
(There is a knock at the door)
DR. SALAD (cont'd)
Yes?
NURSE SLUTT
Dr. Salad, your tea.
DR. SALAD
Tea? Already? Oh, very well, but it's quite vexing.
(NURSE SLUTT opens the door for
DR. SALAD 2 who carries the
tea tray. DR. SALAD 2 is
dressed exactly the same as
DR. SALAD, and he has the same
hair style. They look like
they could be twins, except
DR. SALAD 2 is terribly
deformed. His genital area is
of particular notice with its
swollen appearance. And to
make matters even more
distressing, DR. SALAD 2 seems
not quite right in the head.
HE limps in with the tea tray
threatening to let it crash at
every step)
DR. SALAD (cont'd)
COME IN, DR. SALAD!
MRS. WHITE
But...I thought you were Dr. Salad...oh my!
DR. SALAD
(whispering)
Yes, yes, that's right. I am Dr. Salad, but he wants to be
just like me, and it doesn't do any harm to humor him, eh?
He's a good goose.
(shouting)
VERY GOOD, DR. SALAD! JUST SET THAT DOWN RIGHT HERE!
(normal voice, innocently)
Tea?
MR. WHITE
Oh, I don't think...
MRS. WHITE
Not for me...
DR. SALAD
(shouting)
THIS IS MY SON!
(aside, to the Whites)
Well, sort of. He's a miracle of modern science, don't you
think?
MRS. WHITE
Yes, he...he's...
MR. WHITE
What?
DR. SALAD
Anybody can clone a sheep, eh? Doesn't he look just like me?
OKAY, DR. SALAD. THAT'S QUITE ENOUGH!
DR. SALAD 2
(with a strong speech
impediment)
Sthing...sthing a sthong.
DR. SALAD
NO! NOT TODAY! TIME'S UP, DR. SALAD! I'VE GOT TO PLAN A
BABY!
DR. SALAD 2
Sthing a sthong! Sthing a sthong!
DR. SALAD
NOOOOO!
(then instantly changing his
tune)
Oh, very well.
(aside to the Whites)
He'll never let it go otherwise.
(back to DR. SALAD 2)
WHAT SHALL WE SING? HMMMM? OH, I KNOW!
(HE begins a little song and
dance which are quite
obviously made up completely
off the top of this head)
I got my top hat...
I got my cane...
And I'm all dressed up...
In a tuxedo...
Dancin', dancin', dancin'
Come on everybody...
(HE taps for a bit. It is
obvious that this is
completely made up as well,
but further, that HE hasn't
the faintest idea how to tap
dance. DR. SALAD 2 follows
along, choking up a giddy,
bizarre chortle)
OKAY, OKAY, THAT'S QUITE ENOUGH! LOTS OF WORK TO DO!
NURSE SLUTT
Dr. Salad?
DR. SALAD
Nurse Slutt! I'm in a meeting!
NURSE SLUTT
Yes, I know Dr. Salad, but...
(SHE whispers in his ear)
DR. SALAD
The deuce you say! Where are his restraints?
(NURSE SLUTT whispers further
into his ear, then HE
addresses the WHITES)
Excuse me for one moment, Mr. White, Mrs. White. Little
family emergency. Dr. Salad, get them some tea, man!
DR. SALAD 2
Huh?
DR. SALAD
SOME TEA! SOME TEA!
(HE leaves with the NURSE)
MRS. WHITE
But I don't want any tea.
(DR. SALAD 2 gives them a
toothy grin, then begins to
sing softly with a rasp,
almost like the whole song is
happening somewhere in the
back of his throat)
DR. SALAD 2
I gok ma topf hot...
I gok ma cayne...
I awe dresthed uuuup...
(There is a mournful howl in
the outside corridor followed
by a few blood curdling
screams)
DR. SALAD 2 (cont'd)
Uh oh. Bad.
(DR. SALAD enters, slightly
flustered with a squirt of red
liquid on his lab coat)
DR. SALAD
Yes, well, here I am, back again. Sorry about that.
GOODBYE, DR. SALAD. TOODLES.
DR. SALAD 2
(to the Whites)
Goo-bye. I wuv you.
(DR. SALAD 2 leaves)
DR. SALAD
Oh, isn't he an absolute joy? Want to adopt him? Ha! So,
where were we? Ah yes, a baby! A little bundle of joy.
What have we got so far...healthy--check, female--check,
human--check, beautiful, tall, ectomorph--check, check,
check, and some outraaaageous knockers!!!
MR. WHITE
Now just a moment, what's all this about "human"?
DR. SALAD
Sorry?
MR. WHITE
You said "human--check." What does that mean, exactly?
DR. SALAD
Well, my dear Mr. White, you do want a "human" baby, don't
you?
MRS. WHITE
Of course we do!
MR. WHITE
I'll handle this, dear. Now see here, Dr. Salad. I don't
know what sort of place you're running here...
DR. SALAD
I mean I just assumed. We can mix in chimp DNA, or gorilla,
for example. It's possible. Still working on cow for the
Christmas rush...
MR. WHITE
A human! A human! A human!
MRS. WHITE
Dear?
MR. WHITE
There's never been any question about that! What sort of
freaks of nature are you spawning in this Godforsaken
factory?
DR. SALAD
Actually, nature has very little to do with it, Mr. White.
SCIENCE!
(HE gets an idea)
Ding! That reminds me, I am required by the sturgeon general
to provide a "warning label," if you will, for our product.
(HE goes over to a pull down
chart on a stand and pulls
down a large poster, revealing
the first of several startling
renderings of terribly
deformed babies. MR. and MRS.
WHITE gasp in horror)
MR. WHITE
Good God!
MRS. WHITE
Oh!
DR. SALAD
Our product comes with a ninety-nine percent rate of full one
hundred percent pure satisfaction, but I am required by law
to inform you that there is a one percent margin of error in
every one hundred cases, if we actually were to test one
hundred cases.
(HE pulls down another
grotesque baby picture. Again
the Whites gasp.)
What this means to you, the layman and laywoman, pardon the
double entendre, is that this science is not a perfect one,
but pretty damn near close!
(HE pulls down the final
picture of a deformed baby
which looks to be a mixture of
cow and baby)
Ah yes, still working on that cow.
MR. WHITE
You, Doctor, are a madman!
MRS. WHITE
Let's just go, John.
DR. SALAD
Mr. White, Mrs. White. Did I tell you about our Labor Day
Specials?
MR. WHITE
This is blasphemy! Witchcraft! You--you--Dr. Frankenstein!
DR. SALAD
(On his soap box)
You think you can hurt me? You think I haven't heard those
slings and arrows before? I am a "scientist," damn you! And
I am not the first of my profession to be oppressed by the
superstitious and the unenlightened. What do you think they
told Galileo when...that coconut fell on his head? Or when
Thomas Edison discovered cheese? When Einstein discovered
his theory of relatives. Witch! Heretic! Blasphemer! But
did they not persevere? Did they not endure? In this great
nation of ours, at this the dawn of a new scientific era, we
not only have the knowledge, but the freedom to create a
better world...a world of perfection born in a test tube...a
world of demigods. And in this great nation of ours, if we
make a few "miscalculations along the way, the sacrifice is
worth it for the greater good of mankind! GOD BLESS AMERICA,
LAND THAT I LOOOOOVE. STAND BESIDE HER, AND GUIDE HER--
(NURSE SLUTT bursts in)
NURSE SLUTT
Dr. Salad!
DR. SALAD
Nurse Slutt?
NURSE SLUTT
The sedative has worn off!
DR. SALAD
Good God, man! Bring me the dart gun. Increase the dosage
by fifty cc's.
(DR. SALAD 2 enters and runs to
embrace DR. SALAD)
DR. SALAD 2
Daddy!
MR. WHITE
My God! You circus freak show!
MRS. WHITE
John!
DR. SALAD
Don't you talk about my precious boy that way, or I'll
introduce you to his brother!
(Consoling DR. SALAD 2)
There, there. There, there, my good boy.
(To the WHITES)
Perhaps you'd better leave. I don't think we can help you
here.
MR. WHITE
With pleasure.
MRS. WHITE
Thank you anyway--
MR. WHITE
Beatrice!
DR. SALAD
Nurse Slutt, show these people...the door.
NURSE SLUTT
Doctor, no!
DR. SALAD
The door!
NURSE SLUTT
Not the door!
DR. SALAD
Show them...Nurse...show them...THE DOOR.
MRS. WHITE
We can see ourselves out...
NURSE SLUTT
Very well, Doctor.
(NURSE SLUTT and THE WHITES
exit)
DR. SALAD
There, there, my precious boy. It's not your fault. You are
not to blame. You are...beautiful. You are a child of
questions and dreams and exploration. In our travels in this
great journey of life, we will encounter the unenlightened,
the ignorant. But we must be strong. We must educate. It
is our sworn duty to show them that science must march on.
Science...must...march on.
(The lights fade to black)
(END OF PLAY)