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MIME IN A BOX By Stephen Bittrich
459 Columbus Avenue, #240
New York, NY 10024
Tel: (212) 579-3015
E-mail: SBittrich@aol.com
Copyright © 2001,
by Stephen Bittrich
(Draft: September, 2007)
Back to PLAYS page Back to One-Acts page
MIME IN A BOX By Stephen Bittrich
459 Columbus Avenue, #240
New York, NY 10024
Tel: (212) 579-3015
E-mail: SBittrich@aol.com
Copyright © 2001,
by Stephen Bittrich
(Draft: September, 2007)
"MIME IN A BOX"
BY STEPHEN BITTRICH
SETTING:
The Village, New York City.
AT RISE:
A MIME is standing center stage, arms
folded, angry. There is a hat for
donations slightly downstage and to the
right of him. Slightly downstage and
to the left of him is LENNY sitting on
a crate reading a newspaper. HARV
enters stage right.
HARV
Hey Lenny, what's going on?
LENNY
Not much, Harv. How's it with you?
HARV
Same old. You got the scores?
LENNY
Yeah, the team sucks.
HARV
Don't I know it.
LENNY
Yeah.
HARV
You on a lunch? Jou eat yet?
LENNY
Nope. But I'm--I'm skippin' lunch today.
HARV
What are you on a diet or somethin'? Lemme buy you a sub.
LENNY
I got somethin' going on. I'll take a raincheck.
HARV
Oh yeah?
LENNY
Yeah.
(HARV notices the MIME for the
first time. The MIME is
eavesdropping)
HARV
Hey, who's your nosy friend?
LENNY
Hmmm?
(matter of factly)
Oh, that's a mime.
HARV
No shit?
LENNY
Yeah.
HARV
(beat)
What the hell is a mime?
LENNY
Umm...like him. You know about mimes, right?
HARV
Well, I mean, I've seen these guys around before. They're
like clowns, right? What's he lookin' for--a hand out?
LENNY
That's probably what he depends on.
HARV
You want I should sock him?
LENNY
No, Harv. Have a little more respect for the street
performer.
HARV
I find these clown guys annoying.
LENNY
He's not a clown, Harv. He's a mime. Mime has it's roots in
commedia dell'arte, not clowning. Have you never heard of
Marcel Marceau? Famous French mime? Performed completely
without words--just by using gestures.
HARV
Never heard of him.
LENNY
Yeah, he's like the Marlon Brando of mimes. French guy.
Born in the 1920's.
HARV
Len, this mime is really startin' ta piss me off. He's
pushin' alla my buttons.
(to the MIME)
Buddy, Buddy, you wanna find some place else ta stand? You
wanna get lost?
LENNY
Harv, Harv, he can't leave. I locked him in his box.
HARV
Oh. Huh?
LENNY
Yeah, he's stuck in there.
HARV
Okay.
(beat)
I'm not following.
LENNY
In his box. His imaginary box.
HARV
Oh, like a pretend box.
(beat)
What?
LENNY
(to the MIME)
Can you do it for him?
(MIME shakes his head "no")
LENNY (cont'd)
Come on. Do it for him.
(MIME shakes his head "no")
HARV
What do you want him to do, Len? You want I should clock him
one?
(the MIME does "stuck in a
box")
LENNY
See that Harv?
HARV
Oh. Yeah. So he's like pretending that he's stuck in a box.
LENNY
Oh no, he's genuinely stuck in a box. I mean this guy's a
professional. And I locked it.
HARV
I don't see a box.
LENNY
(profoundly)
Well, it's in his mind, Harv, and it's in our minds now too,
but that doesn't make it any less real, does it?
HARV
And you locked it?
LENNY
Yeah, I came along and...
(LENNY mimes taking a gigantic,
weighty lock out of his pocket
and puts it on the box. HE's
actually a pretty good mime.)
HARV
And that's all it took? And you got this guy locked in?
LENNY
Yep.
HARV
Freaky.
(beat)
So he's like double locked now...
LENNY
Hmmm?
HARV
Well, you locked him in earlier, and you just now put another
lock on there.
LENNY
Yeees. Yes, Harv. I spose he is. Yes, he's double locked
in there.
HARV
Hmmm.
(beat)
Now what? Are you gonna mess with him or what?
LENNY
I'm definitely going to test the boundries of reality and
illusion, Harv. Is that what you mean?
HARV
Yeah, I guess that's what I mean.
(beat)
That all he does? The box thing?
LENNY
I imagine not. Most mimes also do the classic "mime walk."
HARV
(to the MIME)
Do it, mime! Let's see the walk. Mime, come on!
(the MIME shakes his head "no")
HARV (cont'd)
This mime's got an attitude problem, Lenny.
LENNY
(motioning HARV further
downstage)
Come here a second.
HARV
Huh?
LENNY
Come over here.
(THEY move slightly downstage)
HARV
What?
LENNY
(sotto voce)
You're never going to get him to do the walk by pissing him
off. Harv, mimes aren't stupid. No, no, you've gotta use
psychology on him. These mimes are a very proud and
sensitive lot.
HARV
Psychology?
LENNY
Yeah. Look, just follow my lead, okay?
HARV
I'm with ya, Len.
LENNY
(louder)
And you see, Harv, that is why he can't do the mime walk.
He's just not skilled enough to do the walk inside a small
space--inside the box. He needs more room.
HARV
Makes perfect sense to me. Of course. Not skilled enough.
(the MIME mimes a big temper
tantrum, then begins to
expertly walk in place inside
the box. HE runs into the
walls of the box as he walks
one way, turns around and
walks in the opposite way,
never walking too far before
HE runs into the box wall.
LENNY and HARV pretend not to
notice at first, but HARV
can't help himself--)
HARV (cont'd)
Hey, that's pretty fucked up.
LENNY
See, this guy's a professional...even incorporated the box
into the whole walk thing.
HARV
Yeah, a real pro.
(beat, meaningfully)
Hey Len, is the lock...a combination lock? Or...?
LENNY
--a key lock. Here's the key for the second lock.
(LENNY takes a cumbersome
imaginary key necklace off
from around his neck)
HARV
Can I see?
LENNY
Sure.
(handing HARV the imaginary key
necklace)
And the other one's in my pocket...somewhere.
(LENNY searches his pockets.
HARV eats the key.)
LENNY (cont'd)
Hey, what the hell did you do that for?
HARV
I don't know.
LENNY
You ate the key.
HARV
Yeah.
LENNY
Well, well, Harv...I can't keep this guy in here all
day...while you digest the thing...fish it out of the toilet.
HARV
(suddenly disturbed)
But...I mean...can't you cut it off with a--a lock cutter?
(the MIME and LENNY do a take
to each other like HARV is the
biggest idiot in the world)
LENNY
Are you kidding me? Where am I going to get a lock cutter of
that--that size? I don't even think this lock can be cut.
It's huge!
HARV
I dunno. I--I--I wasn't thinking.
LENNY
No, you weren't thinking at all. This is serious. I mean,
there's only so much oxygen in there.
(the MIME starts doing a
"running out of air" mime.)
HARV
I'm sorry I ate it, Lenny.
LENNY
Well, you should be.
HARV
I don't know what came over me.
LENNY
I'm very upset.
HARV
I wanted in on the game.
LENNY
You wanted--?
(beat, understanding)
Of course you did, Harv. Of course you did.
HARV
Sorry.
LENNY
Don't worry about it. Don't worry at all. We'll figure it
out.
HARV
I still don't see why we can't use a big ass "mime" lock
cutter.
LENNY
(taking him firmly by the
shoulders)
Harv.
HARV
Yes?
LENNY
It's because of what I believe about the lock. It's because
of the obstacles in my mind.
HARV
(agreeing, but bewildered)
Uh huh.
LENNY
I believe this lock, this second lock to be the most massive,
indestructable lock known to man. THAT'S WHAT I BELIEVE,
HARV!
HARV
Wow.
LENNY
It's my ideal of lock...of what is "lockness," "locknessity,"
"locktitude."
HARV
Had a few bikes stolen? You've got issues right?
LENNY
It's perfection, Harv. It's per-fec-tion.
HARV
So, so because that's what you believe, then...that's what it
is.
LENNY
Well, I spose...I mean the only way it really works is...if I
share in a common belief with--
HARV
--the mime!
LENNY
Exactly--
HARV
But not me?
LENNY
Well--
HARV
I mean because maybe I had a different picture of the lock.
LENNY
Maybe? Did you see me put the lock on?
HARV
Yes.
LENNY
What picture did you get of the lock?
HARV
Massive lock.
LENNY
You see...
HARV
Okay, I see what yer sayin'...but, I'm just sayin', your idea
could be different than mine.
(suddenly to the mime--in a
panic)
Hang on there, fella! We'll get you out!
LENNY
(philosophically, to the air)
We're all chained up in a cave, Harv, just looking at
flickering shadows on a wall.
HARV
Lenny, how do you see the box?
LENNY
The box?
HARV
Yes, the box! How do you see it?
LENNY
Lenny, this box is made of multi-layered bulletproof glass
bonded together with titanuim steel bolts, hinges, and corner
pieces.
HARV
I see it as kind of a flimsy cardboard box, Len...with a
little cut out window.
LENNY
You think I'd lock a cardboard box? I mean--
HARV
Well...
LENNY
It's bulletproof glass, Harv! Multi-layered bulletproof
glass!
HARV
I just don't see it.
LENNY
A cardboard box. How ridiculous! He could just gnaw his way
out.
HARV
That's what I see.
LENNY
I mean, for this to work, I believe we must have a shared
experience, Harv, and you're mucking it all up. Mucking up
the works!
(to the MIME)
Am I right?
HARV
(blurting out, as if struck by
lightning)
If there's nobody around to hear a mime scream, does he
really make a sound?
LENNY
What?
HARV
(trying to remember what HE
said)
If there's nobody around...to hear a mime scream...does he
really make a sound?
LENNY
Hmmm.
HARV
Know what I mean?
LENNY
I think I do. Wow. That's a mouthful.
HARV
(proud, then after a beat)
I say we set fire to the box!
LENNY
Yeah...say what?
HARV
And then leave!
LENNY
And this accomplishes what?
HARV
Um, um, to see if it...you know...it's a test.
LENNY
Nobody around to hear a mime scream, does he make a sound?
HARV
Right. But we can't be around. We've gotta leave.
LENNY
But..if we leave, how will we know?
HARV
Didn't think of that...
LENNY
No, you didn't.
HARV
But it doesn't work unless we leave.
LENNY
No, I spose not.
HARV
I think we should do it.
LENNY
I would be curious to test this theory. But as far as I can
determine, it's untestable.
HARV
Well, the mime will know the result.
LENNY
True that.
HARV
Also, we'll know pretty quickly if the box burns...
LENNY
...if it's make of cardboard or glass!
HARV
Exactly.
LENNY
Seems a little unfair to...
(indicating the MIME)
...you know. I mean, we were starting to bond.
HARV
Hey, you know, you roll the dice, you take your chances.
He's out here pretending to be stuck in a box...
(HARV does a quick "stuck in a
box" mime)
...ya know?
LENNY
I spose.
HARV
That's the way the ball bounces.
LENNY
(after a beat)
Okay, light it up.
(With great attention to
detail, HARV takes an
imaginary can of lighter fluid
out of his pocket and squirts
an imaginary flammable liquid
on the box. The MIME is
horrified)
LENNY (cont'd)
Okay, not too much. If it's cardboard, it shouldn't need
much help.
(HARV takes an imaginary box of
kitchen matches out of his
pocket)
LENNY (cont'd)
Kitchen matches. Nice.
HARV
You want to do the honors, Lenny?
LENNY
No, no, please. You're doing an amazing job, Harv. Very
impressive.
(HARV, stepping back, lights an
imaginary match. HE looks to
LENNY as if to say "might want
to stand back." LENNY crosses
behind HARV. HARV tosses the
match at the base of the box.
THEY watch the box go up in
"flames")
LENNY (cont'd)
Wow. Cardboard. You were right.
HARV
Look at it burn.
LENNY
Should we go?
HARV
We have to. We can't be here! But I do wish I was a fly on
the wall, so I could see if he screams or not.
LENNY
If you were a fly on the wall, then the experiment would be
pointless because you'd be here.
HARV
Oh. Right.
LENNY
I'll take you up on that sub now.
HARV
Sure thing, Lenny. I'm a little full myself, all of a
sudden, but I'll buy you one.
LENNY
Passing that key is going to be pure hell.
HARV
I'm not looking forward to it.
LENNY
But we'll figure something out.
HARV
Thanks, Len.
LENNY
Seems to me, we just need to find someone with a different
idea of what is the essence of "key."
HARV
Right...piece of cake. What is "key"?
(THEY exit. The MIME starts to
burn, writhing in agony. The
lights snap to black and a
blood curdling scream is
heard)
(END OF PLAY)