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THE VEGETABLE A Short Screenplay By Stephen Bittrich
459 Columbus Avenue, #240
New York, NY 10024
Tel: (212) 579-3015
E-mail: SBittrich@aol.com
Copyright © 2000,
by Stephen Bittrich
(Draft: August, 2002)
"THE VEGETABLE"
BY STEPHEN BITTRICH
INT. LIVING ROOM/KITCHENETTE AREA OF A RUN DOWN APARTMENT IN
THE BRONX - DAY
The faucett drips, the clock ticks.
LAMOYNE (the vegetable) is sitting all alone in a wheel chair
beside a cheap kitchen table and chairs. HE is a vegetable,
by all accounts.
Upon his face is stuck a constant agonizing grimace. HE has
intravenous tubes attached to keep him hydrated and fed.
Every once in a while a bit of drool might spill from the
corner of his mouth if his head droops too far in a
particular direction.
INT. THE STAIRWELL - DAY
CLARICE, Lamoyne's wife, and SPIDER are laughing about some
shared joke as they stumble up the stairway to the fifth
floor walk up apartment.
INT. THE LIVING/KITCHENETTE AREA OF A RUN DOWN APARTMENT IN
THE BRONX - DAY
Again Lamoyne, unchanged.
After a few moments, the apartment door opens, and Clarice
and Spider gleefully enter.
As soon as Clarice sees Lamoyne, she loses all her humor.
CLARICE
There he is...Mr. Excitement.
Spider circles Lamoyne, checking him out carefully.
SPIDER
So he's been like this how many years?
CLARICE
(Bitterly)
Six.
SPIDER
Jesus! Pull the fuckin' plug already!
CU of crotch.
SPIDER (cont'd)
His pecker still work?
CLARICE
How the hell should I know?
SPIDER
Don't tell me you don't got needs,
Clarice!
Clarice approaches Spider.
CLARICE
That's what I got you for, Lover.
She embraces him, but Spider keeps looking over at Lamoyne.
SPIDER
Hey, hey, he's creepin' me out. Put a
fuckin' bag over his head or something.
CLARICE
(mean)
I want him to watch.
Clarice and Spider start making out and groping each other
voraciously, like they might actually eat each other. Spider
keeps looking over at Lamoyne, who is positioned so he's
staring straight at them
SPIDER
That's it. He's lookin' straight at me.
Spider gets a towel on the kitchen counter and throws it over
Lamoyne's head. Spider sniffs the air around Lamoyne, then
sniffs closer to Lamoyne's towel covered head.
SPIDER (cont'd)
He smells like Calvin Klein or some shit.
I expected him to stink more. You keep
him pretty spiffed up. He's like the
fuckin' best groomed vegetable I ever
seen.
CLARICE
He's got a nurse. I won't touch him.
SPIDER
Private nurse. Cha ching!
CLARICE
It costs a fortune, but his Workman's
Comp takes care of it.
SPIDER
So what's the complaint? Whadda you
wanna whack him for?
CLARICE
(in a loud whisper)
Why don't you announce it to the whole
fuckin' block, Bonehead!
Spider grabs her hard by the wrist.
SPIDER
Hey, watch yer mouth!
CLARICE
Come here!
They move toward the bedroom.
INT. THE BEDROOM - DAY
Spider and Clarice in quiet, yet passionate conspiratorial
tones move into the pig sty of a bedroom.
CLARICE
He's got life insurance. But I can't
collect on it if I pull the plug. He's
gotta die of natural causes.
Already knowing the answer as he picks up a ceramic pig.
SPIDER
And how you gonna pull that off?
CLARICE
I tole you, Spider. I was hoping we
could put our heads together on that one.
She starts to kiss him. He pushes her off.
SPIDER
So let's get down to brass tacks. How
much?
CLARICE
Two hundred grand.
SPIDER
And I get half.
CLARICE
I thought we could work that out in the
Bahamas or something...once the money
comes in.
SPIDER
You're cute.
Clarice drops the flirtations and gets down to business,
lighting a cigarette.
CLARICE
Thirty grand. You get thirty grand if
you do the deed.
SPIDER
It's all on me? I want half.
CLARICE
(laughing bitterly)
Listen, I already waited six years. I
can just wait him out and keep the whole
Goddamned policy. He's not gonna live
forever.
SPIDER
I dunno. That nurse polishes him up
pretty nice. Cleans up his little dooty
underwear, splashes on some Calvin Klein
Shit. He might live another thirty,
forty years.
CLARICE
Yer not gettin' half. I earned that
Goddamned money over the last six years.
And it's not like it's a real murder
anyway. It's more like a mercy killing.
SPIDER
Fifty grand. Half now.
CLARICE
What are you, Stupid? I don't got any
money! He's gotta die first.
Spider grabs her chin in his hand.
SPIDER
You know, Clarice, you gotta smart mouth
on you.
CLARICE
I'll give you fifty grand, but you gotta
wait. When I get paid, you get paid.
SPIDER
And we're gonna stay real close together
until that time.
Grabbing Spider's crotch.
CLARICE
I wouldn't have it any other way.
She kisses him. Spider is suddenly...inspired.
SPIDER
Good, let's do it then.
CLARICE
Good.
Spider goes back toward the living room/kitchenette.
CLARICE (cont'd)
Where are you going?
INT. THE LIVING/KITCHENETTE AREA OF A RUN DOWN APARTMENT IN
THE BRONX - DAY
When Clarice enters, Spider is pinching Lamoyne's nose and
holding his mouth closed.
CLARICE
Are you fuckin' crazy? We gotta make a
plan!
SPIDER
What's to plan? I'm just gonna suffocate
him. It'll look like his lungs failed.
CLARICE
Ease up! He can't have any marks on him.
SPIDER
He's a goddamn cucumber. He's not going
to put up a struggle.
CLARICE
Jesus!
Lamoyne starts to flail his arms a bit and hits Spider in the
collarbone and face.
SPIDER
Son-of-a-bitch-monkey-fucker! Is he
supposed move like this?
Spider gets a little rougher on Lamoyne.
CLARICE
No! Christ! You're gonna bruise him!
SPIDER
Well, give me a hand! He's movin' all
over the place!
Clarice goes over and holds Lamoyne's hands down. He strikes
out even worse.
SPIDER (cont'd)
Little kumquat's puttin' up a fight!
CLARICE
Keep your voice down.
Spider gives her a dirty look. He's tired of her smart
mouth. Lamoyne finally goes limp. Spider and Clarice sit
down on the floor together, breathing heavily.
SPIDER
(quietly)
Fuck me.
After a moment, Clarice lashes out...
CLARICE
I tole you we needed to plan it out
better. You were squeezin' the shit out
of him. What if he bruises?
SPIDER
You told me he was a brussel sprout. It
ain't my fault, Clarice.
Clarice rises and crosses the room.
CLARICE
We should leave him now.
SPIDER
What?
CLARICE
Let Charlotte find him...his nurse.
SPIDER
Won't somebody say somethin' about you
leavin' him alone?
CLARICE
I leave him alone every night for about a
half hour. I start strippin' at six, and
the nurse dudn't get here 'til six thirty
or so. She's got another job.
SPIDER
It's getting on six right now.
CLARICE
So that's what I'm sayin'. Let's leave
him. She'll find him dead, and she can
call the ambulance.
She grabs her coat, starts to leave, and Spider grabs her.
He looks into her eyes.
SPIDER
Hey. Fifty grand.
CLARICE
Yeah, I said so. If nuthin' goes wrong.
SPIDER
Fifty grand.
CLARICE
Come on.
Clarice walks out. Spider gives Lamoyne's a once over. His
expression still has not changed...agony.
SPIDER
(to Lamoyne)
This wasn't no way to live.
Clarice sticks her head back in the door.
CLARICE
You coming?
EXT. A NEARBY PARK - DUSK
Some local kids play basketball as Clarice and Spider pass
by, speaking in quiet tones.
INT. THE LIVING/KITCHENETTE AREA OF A RUN DOWN APARTMENT IN
THE BRONX - NIGHT
The faucett drips, the clock ticks.
A half hour later, after the sun has set, Lamoyne's
expression has not changed.
The lock at the door rattles.
Enter NURSE CHARLOTTE, young, pretty in an odd sort of way,
devoted, in denial of real life. She wears an old-fashioned
nurses uniform.
NURSE CHARLOTTE
Hello...Clarice? It's Charlotte! I'm
early. Hello? Hello?
She sees Lamoyne's body sitting in the chair, but doesn't
realize anything is wrong with him.
NURSE CHARLOTTE (cont'd)
Hello there, Honey. Have you been
waiting for me long?
She hangs her coat up on the wall.
NURSE CHARLOTTE (cont'd)
I've missed you today.
(beat)
What a long, terrible day at work. I
couldn't wait to get out and come see
you. How are you?
She puts the back of her hand against his cheek.
NURSE CHARLOTTE (cont'd)
Oh my gosh, you're as cold as ice. How
could Clarice leave you without a
blanket?
She starts looking around the apartment for a blanket.
INT. THE BEDROOM - NIGHT
Searching the bedroom closet and yelling toward the kitchen.
NURSE CHARLOTTE (cont'd)
You know, Lamoyne, something happened
today at my job. You remember, I told
you about that Jimmy character? Well, he
started hitting on me again.
I tried to take your advice and just
ignore him, but he would not let up.
Noticing the messing bedroom.
NURSE CHARLOTTE (cont'd)
(to herself)
God what a mess.
(to dead Lamoyne again)
He...he pushed me into the supply closet
and started groping me all over.
(beat)
He smelled.
(beat)
I...I didn't know what to do. I told him
I had a boyfriend...I told him...I told
him you were my boyfriend.
INT. THE BATHROOM - NIGHT
Nurse Charlotte enters the bathroom with a blanket tucked
under her arm. She checks her make up in the mirror.
NURSE CHARLOTTE
(still talking to dead Lamoyne)
He doesn't know about you...I mean, for
all he knows....
(Beat)
Anyway, I think it scared him a little.
He left me alone after that.
(beat; quietly)
He makes me want to puke.
INT. THE LIVING/KITCHENETTE AREA OF A RUN DOWN APARTMENT IN
THE BRONX - NIGHT
She enters the living room. Lamoyne's back is to her.
NURSE CHARLOTTE
I wish you could...
(beat, something in her
switches on)
I wish you could kill him, Lamoyne. I
wish you could cut off his balls with a-
with a switch blade.
She wheels him around to face her.
NURSE CHARLOTTE (cont'd)
You'd do that for me wouldn't you? You'd
protect me.
She covers his shoulders with a blanket.
NURSE CHARLOTTE (cont'd)
There you go. That'll warm you up.
She looks between his legs.
NURSE CHARLOTTE (cont'd)
Oh my! What's all this about?
Reverse angle, his back to us, on her face as she seems to
reach down into his crotch area.
NURSE CHARLOTTE (cont'd)
Did you work this up for me? It's never
been so big before! Did my little story
excite you? My big strong protector...
She stands up and unzips her nurse's uniform a bit, treating
him to some cleavage.
NURSE CHARLOTTE (cont'd)
What to you want, Honey? Do you want me
to go down there? Lamoyne?
She starts to go down on him.
FADE TO BLACK.
EXT. A NEARBY PARK - DUSK
Clarice is walking home after a night of stripping. 4 AM.
She is wearing her school girl stripper outfit under a fake
fur coat.
SOME DRUG DEALERS in the park offer her obscenities. She
flashes them and shoots the finger.
INT. THE LIVING/KITCHENETTE AREA OF A RUN DOWN APARTMENT IN
THE BRONX - NIGHT
The faucett drips, the clock ticks.
Lamoyne's face.
His expression has changed. What was once a constant
agonizing grimace, is now a silly jubilant smile.
He still has a very noticeable erection in his pants.
The door lock jiggles.
Clarice comes warily in the apartment door.
CLARICE
Charlotte? Charlotte? Hey!
Clarice looks pissed as if to say, "Didn't she even come last
night?" She sets a huge wad of dollar bills on the table.
She gets out her cell phone and dials Spider.
CLARICE (cont'd)
Hey, come up. Little bitch didn't even
show last night.
(beat)
No, that's what I'm saying. He's still
here. Now I gotta call the ambulance.
Come up.
She hangs up the cell phone and notices for the first time
Lamoyne's expression.
CLARICE (cont'd)
Holy Mother of God! Lamoyne? Lamoyne?
You alive...Honey?
INT. THE STAIRWELL - NIGHT
Spider makes his way quickly up the stairs.
INT. THE LIVING/KITCHENETTE AREA OF A RUN DOWN APARTMENT IN
THE BRONX - DAYSETTING:
Clarice reluctantly feels his neck for a pulse. She can't
look him in the face.
CLARICE (cont'd)
Oh my God. Oh my God. You're dead. You
got no pulse.
She feels for his wrist pulse which is down near his
erection. She notices the erection now.
CLARICE (cont'd)
Oh sweet God, you got a hard on. I can't
handle this.
Spider comes in the door abruptly, and Clarice screams.
SPIDER
Hey, what the fuck, Clarice!
CLARICE
Look!
SPIDER
What?
CLARICE
Look at his face.
Spider takes a look at him and finally realizes.
SPIDER
Holy-monkey-fucker! Was he like that?
When--when we left him?
CLARICE
No.
SPIDER
It wasn't, right? His face was all--
(makes agonizing face)
CLARICE
Look. Look at this...
SPIDER
What?
CLARICE
His, his thing!
Spider looks.
SPIDER
He's got a boner.
CLARICE
Yeah.
SPIDER
That's rigor mortis. That's what that
is.
CLARICE
Just in his dick?
SPIDER
That happens. I read about that shit.
CLARICE
Something's wrong, Spider. Charlotte
knows something.
SPIDER
Who's Charlotte?
CLARICE
Nurse Charlotte! The nurse! Pay
attention! She's up to something. She
made his face like that.
SPIDER
What are you saying...that she like took
his fuckin' dead face and pushed up the
corners of his mouth--?
CLARICE
Yeah. She's trying to blackmail us.
SPIDER
Us? I'm not in this.
CLARICE
You killed him.
SPIDER
Says you. Got any witnesses?
She grabs his face.
CLARICE
We are in this together, Spider.
Spider takes Lamoyne in.
SPIDER
He's looking straight at me. Was he
always looking at me?
CLARICE
He's not looking at you.
SPIDER
Look...come here where I'm standing and
look.
CLARICE
If he's looking where yer standing, then
why don't you just move, Halfwit?
SPIDER
I'm gettin' real tired of you, Clarice.
Call me another fuckin' name, and see if
I don't slap a permanent expression on
your face.
Spider moves to another spot.
SPIDER (cont'd)
His eyes are following me.
CLARICE
He's dead. Come feel his pulse. He's
dead.
SPIDER
Hey man, quit looking at me!
He hits Lamoyne.
CLARICE
Are you fuckin' insane? You're gonna to
mark up his body!
SPIDER
He's lookin' at me with that freaky
smile!
CLARICE
I gotta think what to do! I gotta call
911.
Spider notices the wad of bills on the table.
SPIDER
What's all this money?
CLARICE
That's mine.
SPIDER
I thought you said you didn't have any
money.
CLARICE
I said I didn't have twenty-five grand.
That's my tip money from tonight.
SPIDER
You make this kind of money strippin'
every night, and you mean to tell me you
don't have a nice stash in the bank?
CLARICE
Spider, yer gettin' off the point!
SPIDER
Hey, I killed this freaky mother for you!
You gotta give me half what you owe
me...NOW! I'm takin' a little trip.
CLARICE
I tole you, when the policy pays, you get
paid.
SPIDER
That's bullshit!
CLARICE
Spider, we gotta keep our heads here.
Spider his Lamoyne again.
SPIDER
Quit lookin' at me, you freak!
Clarice pushes Spider away.
CLARICE
Cut it out! Yer gonna fuck up the whole
thing!
Spider whacks her to the floor.
SPIDER
I tole you to watch it!
(to dead Lamoyne)
I'm gonna fix that smile for good.
Clarice picks up a butcher knife from the counter top.
CLARICE
Leave him alone, Spider.
SPIDER
Clarice...
CLARICE
Leave.
SPIDER
Oh, you done it now.
They slowly start circling around the kitchen table, with
Spider advancing on Clarice while she retreats.
CLARICE
Yer not thinkin' right, Spider. Are you
fucked up right now? You're not thinkin'
straight.
SPIDER
You shouldn'ta pulled that knife on me,
Clarice.
CLARICE
(about to cry)
He's dead, Spider. If we keep our heads,
we can pull this off.
SPIDER
I'm gonna tear you up.
CLARICE
Just leave, Spider!
SPIDER
Come on, let's dance.
CLARICE
No!
Spider grabs her by the throat, and begins to strangle her.
She plunges the knife into his belly. He steps back for a
moment and looks down to see the knife sticking out of his
stomach.
He then grabs her head and snaps her neck with a quick twist.
She falls in a dead crumple to the ground. HE stumbles back
a few steps and falls on his butt, the knife still sticking
into him. As the life drains out of him, he looks at
Lamoyne.
SPIDER
I said...quit lookin' at me.
He falls over dead.
FADE TO BLACK.
INT. THE LIVING/KITCHENETTE AREA OF A RUN DOWN APARTMENT IN
THE BRONX - DAY
There is a VOICE IN THE DARK before the darkness slowly
becomes a sunny, bright day. The sun shining in through the
kitchen window.
A bird chirps.
NURSE CHARLOTTE (IN DARKNESS)
I took your advice with that Jimmy
character. He's relentless. He won't
take "no" for an answer.
But what you said was good. I'm going to
invite him over--so, so you can talk to
him. I think that'll make an
impression...
We now clearly see Nurse Charlotte with a bowl of oatmeal
sitting beside Lamoyne, still with that ridiculous smile on
his face.
NURSE CHARLOTTE (cont'd)
Are you sure you're not hungry?
(beat)
Oh well, I'm eating for two...
We see for the first time that Nurse Charlotte is about six
months pregnant.
NURSE CHARLOTTE (cont'd)
Mmmmm. That's tasty. I like it with
cinnamon. Do you? Hmmmm?
Now we see that sitting on opposites sides of the table are
Clarice and Spider, also dead, also decomposing in
wheelchairs.
NURSE CHARLOTTE (cont'd)
Are you guys hungry? Hmmmm?
(beat)
I can't wait until he comes over. I
can't wait.
(beat)
Groping a pregnant woman. He has
no...decency. You don't treat people
that way. You just don't.
(Beat)
You don't know what it's like out there.
People are...people are.... They don't
get along like we do. They're mean.
Jealous. Greedy. Perverted. Immoral.
I thank God for our family everyday. Our
baby...our baby is the luckiest baby in
the world.
FADE OUT.