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SOME WORDS OF ADVICE A Ten-Minute Play
By Stephen Bittrich
5701 W Slaughter Lane
Suite A130-204
Austin, TX 78749
Tel: (646) 245-4507
E-mail: SBittrich@aol.com
Copyright © 1993,
by Stephen Bittrich
(Draft: February, 1994)
"SOME WORDS OF ADVICE" BY STEPHEN BITTRICH SETTING: Subway station for the number one line bound downtown in New York. AT RISE: A WOMAN WAITING FOR THE TRAIN sits in the middle of a bench in the station reading a brainy, yet hot current best seller. There are empty seats on either side of her. JOEY and FREDDY enter, already in conversation, and sit on either side of the WOMAN-- JOEY That's all. FREDDY That's it. JOEY That's it. Period. FREDDY Naw, I know. JOEY That's it. FREDDY I know. JOEY You don't have ta 'pologize to her. FREDDY Naw, I know. JOEY All right then. FREDDY (After a beat) But she's gonna know what's up. JOEY Do you care? FREDDY No, I don't care. JOEY (OVERLAPPING) That's it. FREDDY (CONT) It's no skin off me. I'm jus' saying. JOEY So. FREDDY I'm jus' saying. JOEY So. FREDDY I'm jus' saying. JOEY So fuck her. FREDDY I know. JOEY That's all. FREDDY I know. JOEY That's it. Ya know? FREDDY I know. JOEY Whatta you care. Am I right? FREDDY Right. JOEY That's it. Am I right? FREDDY I don't care. JOEY That's all. FREDDY That's right. I'm jus' gonna tell her-- JOEY (OVERLAPPING) That's it. FREDDY (CONT) When she comes up-- JOEY (OVERLAPPING) And you know she will. FREDDY (CONT) --when she comes up. I'm jus' gonna tell her-- JOEY (OVERLAPPING) That's all. FREDDY (CONT) --I didn't get paid today. JOEY Period. FREDDY Period. That's it. JOEY You got it. FREDDY Cuz I don't need this shit. JOEY That's all. FREDDY And she always owes me twenty from the week before. JOEY That's what I'm saying. FREDDY And you know I'm never gonna see that. JOEY That's gone, man. FREDDY That's it. JOEY It's like a continuous cycle. FREDDY That's right. JOEY It never ends. FREDDY Every friggin' week. JOEY That's all. That's why you gotta put your foot down. FREDDY That's it. Nothing else. JOEY Fuck her if she knows, ya know? FREDDY That's all. "Didn't get paid." JOEY Period. FREDDY "No dinero." JOEY You don't gotta explain further. FREDDY That's the whole story. JOEY She'll get the hint. FREDDY She's not gonna believe me. JOEY Freddy, what am I saying, huh? FREDDY Naw, I know. JOEY What am I telling you? FREDDY I heard ya. JOEY Fuck her. Fuck her. That's all. FREDDY I know. JOEY Ya see, ya see, you let her get that shit over you-- FREDDY (OVERLAPPING) Naw, I know. JOEY (CONT) --she hangs that shit over you, then it never ends, ya know? FREDDY I know. JOEY It never ends. Like I said--continuous cycle. And she's always holding that shit-- FREDDY I know. JOEY --holdin' it out there-- FREDDY That's it. JOEY --maybe, maybe, maybe, maybe--got ten dollars? FREDDY Yeah. JOEY Ya know? FREDDY I know. JOEY But chew don't play that. FREDDY Naw. JOEY You don't play that shit. FREDDY That's all. JOEY "Didn't get paid today." FREDDY Plain and simple. JOEY That's it. "Did not get paid." FREDDY That's all. JOEY It's nunna her business. FREDDY No. JOEY Ya know? FREDDY I know. JOEY If she knows--fine. It's nunna her fuckin' business. FREDDY I know. JOEY Are you married? FREDDY No. JOEY She ever put out for you? FREDDY I know. JOEY "Did not get paid." Period. FREDDY That's it. (Beat) You know, I know, I know what she's gonna do. JOEY What? FREDDY I know what she's gonna do. She's gonna run straight to Artie. JOEY Awww, man. FREDDY Straight to him. JOEY She thinks it's a game. FREDDY Yeah. JOEY It's like a fuckin' game to her. FREDDY That's it. JOEY She's playing monopoly. FREDDY And Artie's such a nice guy-- JOEY He's a prince. FREDDY He'll give it to her. JOEY Ya know... FREDDY Give her anything she wants. JOEY She's a witch, man. She's a like a saucerous. FREDDY She'll just reel him in. JOEY Well, that's Artie. FREDDY Yeah...but you know-- JOEY No, I don't know nuthin'. That's Artie, right? FREDDY Yeah. JOEY Am I right? FREDDY Yeah. JOEY Artie's Artie. Your Freddy. You don't play that shit. FREDDY (Unsure) I know. I know. I know. JOEY (Long beat) You're a fuckin' pussy. FREDDY What? JOEY She got you. FREDDY She don't got me! JOEY Awww, you fuckin' pussy! She's got your number. That ten bucks is--hell, why don't you just write her name on it right now? FREDDY She don't got me. So shut the fuck up. JOEY (OVERLAPPING) (To WOMAN WAITING) Here, here, you gotta pen? That's all. Just sign it over to her. FREDDY You don't know, Joey. JOEY "From Freddy, the push-over, with love." FREDDY You're full-a-shit, man. JOEY So, prove me wrong. FREDDY I am. JOEY So handle it. FREDDY I am. JOEY That's all. FREDDY (Beat) I'm just thinkin' about Artie, that's all. JOEY You're jus' thinkin' about Artie. FREDDY He's a good guy. JOEY What, I don't get it. What's that to you? FREDDY I'm jus' sayin'. JOEY He could be the nicest guy in the world. He could come over to my house and cut my grass and kiss my ass. What's that to me? FREDDY What are you talkin' about? JOEY I'm not talkin' about anything. I'm just saying, you don't give a shit about Artie. FREDDY What does cuttin' grass have to do with it? JOEY Bottom line is you think Artie's got a shot. She's got the two a yous on a leash. Little puppy dogs--with your little puppy weiners thinkin' you got a shot. Meanwhile, she's stealin' all yer dog food. FREDDY Will you shut the fuck up? You got people lookin'. JOEY Hey, I'm out of it. All right? You axed me. I tole you. That's all. Jus' don't come runnin' ta me. FREDDY Don't worry, Joey. I got it under control. I'm a stone, Joey, I'm a blocka goddamn ice, and she ain't gettin' shit. JOEY Now yer talkin'. FREDDY That's all. JOEY That's it. FREDDY That's it. Period. JOEY Now you got it! FREDDY (After a beat) You think she put out for Artie? (JOEY just shakes his head in disgust at FREDDY. Lights fade to black) (END OF PLAY)