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THE WAY, THE TRUTH, THE LIFE By Stephen Bittrich
459 Columbus Avenue, #240
New York, NY 10024
Tel: (212) 579-3015
E-mail: SBittrich@aol.com
Copyright © 2003,
by Stephen Bittrich
(Draft: January, 2005)
Back to PLAYS page Back to One-Acts page
THE WAY, THE TRUTH, THE LIFE By Stephen Bittrich
459 Columbus Avenue, #240
New York, NY 10024
Tel: (212) 579-3015
E-mail: SBittrich@aol.com
Copyright © 2003,
by Stephen Bittrich
(Draft: January, 2005)
"THE WAY, THE TRUTH, THE LIFE"
BY STEPHEN BITTRICH
SETTING:
The acting class of GIL BARRY, the
hottest teacher in New York. A bare
stage with two chairs.
AT RISE:
Two people sit in the chairs facing
each other, KYLE and LISABETTA.
LISABETTA is Italian movie diva who is
trying to break into American films,
and KYLE is a soap actor who has gained
some legitimacy by being in this class.
He is dedicated and earnest to a fault.
The first few lines are said in the
dark.
LISABETTA
I want you.
KYLE
I want you.
LISABETTA
I want you inside me.
KYLE
You want me inside you?
LISABETTA
I want you inside me.
KYLE
I will be inside you.
LISABETTA
You'll be inside me.
KYLE
I will be inside you.
LISABETTA
You will be inside me.
KYLE
I will be.
(Pause, while they mentally
make love. Then from the back
of the house--)
GIL
Okay. Okay. I hate to interrupt this, but I guess that's as
good a place as any.
(beat, addressing LISABETTA)
Bravissima.
(LISABETTA curtsies grandly)
LISABETTA
Grazie. Senza le, sono niente.
(GIL touches his heart)
GIL
Kyle, wonderful work.
KYLE
Thank you, Gil.
GIL
Class that's how the repetition should be done. I hope you
were all paying attention. Please, you two, have a seat.
(beat)
Who's next?
(Answering from a seat in the
house is Steph)
STEPH
Um, me.
(GIL squints, his hand on brow
to shield the harsh lights)
GIL
Who's "Um Me"?
STEPH
Steph...Stephanie Childs.
GIL
Well, let's go Steph. Bring it on. Who's your partner?
(SHE comes down to the stage
from her seat.
LISABETTA will take her seat
and Kyle sits in the aisle
beside her)
STEPH
Rex is my partner, but he's sick or something.
GIL
(At first serious, then
magnanimously allowing the
class to join in a laugh)
Sick or something. That's not allowed....
(beat)
Ha, ha, ha, ha.
(KYLE and LISABETTA laugh
heartily on Gil's cue)
LISABETTA
Per essere ammalato. Non é concesso. Ha, ha!
GIL
Very well, nothing to be done. Kyle, old boy, can you go one
more round?
KYLE
(taking quick stock of his
exhaustion level)
Sure, Gil.
GIL
There's a good boy. Step on up Steph.
(They sit facing each other.
Steph shakes off the jitters
from her hands. Kyle gazes at
her every move like a leopard
ready to strike)
GIL
Anytime you're--
STEPH
Looking good tonight.
(SHE's jumped the gun, and
SHE's interrupted the master.
LISABETTA gasps audibly. KYLE
looks to GIL, and GIL recedes
to the shadows. If it's
begun, then it's begun)
KYLE
Looking good tonight?
STEPH
You're looking good tonight.
KYLE
I'm looking good tonight?
STEPH
Yes, you're looking good.
KYLE
Looking good.
STEPH
Good.
KYLE
Good?
STEPH
Yes...tonight.
KYLE
Oh...tonight.
STEPH
Tonight, yes.
KYLE
I'm looking good tonight.
STEPH
Yes, looking good.
KYLE
Looking?
STEPH
(going astray)
Uh...good?
KYLE
Good?
STEPH
Uh...tonight?
KYLE
Tonight?
STEPH
Tonight...? To--
KYLE
To?
STEPH
To?
KYLE
To!
STEPH
Tuh, Tuh, Tuh!
KYLE
Tuh?
STEPH
Ut?
(KYLE has no idea what to do.
GIL, who has been pacing
downstage, stops them)
GIL
Okay, let's just pause it right there for a moment...
(Pause)
Steph?
STEPH
Yes?
GIL
Steph?
STEPH
Yes, Gil?
GIL
Are you in the moment?
STEPH
Yes?
GIL
You're asking me?
STEPH
Yes?
GIL
Well, don't ask me. Either you are or you aren't.
STEPH
No?
GIL
Which is it?
STEPH
(about to cry)
Yes?
(KYLE hops up madder than hell
and kicks his chair over)
KYLE
Fuck!
GIL
Kyle. Kyle, please. I know that's an honest reaction in the
moment, but give us a little space.
KYLE
Fuck my ass!
(KYLE takes a huge sigh, hangs
his head and leaves the stage.
LISABETTA
Kyle...vieni qui.
(KYLE sits with LISABETTA.
SHE rubs his shoulders)
GIL
Thank you, Kyle.
(beat)
You know what I think? You know what I think, Steph?
STEPH
Do I know what you think?
GIL
I think you're being self-manipulative.
STEPH
Self-manipulative?
GIL
You're trying to manipulate, to plan out, changes in the
repetition, and you're not using your instincts to guide you.
This certainly isn't the first time I've pointed this out to
you...
STEPH
I've...I've been having trouble, Gil.
GIL
Okay. Let's talk about it. Break it down.
STEPH
Okay.
GIL
What do you want to ask me?
STEPH
(beat
Well...I mean...what's my inner animal?
GIL
Your inner--?
STEPH
At first, I thought it was an otter...kind of playful
and...comfortable in it's own skin, but sometimes I'm not
comfortable in my own skin, and, for that matter, are otters
really comfortable in their own skins, or do they just come
across that way? Then I thought maybe a squirrel...curious,
yet cautious...easily startled...so very, very small in the
world. "Don't take my nuts, you!"
GIL
WHOSE CLASS HAVE YOU BEEN TAKING!?
STEPH
What?
GIL
Have you been studying with Rowena Von Stromberg?
STEPH
No...
(meakly)
I mean, I just picked up her book--
(A gasp from LISABETTA)
GIL
NO!!! No, no, no! No books! No classes! No auditions! No
acting! This is my way! My way! How can I be expected to-
to--to mold--ARRRRRGH! When you build the Sears tower, do
you just start building right there on the side walk? Do
you? Do you, Steph?
LISABETTA
(From the back, teacher's pet)
You dig a hole first.
KYLE
É vero.
GIL
Thank you, Kyle. You dig a hole--a foundation! Do you have
a hole, Steph?
STEPH
I...I...
GIL
(A strange little voice comes
out of GIL)
Heh, heh, she has a hole.
(In his normal voice again)
Are you committed to this class, Steph? The rest of us would
like to know. Am I right class?
(Addressing a person in the
audience)
YOU! What's your name again?
(Depending if the person
answers...)
What? Speak up!
(Depending if the person gives
a name...actor has permission
to push the issue)
___________, I'm sure you have no problem committing to this
class, am I right? What? Of course not.
(Beat)
___________ is committed, Steph. He's [She's] there every
week bright eyed and bushy tailed...and I don't mean like
some damn squirrel.
(Again in that strange little
voice)
Me likey ___________.
(In his normal voice again)
Please, please!
(Beat, to Steph)
What's your problem?
STEPH
(Highly confused)
Nothing?
GIL
I think maybe you need to do this exercise with a new
partner.
KYLE
(from the back)
Fuck! Fuck my ass!
GIL
Kyle, please.
(beat)
What do you think, Steph?
STEPH
I don't know?
GIL
You don't know?
STEPH
I don't know.
GIL
You don't know.
STEPH
I don't...are we doing the repetition exercise now?
GIL
STEPHANIE!!!
STEPH
I don't want to...are we doing it now?
GIL
Listen, Steph. Really Listen.
STEPH
Okay.
GIL
Are you listening?
(The strange voice)
Or is it Lady MacBeth listening?
(Regular voice)
Don't say MacBeth, you fool!
STEPH
Me? I'm listening?
GIL
I think it's time for you to do the repetition with Vito.
STEPH
Who? Who's Vito?
LISABETTA
(to Kyle in a false whisper
from the audience)
The man is a genius.
GIL
(indicating upstage in a dark
corner)
Vito's over there, Steph.
STEPH
Over where?
GIL
Over there. There he is. Can't you see him?
STEPH
(squinting)
Is he a student?
GIL
We're all students. "The foundation of acting is the reality
of doing."
(GIL goes upstage and turns his
back to the audience. A
transformation, of sorts, is
taking place. STEPH is
confused beyond belief. From
this point forth, GIL's alter
ego, speaking in a highly
altered voice, will be
referred to as VITO)
VITO
"The foundation of acting is the reality of doing."
(GIL/VITO turns around to face
the audience. HE is carrying
a homemade puppet named VITO
with the thin pencil moustache
of an Italian lover)
STEPH
I don't understa--
GIL
Shhhh. Say nothing. Now it begins.
(VITO and GIL sit to begin the
repetition, take a deep
breath, then--)
VITO
You have nice tits.
STEPH
I...have...nice...tits?
VITO
You have nice tits.
STEPH
I have nice tits?
VITO
Perky.
STEPH
Perky?
VITO
Perky.
STEPH
You think they're perky?
VITO
Yes, I do.
STEPH
You do.
VITO
I do.
STEPH
You do.
GIL
That's a reading, Steph. Don't try to create variety. Just
listen...
VITO
How 'bout a blow job?
STEPH
How about a...what the--?
VITO
How 'bout a blow job?
STEPH
Gil, I don't feel like this is a safe environ--
VITO
Gil's on a coffee break, you bitch! Give me a blow job!
STEPH
Well, where's your little dick? I mean, do you have one?
VITO
Why don't you come over here and find out?
(SHE reaches her hand over and
the Vito puppet bites her)
STEPH
Ow!
(SHE hits the VITO puppet)
You little prick! Gil? That's it. You crossed the line.
I'm not doing this.
GIL
Okay, that's it. Out of my class. OUT OF MY CLASS!
STEPH
(Getting up and gathering
strength)
I mean, you're not exactly in the moment reacting as yourself
either. You're reacting as some Machiavellian puppet--
GIL
You are NOT allowed to ask questions or make observations
until you reach my master class, missy. But YOU will never
attain that lofty status, because you are finished!
STEPH
Good.
GIL
Finished!
STEPH
By the way, I saw your one movie, Hacksaw Hanny, and you
suck.
(LISABETTA AND KYLE gasp.
STEPH has crossed the line.
GIL is stunned. STEPH exits
through the house with chest
held high. GIL yells after
her as HE gains his composure)
GIL
Go find thy inner animal and become a hack!
(beat)
YE SHALL NOT COME TO THE LIGHT, BUT BY ME!
(HE takes a deep breath)
Ye shall not come to the light, but by me.
(beat)
Well.
(beat)
Well, well, well, well, well.
(beat)
______________, did you want to go next?
(Lights snap to black)
(END OF PLAY)