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THE CINEPHILE A Short Screenplay By Stephen Bittrich
459 Columbus Avenue, #240
New York, NY 10024
Tel: (212) 579-3015
E-mail: SBittrich@aol.com
Copyright © 2002,
by Stephen Bittrich
(Draft: August, 2002)
"THE CINEPHILE"
By Stephen Bittrich
FADE IN:
INT. BIG APPLE VIDEOS - EVENING
CLOSE UP on EMPLOYEE BADGE which reads: "Big Apple Videos,
Employee of the Month, Jimmy D."
JIMMY D
I can't say it's a great movie, but if
you're on a Brando kick...this is a sexy
little film.
PULL BACK TO REVEAL movie enthusiast, JIMMY D, who is giving
intimate movie advice to a PRETTY FEMALE CUSTOMER. In his
hand a copy of REFLECTIONS IN A GOLDEN EYE.
PRETTY FEMALE CUSTOMER
(not looking him in the eye)
Oh...okay.
JIMMY D
(secretly)
Originally, the role of Major Penderton
was going to go to Montgomery Clift, but
he died of a heart attack before they
started filming in '66.
(mini beat)
And...take note...directed by John
Huston, so...hey...
PRETTY FEMALE CUSTOMER
Okay, thank you...so...then you don't
have DUDE, WHERE'S MY CAR?
The PHONE RINGS. CLOSE UP on EMPLOYEE BADGE which reads:
"Big Apple Video, Manager, Hanz."
The store manager, HANZ, a Chinese guy with a German accent,
picks up the phone.
HANZ
Ja, Big Apple Video. Okay...Last Tango
in Paris...222 Vest 66...
Down the video aisle, Jimmy D pokes his head around the
shelf. BOING! That's "Her" address!
HANZ (cont'd)
...apartment number? Ja. Okay, I have
someone right over dere.
Hanz hangs up the phone. HANZ'S POV, as he looks to TED, the
slacker delivery guy who is nose is deep into the latest
issue of "Danger Girl" comic book.
HANZ (cont'd)
Ted, I got a...
(beat)
...Ted?
Ted is totally oblivious. But before HANZ can figure out
whether this pisses him off or not, Jimmy D ZIPS INTO FRAME
with a copy of LAST TANGO IN PARIS in hand.
JIMMY D
I got it boss.
And ZIP, he's gone.
ANGLE ON Hanz thinking--"Jeez, what the hell just happened?"
CLOSE UP on "Danger Girl" comic. Ted peaks his eyes over the
top.
EXT. ALLEY OUTSIDE THE VIDEO STORE - EVENING
Jimmy D rockets over to Ted's delivery bike, which is way too
small, like a child's bike with mirrors.
CLOSE UP of rear view mirror. In the reflection Jimmy D
purposefully tousles his hair, mumbling...
JIMMY D
Say hey, Ms. Summers...I see you took my
advice about Last Tango...sweet.
He speeds off on the bike.
EXT. NEW YORK MONTAGE - EVENING
Funky, quick shots of Jimmy D traveling on bike through New
York City. MUSIC: think witch traveling on broom music from
WIZARD OF OZ, except friendlier!
Past the FLAT IRON BUILDING...
...past the EMPIRE STATE BUILDING...
...past the CHRYSLER BUILDING...
...past a wall of lunching constructions workers...
...and finally "Her" building. Jimmy D runs inside leaving
the bike on the street as if he's lived in Smalltown, USA his
whole life...as if he'd never heard his mother say, "Whatta
you live in a barn"...as if...well, you get the picture.
INT. OUTSIDE FAWN MEADOW'S APARTMENT DOOR - EVENING
CLOSE UP Jimmy's finger pressing the door buzzer.
FAWN MEADOWS answers the door, wearing a provocative smile
and an equally provocative frock. MUSIC: 70's porno music
(or Shaft-esque theme).
FAWN
Well, hello stranger.
JIMMY D
Good evening, Ms. Meadows.
FAWN
Don't be silly. Call me Fawn.
JIMMY D
Fawn..."le film."
FAWN
Come in.
INT. INSIDE FAWN'S APARTMENT - CONTINUOUS
Jimmy D sheepishly enters, dabs the sweat from his forehead
with his handkerchief.
FAWN
Are you...hot?
JIMMY D
Well, yes, I am feeling a tad peaked.
FAWN
Let me get you something cool to drink.
JIMMY D
Gracias.
FAWN
(briefly brushing his chest)
It's good to have a man around.
Actually, I'm having a little problem in
the bathroom. Maybe I could get you to
snake out a clog in my pipes?
JIMMY D
I-I could give it a whirl.
FAWN
Through there.
(she points to the bedroom)
I'm having some of my girlfriends over to
watch the movie. You're invited. You
must regale us with your intimate
knowledge of "le cinema."
She goes into the kitchen.
BOING! YES! His porno movie fantasy lives!
INT. INSIDE FAWN'S BEDROOM - CONTINUOUS
Into the bedroom he goes--notices the aforementioned bathroom
door ajar. Sexy tie me up bed-posts, turned down covers.
Aromatic mood candles already lit on the bedside table.
Then...
...also there on the bedside table...
...BING! SNAPSHOT of magazine 1) CHICKS WITH DICKS REVIEW...
...BING! SNAPSHOT of magazine 2) TRANSVESTITE BI-MONTHLY...
...BING! SNAPSHOT of magazine 3) SEX CHANGE QUARTERLY
featuring on the cover a picture of a sleazy back-alley
surgeon holding a big ass pair of shears.
CLOSE UP of JIMMY D, horrified.
HIS POV of the bedroom door, which looks into living room,
slightly cracked open.
MOVING WITH HIM, we sneak toward the door, open it a crack
more, peer left, then right, and are about to make our escape
when...
...the DOORBELL RINGS.
FAWN
(passing into view on her way
to the door)
That'll be the girls.
REVERSE ANGLE of Jimmy D looking through the crack of the
door. Trapped! He must now have sex with a group of...well,
granted, very beautiful...transvestites.
If only there were some way out...some little...
...the window!
INT. FAWN'S LIVING ROOM - CONTINUOUS
Fawn opens the door. It is her transvestite neighbor,
Estelle, dressed to the nines. If you passed Estelle on the
street, you would NOT mistake her for a woman.
FAWN (cont'd)
Howdy, neighbor.
ESTELLE
Lemme ass you, did you get my mail again?
I missing my magazines.
FAWN
Yes, that's like the third time this
week. Just a sec.
EXT. OUTSIDE OF BUILDING 10 STORIES HIGH - CONTINUOUS
USING TOTALLY SAFE CINEMATIC TRICKS(!), Jimmy D is closing
the window from the other side. Inside, we see Fawn picking
up the magazines, but Jimmy D is too busy hanging on for dear
life, as the traffic honks far below.
Hand over hand, tries to make his way to next window.
INT. FAWN'S LIVING ROOM - EVENING
Fawn hands Estelle her magazines.
FAWN
There you go, Estelle.
(winking slightly)
Very interesting reading.
ESTELLE
If I could only be half the woman you
are...
FAWN
Oh stop.
In the background the elevator DINGS and the BEVY OF
GIRLFRIENDS have arrived. They are all bouncy and beautiful
in assorted ethnic flavors.
FAWN (cont'd)
Oh hi, girls. Come on in.
ESTELLE
Good night.
FAWN
Good night.
EXT. OUTSIDE FAWN'S BEDROOM WINDOW - EVENING
We see the girls' pajama party. They're all on the bed
eating popcorn, snuggling up, and watching the movie, as we
pan right, Jimmy D's hands are on the ledge climbing to next
window as we pan further we see...
EXT. OUTSIDE ESTELLE'S BEDROOM WINDOW - CONTINUOUS
Estelle is sitting on her bed with her fluffy dog, PRINCESS,
a box of tissues, watching TV.
INT. ESTELLE'S BEDROOM - CONTINUOUS
The camera continues inside Estelle's bedroom. She is
emotionally invested in the t.v.--
ESTELLE
(teary eyed)
As God is my witness, I'll never be
hungry again...
She hears the window open.
Jimmy D is falling through the window. There is a moment,
then...
ESTELLE (cont'd)
(crossing herself)
Gracias, Jesus.
FADE OUT.