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BRAIN SUCKING
By Stephen Bittrich
459 Columbus Avenue, #240
New York, NY 10024
Tel: (212) 579-3015
E-mail: SBittrich@aol.com
Copyright © 1992,
by Stephen Bittrich
(Draft: December, 1994)
Finalist in Actor's Theatre of Louisville's
1994 Ten Minute Play Contest.Performed at Actor's Theatre of Louisville
in December, 1994.Published in Dramatics Magazine, April 1995.
Expanded into full-length, Home of the Great Pecan.
"BRAIN SUCKING"
BY STEPHEN BITTRICH
SETTING:
A large back porch out in the country
near Seguin, Texas in Guadalupe County.
AT RISE:
The crickets chirp loudly. ED and
GREELEY, real Texas men who know how to
relax, take in the star-lit night and
experience the crickets. After a bit of
"experiencing," GREELEY speaks--
GREELEY
Ed?
ED
Yeah, Greeley.
GREELEY
Crickets sure are perky.
ED
Yep.
(Pause. Crickets chirp)
GREELEY
Ed?
ED
Yeah, Greeley.
GREELEY
Whatta you spose those crickets are talkin' about?
(ED listens)
ED
Mostly cricket matters, I guess.
GREELEY
Yep.
(Pause. Crickets)
Ed?
(Beat)
Ever had yer brain sucked out through yer nose?
ED
(After a beat)
Nope.
GREELEY
Messy prospect.
(The crickets chirp)
I'm not myself tonight, Ed.
ED
The frijoles?
GREELEY
Tammie saw this flying saucer land over't her field the other
night.
ED
I heard.
GREELEY
Most folks are saying since her husband left in '85 she's
been a little off.
ED
Yep.
GREELEY
They don't put much credence in the flying saucer thang.
(Beat)
But it's true, Ed.
(Beat)
I come from the planet Yah, twenty million, million earth
miles away. My planet is warm and moist, and a zillion
species of plant exist throughout our world. We, my species,
are partly plants ourselves--Pod People. We sleep just below
the dank soil by night and bask in the life-giving sun by
day. Our sun-star is our god, but, according to mythology,
our sun is doomed to explode and evaporate our planet in the
Yah Year twenty- twenty-two--this earth year. Our scientists
have confirmed this legend, so we have searched the galaxies
far and wide for a new god. We have arrived on your planet,
and now we worship your sun. In order to integrate ourselves
into your society, we inhabit your earth bodies by attaching
our pods to your faces and entering your brain cavities
through the nose. Our eventual aim is the total annihilation
of your species. Then we will re- adjust the orbit of earth
to create a more tropical climate.
ED
(After a beat)
You fart?
GREELEY
The beans.
ED
Damn. Potent son-of-a-bitch.
(Crickets)
GREELEY
"Why Seguin, Texas?" you may ask. Little too dry for our
pods, you may thank. After careful scientific observation,
our Yah- ian fleet was directed to Acapulco, Mexico because
it was concluded to possess the tropical climate which we are
most comfortable in. . . but I had saucer failure over Dallas
and had to make a crash landing here.
(Short pause. Crickets)
As is well known, last month, the one called Greeley, the one
which I now am, became engaged to be married to this Tammie
Lynn Schneider.
ED
Yep. Clipped the picture outta the Gazette.
GREELEY
This Greeley, however, still has not come up with the two
thousand to buy the long anticipated 14
carat/gold/diamond/ruby ring over't Dietz's Diamonds yet.
ED
Emma Dietz says she's expectin' it.
GREELEY
As is well known, the long awaited, often spoken of "ring
presenting fanfare" was to take place on the Corral Dance
floor last Saturday night after a well publicized "surprise"
announcement from the celebrated local country sensation,
Candy Land of Candy Land and the Goolaks.
ED
Yep.
GREELEY
(After a beat)
That tragic Saturday night, when this one, Greeley, arrived
at Tammie Schneider's place out on One-twenty-three Bypass,
he first stopped into her greenhouse out back the house where
I, the Pod Pers--
ED
Why?
GREELEY
Huh?
ED
Why'd he go back there first?
GREELEY
Uh. . . to check the Rhododendrons he gave her.
ED
Okay, I'll buy it.
GREELEY
There, sleeping among the ivy and the ferns, was I, the Pod
Person. Greeley, a well-known plant enthusiast and long time
employee of Norma Green's Thumb, caught me out of the corner
of his eye and gasped at the sight of my glorious red and
violet leaves. Being an inquisitive rascal, and despite
having seen Alien five times at the Dixie Drive-in, he
scooched up close and leaned over my pod to get a closer
look. I could smell his squishy, warm brains, and before he
could cry out, I grappled my thorny vines on to his face.
ED
Thorny?
GREELEY
Sticky? Gooey?
ED
Gooey.
GREELEY
I grappled my gooey vines on to his face. Of course, he
missed his date that night without a word. My incubation
period takes a full eight hours. For a full eight hours this
one--Greeley-- blindly wandered the dull, black Texas night
as the pod attached to his face slowly sucked out his brains.
ED
Surprised it took a full eight.
GREELEY
At four o'clock in the morning the transformation was
complete. The spent and wrinkled pod-shell dropped off, and I
was ready to experience this new world and sample human
pleasures.
ED
First stop: Seven-Eleven.
GREELEY
For a Slurpy and a six pack of Lone Star. Much to my
surprise, the check out girl, Wendy, was friendly. She knew
this Greeley. Knew him well. Well enough to let him cop a
feel back in the video game room--right between the Ninja
Turtles and Altered Beast.
ED
They still got Pac Man?
GREELEY
This encounter with human delights was inadvertently observed
by the Seven-Eleven manager, Miss Nosy Rosy Stadtmueller, who
made an unannounced and previously unprecedented after hours
visit to tabulate the register receipts.
ED
Yep. I heard.
GREELEY
(After a beat)
This gossipy, nosy society is not understood by we Yah-ians.
ED
Welcome to Texas, Bud.
(Pause. Crickets)
GREELEY
It's not this Greeley's fault. What was Greeley is now
digested and only a shadow of him remains. Petty human
emotions hold no importance for we Yah-ians.
ED
Ate his whole damn brain, huh?
GREELEY
That's the only way to occupy the host.
ED
Now, can you suck out other brains? Or are you limited to
one brain per Pod Person?
GREELEY
You mean, could I come over there, as I am--Pod-less--Pod
free-- as it were, and suck out yer brain?
ED
Yeah, or say Ross Perot's or something.
(THEY guffaw)
GREELEY
Yes, I could.
ED
So it's an all you can eat type deal.
GREELEY
Well, if say I found a more inviting host, I could switch,
but then I'd have to exit the former body which would shrivel
up and wither away--just as my pod did.
ED
Makes sense.
GREELEY
But that would be such a terrible waste of male virility.
(THEY guffaw. Pause.
Crickets. GREELEY turns
serious)
GREELEY (cont'd)
Crickets have it easy, Ed.
ED
Yep.
GREELEY (CONTINUED)
(After a beat)
Think she'll buy it?
ED
Not a snowball's chance in hell, Greeley.
(Crickets for three beats and a
quick blackout)
(END OF PLAY)