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THE AUDIT By Stephen Bittrich
5701 W Slaughter Lane
Suite A130-204
Austin, TX 78749
Tel: (646) 245-4507
E-mail: SBittrich@aol.com
Copyright © 2003,
by Stephen Bittrich
(Draft: April, 2003)
"THE AUDIT" BY STEPHEN BITTRICH SETTING: An office. AT RISE: Mr. SAPP sits behind the desk. MR. SMITH enters with a video camera, capturing SAPP in his environment. MRS. SMITH quickly follows with a television on a tall rolling cart. The camera is hooked up to the television, so everything on the camera is live. A close up of SAPP fills the screen. MR. SMITH Hello! SAPP (Confused) Hello. MRS. SMITH Hello! SAPP Yes, hello. MR. SMITH Dr. Sapp, I presume? SAPP No. MR. SMITH No? SAPP I'm not a doctor. MRS. SMITH Dear, he's not a doctor. MR. SMITH No, of course not. Silly of me. Doctor...pfffft! SAPP What's all this then? MR. SMITH As you see. SAPP Are you my eight thirty? MRS. SMITH So formal! MR. SMITH (à la Groucho) I don't know about your eight thirty, but I'm her eight and a half, if ya know what I mean. MRS. SMITH Oh, stop! (Mini-beat) Dreamer. MR. SMITH Ouch. SAPP Are you... (Checks his appointment book) Mr. and Mrs. Lyonel Smith? MR. SMITH Yes sir, Captain, sir. MRS. SMITH Well, I don't think he's a captain either. SAPP My name is Warren Sapp, and you may call me Mr. Sapp. MR. SMITH Roger Wilco. SAPP Have you brought all the necessary documentation? MR. SMITH Yes. MRS. SMITH Oh my, have we. Sully's just coming up with it now. SAPP Sully is...your accountant? MRS. SMITH Oh goodness no! He's the cab driver. Very nice man. (MR. SMITH gets up close to SAPP with the camera) SAPP Mr. Smith, do you think it's a wise idea to set an antagonistic tone for this procedure? MR. SMITH How's that? SAPP The camera. MRS. SMITH Antagonistic? MR. SMITH We've got nothing to hide, Reverend Sapp. MRS. SMITH Oh honey, now you're just being silly. He's not a man of the cloth. MR. SMITH No, he's a man of the paper. (SULLY enters with a cart of about seven boxes with little pieces of colored paper- receipts--sticking out of the sides. The boxes are STUFFED to the max) MRS. SMITH Speaking of which--! SULLY Hello, Mrs. S. MRS. SMITH Hello, Sully. Aren't you a dear. MR. SMITH Sully! SULLY Hello, Mr. S.! MR. SMITH This is Staff Sergeant Sapp. SULLY Yeah right. Here, pull the other one. (Beat, to SAPP) You treat these people nice, okay? SAPP I shall treat Mr. and Mrs. Smith exactly as I treat everyone else who comes into this office. SULLY I don't like your sort. MR. SMITH Ouch. Got that on tape. SAPP You're not helping your friends much-- MRS. SMITH Oh, he's no friend of ours! MR. SMITH Nope. MRS. SMITH He's a freelance employee. SULLY Well, I've got the cab double parked... (MR. SMITH pulls a crisp fifty dollar bill from his pocket, snaps it a few times for SAPP's benefit, then hands it to SULLY) MR. SMITH Thank you for your help, Sully. SULLY Mr. S., you're too kind. MRS. SMITH Please kiss the wife and kids for us. SAPP Will do, Mrs. S. (HE gives her a kiss on the cheek--is about to leave--) MR. SMITH Oh, uh, Sully... SULLY Yes, Mr. S.? MR. SMITH Think I could get a receipt from you for the, uh--? SULLY Of course, Mr. S. What was I thinking? (Spotting a crumpled napkin on the desk...to Mr. SAPP) You finished with that? (Before SAPP can answer, SULLY grabs the napkin and scrawls out a quick "receipt" on the napkin) There ya go. I made it for an even hundred to cover the fifty you gave me downstairs. MR. SMITH What? I didn't give-- (SULLY gives a big wink) Oh! Oh, of course...the fifty downstairs. SULLY Now yer catching on. So long folks. MRS. SMITH (Sing songy) Good bye! SAPP Mr. and Mrs. Smith, I have other appointments today. Shall we get started? MR. SMITH Right away, Mr. President. (THEY sit) SAPP Now I believe, Mr. And Mrs. Smith, part of the reason your return was tagged for an audit has to do with some of the questionable business deductions you've claimed on your return. MRS. SMITH Questionable? MR. SMITH (like he's on Gunsmoke) Can't say like the sound of that, Marshall. SAPP For example, thirty thousand dollars for "business entertainment" seems rather...excessive. MR. SMITH Excessive for you maybe. (To MRS. SMITH) That's somewhere on the bottom, dear. (MRS. SMITH starts moving boxes from the cart, her butt to the two men. MR. SMITH zooms in on her behind. SAPP notices this on the television. MR. SMITH turns and catches him looking. SAPP gets embarrassed) MR. SMITH (cont'd) (à la Eliza Doolittle's father) Caught you looking, gov'ner. SAPP I wasn't-- MR. SMITH Not to worry. What do you think I married her for, eh? SAPP Mr. Smith, the camera is highly irregular-- MRS. SMITH Here it is--business entertainment. (SHE pulls out an over-stuffed folder which is brimming with receipts. Many drop on the floor as SHE brings it to SAPP's desk, and SHE doesn't bother to pick them up. SAPP opens the folder, and first thing HE sees-- SAPP Okay, now right off the bat, you've got a receipt here for five-thousand-thirty-six dollars and seventy-eight cents for lingerie from Fredericks of Hollywood. MRS. SMITH Ooops. MR. SMITH That's in the wrong folder... MRS. SMITH Should be in "uniforms." SAPP Uniforms? MRS. SMITH Yes. SAPP Mr. and Mrs. Smith, you sell... (Looking at the tax return) MRS. SMITH --galoshes. SAPP You sell galoshes. MR. SMITH Of the highest quality. We brought a pair for you, comrade. Everyone could use a good pair of galoshes. SAPP It's not appropriate for me to accept gifts... MRS. SMITH So honest! MR. SMITH He's a treasure. SAPP You sell galoshes, and everyone in your office, you'd have me believe-- MR. SMITH --I look very fetching in fish nets. MRS. SMITH That's an understatement. (MR. SMITH blows her a kiss) SAPP Mr. and Mrs. Smith, I'm having a great deal of trouble-- MR. SMITH (To SAPP) When's the last time you wore women's undergarments? SAPP What? I wore...? Never! MRS. SMITH Don't know what your missing. MR. SMITH It's quite a sensation. Silky, smooth, luxurious. Like having a silky, smooth, luxurious woman caressing your beans and franks all day long. MRS. SMITH (Getting all hot and bothered) Oooo! Grrrr! (MR. SMITH kisses her neck. SHE squeals uncontrollably as if HE were mercilessly tickling her. HE does it again, this time making sure to get the best video angle. SAPP is strangely and grudgingly intrigued, fixating on the video monitor, but then quickly trying to bring it back to business) SAPP Uh...Mr....Mr. and Mrs. Smith...uh...Mr. and Mrs. Smith...can we...please...PLEASE! (THEY stop...turn to SAPP grinning widely) MRS. SMITH Don't know how you expect me to concentrate on figures now. MR. SMITH I've got a figure you can concentrate on. MRS. SMITH (Fanning herself) You're a fine figure of a man. Oooo, boy! Is it hot in here! (Indicating SAPP's coffee cup) Can I get a swig of that, Warren? SAPP No! (SHE drinks before HE can stop her, and her eyes pop wide open) MRS. SMITH Whew! (Coughs) That's some hair of a big ole dog! MR. SMITH (laughing hysterically) You should have seen your face! Got it all on tape. MRS. SMITH Got any more of that, bartender? SAPP Mr. and Mrs. Smith, Mr. and Mrs. Smith, I am going to have to insist that we, we continue...please. (MR. and MRS. SMITH sit) SAPP (cont'd) Now...okay...here on a napkin you have something scrawled in childlike writing from...someone named Trixie. Fifty dollars. I mean really! Your paperwork-- MR. SMITH Oh yeah, Trixie! MRS. SMITH She was a dear. MR. SMITH Passed away. Very unfortunate circumstances. Combine accident. MRS. SMITH No, no, wrong dear. She was stampeded by a cow-- MR. SMITH --with mad cow disease. That's right. Tragic. (Beat) Is "stampeded" really the right word when there was only one cow? SAPP I shudder to inquire what sort of services Trixie provided as they pertain to business entertainment. MRS. SMITH (After a beat) Fucking. MR. SMITH Yes, fucking. SAPP Are you telling me that-- MR. SMITH We made thirty thousand dollars that particular day, remember, dear? MRS. SMITH Trixie was good at fucking. MR. SMITH She was a closer. SAPP Do you mean to say--you would have me believe that Trixie somehow is responsible for a-- MR. SMITH --a thirty thousand dollar order of galoshes. Let's face it, sex sells. MRS. SMITH Remember, Lyonel, she closed on a $50,000 sale about two months later. MR. SMITH She was a treasure. I think it was her teeth. MRS. SMITH True. SAPP Her teeth? MRS. SMITH She didn't have any. MR. SMITH Just gums. MRS. SMITH Very popular with the buyers. SAPP So you mean to tell me that a cheap hooker--! MR. SMITH Hey, hey now--! MRS. SMITH Really! MR. SMITH Watch your mouth, officer! Trixie was not cheap! SAPP This receipt is for fifty dollars! MR. SMITH She gave us a wholesale rate. SAPP Oh for Christsake, any hooker who charges anything less than five hundred dollars is... MRS. SMITH Five hundred? Is that the going rate these days? SAPP I--I don't really know. I have never in my life used a, a...can we please return to the subject at hand? MR. SMITH Uh oh, that's on the highlight reel, Senator Sapp. SAPP Will you turn off that goddamned camera! MRS. SMITH Ooops, someone got up on the wrong side of the hooker this morning. SAPP Can we please...I sleep with my wife! MR. SMITH Well, I should hope so. SAPP I don't sleep with--with hookers. MR. SMITH Well, who'd want to sleep anyway--when you've got a hooker? SAPP I know nothing about hookers. I only once read somewhere that five hundred dollars was-- MRS. SMITH Me thinks he doth protest to much. SAPP Turn off that camera. I'm going to insist now-- MR. SMITH I object, your honor! SAPP Give me that! Give me that! (SAPP lunges at MR. SMITH, trips on a trash can, and falls on MRS. SMITH instead unintentionally grabbing her chest for support) I'm--I'm sorry, Mrs. Smith. MRS. SMITH My what strong hands you have! MR. SMITH The better to grope you with, my dear. SAPP That was an accident. MR. SMITH I know, I know. Got it all on tape. SAPP I slipped! That wasn't intentional! Will you please turn that off? MR. SMITH Are you kidding? I want to remember you for the rest of my life, Warren Sapp. Our rendezvous here today is a treasure in the long book of life experiences. Gritty. Real. Honest. MRS. SMITH It's a beautiful thing. MR. SMITH Would you like a copy? MRS. SMITH Who wouldn't? MR. SMITH For you and the missus to watch over and over...and over again. MRS. SMITH Now that's special. SAPP (After a long pause, sucking it in) Mr. Smith...Mrs. Smith...after careful review, I see that...your return is in perfect order. MRS. SMITH Oh Mr. Sapp, what a dear! SAPP And I am giving you a grade of A-1 which means you'll have no additional taxes or penalties. (MR. SMITH removes the tape from the camera and puts it in his right hand) MR. SMITH Care to shake on that, Mr. Sapp? SAPP Nothing would please me more. MR. SMITH Put her there. (THEY shake and SAPP gets the tape) SAPP Can I get one of our Junior auditors to help you down with those boxes? MRS. SMITH Aren't you a dear? MR. SMITH That would be swell. Mr. Sapp, who says the IRS doesn't have a heart? (Lights fade to black) (END OF PLAY)