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THE RISE AND FALL
OF THE ROMAN EMPIREBy Stephen Bittrich
459 Columbus Avenue, #240
New York, NY 10024
Tel: (212) 579-3015
E-mail: SBittrich@aol.com
Copyright © 2002,
by Stephen Bittrich
(Draft: November, 2002)
"THE RISE AND FALL OF THE ROMAN EMPIRE"
By Stephen Bittrich
SETTING:
What appears to be Ancient Rome...kind
of.
AT RISE:
Two beautiful, buff Roman lovers say
their good-byes.
LACEY
My love, your strong embrace buoys my spirits.
(the trumpets of war sound in
the background)
LANCE LONGER
Hark! The trumpets of war.
LACEY
I heard nothing.
LANCE LONGER
Caesar marches on Gaul...and I must away.
LACEY
It was a lark nothing more. Stay, my love.
(the trumpets of war sound
again...nothing like a lark)
LANCE LONGER
(cupping her face)
My dear, sweet Libidinous. Your love will steel my great
weapon in bloody battle. I shall return to you.
LACEY
Take me, Maximus. Take me now before the grim, grimy grip of
war steals you from me.
(cheesy 70's type music starts
playing as the actors kiss and
begin to awkwardly remove
their togas, but before they
can get too far, a goatlike
man dressed somewhat like Pan
dances around the lovers
playing a fife. The lovers do
their best to continue with
the business of lovemaking,
but it is next to impossible
to ignore the distraction.
Finally from the back of the
"soundstage" comes a voice...)
ARTIE (O.S.)
Cut, cut, cut! What the hell?
LANCE LONGER
I can't work like this!
(LANCE storms into the upright
corner. LACEY pulls out some
gum and begins chewing. ARTIE
walks onto the set. HE wears
a silk shirt, hip hugger, bell
bottomed disco slacks, and zip
up boots)
ARTIE
Hey man, what's your deal? You're a background player, man.
You're supposed to be playing in the background. This is
like the fifth time I've had to cut for you today. Film
ain't cheap, ya know. Sheep Dude.
THE GOAT
Sorry, Mr. Winchell...The Goat.
ARTIE
Huh?
THE GOAT
That's my stage name.
ARTIE
Okay...Goat. Why are you hassling me? You're scenery.
You're just part of the tableau. You know?
THE GOAT
Right, right, like a tableaux vivants?
(ton of bricks just hit him)
Okay, okay, BAM! Duh!
(mini beat)
But what's my motivation here?
ARTIE
What? To play music while they fuck.
THE GOAT
Okay, okay, fair enough. Fair enough. Music. Play music.
To create a moooood, right? I'm a master of mood. We're in
ancient Rome. There is an amorous mood afoot.
ARTIE
That's the idea.
THE GOAT
I am the God Pan...
ARTIE
Okay, if you say so. You're a guy dressed as a goat.
THE GOAT
The God of Fertility...
ARTIE
Right on. Okay--
THE GOAT
I've got to get the juices flowing.
ARTIE
Yes. Hold that thought...
(mini-beat)
hey, Joey--
(ARTIE goes over to JOEY to
discuss the camera work, but
THE GOAT keeps talking to him
and the other actors)
THE GOAT
I'm the goddamn God of Fertility! These two horny Romans are
counting on me to help 'um get their groove on. You know
what I'm saying, man? I'm the goddamn son of Hermes, man!
I'm not just going to sit back and la, la, la, play my reed,
la, la, la. Right? I'm gonna fuckin' dance and hop and
wiggle. You know? Get the LUUUUUV groove a flowin'! Let's
make some babies! HOOOO-YAH!
ARTIE
Whoah, whoah, whoah. Goat Guy, the Goat, we don't want
people thinkin' babies in a porno flick. No babies. That
kills the mood. We want them thinkin' about sex, pussy,
dick, blah, blah, blah.
THE GOAT
Ah, I gotcha, man. A sex free for all. A cornucopia of
lust--a-ring-a-ding-ding. I'm all about stomping grapes and
chasin' wood nymphs. I'm all about gettin' it on! Yeah!
ARTIE
Okay, so you're with me. Just "get it on" quietly in the
background.
THE GOAT
I'm with ya, man!
ARTIE
Cool.
(ARTIE is about to walk off
THE GOAT
Excuse me, Mr. Winchell.
ARTIE
Yes. Call me Artie, man.
THE GOAT
Artie, there's just a little something...I mean greatness is
in the details, right?
(mini-beat)
This is a fife.
ARTIE
Yeah, so don't stick it anywhere it shouldn't be.
THE GOAT
Well, I spoke to the prop guy...who gave me some attitude,
but whatever...and I tried to get something a little more
accurate for my character. See, Pan wouldn't play a fife.
He'd play a reed.
ARTIE
Would he?
(trying to do two things at
once)
Cue sound!
THE GOAT
Oh yeah. You see Pan chased the nymph Syrinx through the
forest of Arcadia...
(dramatically)
"among Nonacrine nymphs and Hamadryad naiads." This would be
a great dream sequence, by the way. We should talk later.
Anyway, before he could thrust his goatliness upon her, her
sister nymphs rushed in and turned her into a reed. And thus
the reed became Pan's instrument of choice.
ARTIE
Places everybody!
(to GOAT)
I'm with you, man. Use all that. Keep it right in here.
(ARTIE pats THE GOAT on the
heart and starts toward the
back. LANCE and LACEY get
back into place)
THE GOAT
I'm just sayin' that's all. Camera may not even really pick
it up.
ARTIE
From the top of the scene.
THE GOAT
Not a problem, Artie. I can do a substitution to get to
where I need to go.
ARTIE
(coming back on set)
You know, second thought, Goat Dude, come downstage right and
turn your back to the camera. Right here...and just toot on
the reed. Silently. Think tableaux vivants.
THE GOAT
Okay. Fife. Not really a reed...reed's what I want...but I
gotcha. Back to the camera? Right here?
ARTIE
Perfect.
JOEY THE CAMERAMAN (O.S.)
Rolling. Speed.
ARTIE
(backing off the "soundstage")
And...action!
LACEY
My love, your strong embrace...uh...buttresses up my spirits.
(The trumpets of war sound in
the background...but the tape
is distorted this time and way
too loud)
LANCE LONGER
Hark! The trumpets of war.
LACEY
I heard nothing.
(THE GOAT mugs in profile in
the foreground--reacting
dramatically to the trumpets
of war)
LANCE LONGER
Caesar marches on Gaul...and I must away.
LACEY
It was a lark nothing more. Stay, my love.
(The trumpets of war sound
again...nothing like a
lark...in fact like nothing on
this earth)
LANCE LONGER
(cupping her face)
My dear, dear, dear, dear Libidinous. Your--your love will-
will--will, uh, make hard my great steel--that is to say,
steel my great weapon in bloody battle. I shall return to
you.
LACEY
Take me, Maximus. Take me now before the grim grimy grip of
war steals you from me.
(THEY embrace. LANCE's back is
to us, LACEY cuts it quickly)
LACEY
Okay, cut!
ARTIE (O.S.)
I'm supposed to say that! Cripes!
LACEY
Well, I've got an erection problem here.
LANCE LONGER
It's not my fault. It's this damn goat!
(turning to THE GOAT)
IT'S YOU!
(ARTIE comes on stage again and
JOEY is right behind him)
ARTIE
Where's the fluffer?
JOEY THE CAMERAMAN
She threw up and had to go home. Apparently Lance is
drinking the wheat grass again.
ARTIE
The Gods are against me!
THE GOAT
Excuse me, Artie...
ARTIE
THERE ARE NO GODDAMN REEDS!
THE GOAT
Cool. No. I was just going to say...I can take care of the
guy if you need a fill in fluffer. I don't mind...
LANCE LONGER
(horrified)
Artie...this extra is ruining my movie!
THE GOAT
Just saying...if you need me.
LACEY
Artie, I've got a dialogue problem. I was just thinking
about my line...he says "steel my great weapon," then I say
"grip of war steals you away." "Steel" twice, you know? I
was thinking--
ARTIE
Lacey, honey, you're not paid to think, okay?
LACEY
I'm not paid to sleep with you either, Mr. Premature
Ejaculation.
(LACEY storms off into the
corner, and THE GOAT goes
after her)
ARTIE
Lacey! Honey...it's a common problem...
(exasperated, to himself)
Ay-yai-yai.
(beat, to LANCE)
Listen, Lance...baby. You're the champ, you're the man,
Okay? You're the one and only fucking Lance Longer. Right?
Just take a sec, visualize, think about, you know, whatever
you need to think about--naughty nurses--hitchhiking nuns--
LANCE LONGER
(dreamily)
Cheerleaders...
(Up in the corner, LACEY has
made a discovery)
LACEY
Oh my God!
LANCE LONGER
Cheerleaders playing darts...
LACEY
Is that thing real?
(JOEY THE CAMERAMAN goes
upstage to check out the
commotion)
ARTIE
Okay, cheerleaders shooting for bulls--whatever--
JOEY THE CAMERAMAN
Great Mother of God!
LANCE LONGER
How can I be expected to visualize with all this inane babel!
ARTIE
People, please. Artist at work here, okay? Do your stuff,
big man.
(ARTIE crosses to the other
side of the stage to give
LANCE some alone time, and his
brother, JOEY THE CAMERAMAN,
crosses downstage to him)
JOEY THE CAMERAMAN
Bro, that goat guy has an enormous penis!
ARTIE
Hmmm? Well, endowed, huh? You know how we were
brainstorming earlier about the title? How about
this..."Bend-Her." Get it? "Bend-Her"?
JOEY THE CAMERAMAN
Not just well endowed, Artie. I'm talking freakishly huge.
Rhinoceros huge. Like circus-geek-jackpot-huge.
ARTIE
The Goat?
JOEY THE CAMERAMAN
Yeah! He's a monster! And look at him work, man. The
ladies love him.
ARTIE
They do?
JOEY THE CAMERAMAN
No doubt. Lacey's all over him.
ARTIE
She's all over everybody.
JOEY THE CAMERAMAN
And I might add Artie, the camera loves this guy. You gotta
see him through the lense.
ARTIE
Where'd we get this guy?
JOEY THE CAMERAMAN
I don't know. He's like an ex-carny or something. I think
the horns are implants.
ARTIE
Wow. Freaky.
(anxious to continue)
How we doin', Lance?
LANCE LONGER
Just give me a second.
ARTIE
(to JOEY THE CAMERAMAN)
What about "Romulus and Ream-us." Ream-us? No? "The Roman
Aque-fucks"?
JOEY THE CAMERAMAN
Are you listenin' to me, Artie! We need our Marilyn
Chambers, man. We need a superstar if we're gonna get on the
map like the Mitchell Brothers. This Goat could be our guy.
He's got moxie. He's got an appeal with the ladies...
ARTIE
Yeah...
JOEY THE CAMERAMAN
...and a freak-a-zoid schlong!
ARTIE
The ladies do seem to like him.
JOEY THE CAMERAMAN
We could start a whole new genre. Porn flicks for the
ladies. I'm tellin' you, Brother.
ARTIE
Or gay men. The goat seems pretty easy really.
JOEY THE CAMERAMAN
Yes! The guy's an animal!
ARTIE
Lance's boner problems are on the rise...OY!
JOEY THE CAMERAMAN
That's what I'm sayin'! I know you guys go way back, but
he's not Lance Longer anymore. He's Lance Limpy with a
hundred dollar a day cocaine habit.
LANCE LONGER
I think I'm ready now!
(beat)
No, wait. Okay, just give me a second.
ARTIE AND JOEY
Hey, Goat!
THE GOAT
Artie? Joey?
ARTIE
Wanna to talk with you, man.
(THE GOAT crosses down to them.
LACEY wantonly watches his ass
as he goes)
THE GOAT
What's happenin', fellas? Given any thought to the Wood
Nymph Fantasy?
ARTIE
So...this thing is a fife, huh? What the hell does a reed
look like anyway?
LANCE LONGER
(back to audience, beating off)
Okay! I'm...no wait.
(beat)
Never mind.
(The lights fade on Starsky and
Hutch type music as the new
Mitchell Brothers and The Goat
brainstorm)
(END OF PLAY)